CSA is set up by women for women

July 3, 2010

Right this is my story…….

Two and a half years ago i seperated from from my ex with whome i had my daughter. For 18 months whilst i was single, she was fine. then i met my partner and she became increasingly jealous of my relationship with my partner and my partners relationship with my daughter (my daughter loves her).

I had my littlen 3 nights a week every week. then 6 months ago she decided that she didn’t want my little girl to be around my partner (my partner loves my daughter and treats her like a princess). we had been argueing for a while me and my ex and she didn’t even have the decency to actually tell me contact was stopping. i turned up at her nans house to pick up my daughter as normal and got told that i would not be having her back whilst i was with my partner. before contact had stopped me and my ex had an agreement that when i moved out of my parents maintanence would stop as we had our daughter practically the same amount of time and i would provide for her when she was with me.

The amount i had been paying was agreed years before after