Ex buys child expensive presents but pays me nothing

July 6, 2010

My ex for 14 years has avoided paying child maintenance by being on the dole and working cash in hand, even the £5 he has to pay was waivered as his council tax debts took priority. Then when dole wasn’t so easy he signed on self employed and in a similar way working in the music entertainment industry he has declared the lowest of profits, in fact losses to avoid paying child maintenence. He’s not living a rixh lifestyle but he definitely won’t pay and sees paying as not part of parenting. He also doesn’t like he idea of anything going to me. As a result of course he is punishing his child not me the most, as I work extra hours, I get very stressed and my daughter misses out on so many things. I am SO angry that the welfare state has enabled him to do this.

Even now the bailiffs from CSA pursue him yet he merrily says he is a good proud dad, buying my daughter expensive clothes she doesn’t need. I am SO angry. Still this doesn’t affect his access rights and still he manipulates his child with love and gifts whilst taking absolutely zero responsibility, financially or in any other way.

I feel so cheated, not only by him but by society. If absent parents can get away with this then what hope do we have for our children?


  • Karl Garrett says:

    Try the other side of the coin. AKA being raped for all the money you have, and not being able to live? – what is the point. All the money I pay goes straight to the ex, to fund her extravagant lifestyle, does it go to my children? – NO. do I have any control over this? – NO. Unfortunately it’s a woman’s worlds, and your ex has found an “out”. It’s you inference to “he doesn’t like the idea of anything going to you”..quite right..the money claimed should be for the sole use of the child, not funding your living expenses. Apologies for the reply, but this is the direct opposite of the hell I’m going through.

  • helen says:

    Please take my post off this forum so I can avoid comments like these coming to my inbox and that they know my name too, and email address? Clearly I want to avoid this kind of diresct abuse, as my anger is at the csa not some random embittered non payer, just the kind of bloke who will never understand.


  • helen says:




  • Michael says:

    Helen – nobody has your email address. You are merely notified of comments because you are the OP (original poster) of the post. Karl’s comments are his opinion as he sees it relating to his situation.

    Karl even stated ‘apologies for the reply’ because your situation is the reverse of his – his comments seem fair and relevant, do you not agree?

    Discussion like this allows people from opposite sides to see each other’s side of the story, and to better understand their own situation.

  • helen says:

    I am asking you to remove my real name. This DOES breach my rights.

  • helen says:

    Clearly you are choosing to moderate this and post my replies publicly asking you to remove my name…but not all of them it seems?

    When you post on this forum for the first time you are asked for your name then email address. Not a username, but you publish my full name! I should have been informed of this. Most forums just publish my first name. I am sure no one here wants to be identified neither the poster karl whose full email address I now have been sent and the WHOIS information.

    This breaches both our rights. Is karl also aware that I have his direct contact details?

    I don’t care about the debate I care about my rights and the protection of my identity.

  • Karen Bedford says:

    Helen, please go to the facebook group child support agencies failings and others, you will get support and advice from many many others mothers having similar problems to you.

    Just to let you know, access is nothing to do with maintenance.

    I had problems with both also, so I understand why you are angry.

    The system is very unfair when it comes to maintenance, if the person knows how to play the system, the other person suffers whether its the NRP or the PWC, notice I do not say mother or father as unfortunately there are mothers doing this also.

    Ive had 12 yrs of it, please contact me directly as I might be able to tell me more on what you need to do.

    Karl, whether apologies are not ‘raped’ is not a word you should use in this context, it seems you and Helen both have problems with your ex’s and the CSA, and I know you are both angry, which I understand believe me. But obviously with Michael’s reply Helen would feel victimised with two men replying, so Im trying to even the balance, as I think we all agree that the CSA have failed us and we need to do something about it.


  • Noush says:

    Message to Karl. As a NRP you have the luxuary to work full time, and move a partner in to share the rent/mortgage etc. Yes, if you go on to have a new family, I would understand why paying an amount would be hard. But if you haven’t. 15% of your net pay is nothing, compared to what a child really does cost. You should not have conceived if you could not afford that small amount of money!! Its probably less than Council tax.

  • Noush says:

    Message to Helen – Im getting the same abusive emails, just because I posted a comment saying Non Resident parents have too many rights. What I meant was what your saying. That is is not fair that these NRP can job hop to avoid their child maintenance, but still call themselves decent parents!! It makes me sick. Im totally agreeing with you. CSA need to put their foot down and stop beleiving the liars that say they are out of work when they are working full time and earning more than enough to pay a small amount of 15 percent of their net pay. If they paid it to begin with, they would then have to moan about being in arrears. Its their flesh and blood for gods sake, they would want to help and support their beautiful children, not treat it like a chore. Don’t remove your post!! Stick up for yourself. If they can’t handle it, they shouldnt read it.

  • karen page says:

    I to feel that I have been pushed to far by the C.S.A. After 10 years of trying to get a payment of my daughters absent father I have been told today that I am entitled to the grand sum of £2.50 a week backdated from 1 year ago. I have provided all information numerous times to the various C.S.A departments, as the absent father was self employed one minute and then employed the next, only for my case to be transfered to Ireland and completely lost, I had to start the whole application again. This lost me 5 years. If I dare to question the length of time it has taken to sort my application out I am spoken to like I am a money grabbing moron. My ex at present is currently stating that he is only working 16 hours a week and only bringing £100.02 a week home which I am sure is wrong, but as most of HIS BUSINESS and I stress his business is based on cash transactions, I have no proof. Im so mad that if a person knows how to play the system they off scott free. Please do not take me for a bitter ex, I work full time to provide for my daughter, all I want is justice but with this system, I fear, that I will never get it . whilst on £100.02 a week her father can afford holiday’s to Gambia and Goa.

  • In a CSA Nightmare!! says:

    Hi Helen,

    I understand that you have had a bad experience with the CSA. However, to lump all fathers into the same category is offensive.

    There are many fathers that DO pay, and have never missed payments, are willing to support their children not only financially but with love also.

    This group of fathers are known to the CSA as “easy pickings”. False arrears are made up to help pay for the losses caused by the Fathers that DON’T pay.

    This is NOT Fair!!

    I have an ex wife that is simply looking for Money, Money & more Money.
    She is the one that had the affair, not me! I am the one that has lost the home, car etc as I didn’t want my children to suffer. I even paid the mortgage for the 1st year after we split, whilst I had to live on the sofa’s of Friends houses as I couldn’t afford somewhere for myself!

    3 years ago I said enough is enough, and worked out myself what the CSA would take from me. Needless to say it was significantly less than what I was paying out. I dropped my payments to this amount, which then enabled me to rent a small (nothing extravagant) 2 bed place so that I could have the children stay over with me. I still continued to buy “extra’s” for the kids like Shoes, School uniform, paid for afterschool clubs etc.

    However this was not good enough for my Ex. She went to the CSA expecting to get more money……..CSA confirmed I was paying only what they would calculate at. I was/am employed so not trying to get out of paying.

    The CSA since becoming involved have made my life an absolute misery!! they have miscalculated payments, denied payments have been made to them, applied for 2 liability orders & threatened to take 40% of my salary.
    All whilst being treated like a criminal & told that because I am arguing my point with them that I am right & they are wrong, I mustn’t love my children very much!!!

    My children are everything to me, and if I could have them live with me full time, I would jump at the chance. However this will never happen as my Ex uses the children as a Cash Cow!

    Thankfully, on Saturday I finally got a reply from the CSA about my so called “arrears” of £3578……….

    It was a computer error, and that I didn’t owe a penny. I have all the evidence from day 1 for every penny paid to them etc. It is not a fight that anyone should have to go through. I don’t have the money for solicitors etc so have done it all myself. It has caused me nothing but stress & anxiety, but it has finally been worth it.

    I don’t have a luxurious lifestyle, Tesco Value range is about the best I can afford!! but my children don’t go without whilst they are with me!! they are my priority, and always will be.

    My children are only 7 & 5, and have both said they would prefer to live with me. However Social Services & the courts won’t move them as they say the kids are too young to know their own minds!! This breaks my heart, as when I have to drop them off back at their Mothers, they are clinging to me & crying. They never do this with their Mother (She has stated this!!).

    How is this fair!! I am the one carrying the can financially, with no say on how the money is spent on them! My Ex is always out on the town every weekend (When I have the kids) and I know that it is the Child Maintenance money that is paying for it!!

    She has had 2 holidays away to Spain so far this year – with her friends!! I had the kids, and she is complaining that I don’t pay enough maintenance as she can’t afford a 3rd trip!! I would love to have a holiday, however for me, it would have to be with the kids. but I can’t afford this! Our holiday is camping out in the back garden – don’t get me wrong, I love my time with the kids, but would love to actually take them on a proper holiday.

    The CSA is an unfair system that IS biased towards the PWC if you are an NRP that is willing to pay.

    There are fathers out there that are loving & caring, but being criminalised by an UNFAIR system that enables Vindictive, bitter PWC’s the tools to criminalise, demoralise & possibly destroy the NRP. How is this possibly in the best interests of the Child(ren)…

    I challenge anyone to give a sound, unbiased argument that this benefits a child.

    You will notice that I don’t lump all PWC’s and NRP’s etc into a single group etc. Everyone is different, and everyone has different circumstances. To pass judgement on all, based on the label given is both Callous & Irresponsible.

    Thanks for reading.

  • Simple Simon says:

    Fathers have no rights at all, yet most of them that have to pay have no say where the Money goes, Since I’ve been paying CSA for the last 3 years of £456 per month my ex wife has taken the Children to Florida twice, Now I don’t begrudge them a holiday but I wish I could take them away but I can’t afford it. Now on the other side of the coin my new partner does not receive a penny from her son’s father and CSA inform her that there are arrears of £11,564 to pay which they cannot obtain from him.

    In a nut shell yes fathers should pay but not for the ones that don’t and as for CSA well there just plain useless and should be disbanded and a better system should be in place, Father should have more say on where the money goes, remember the csa money should feed the Children and not the mother.

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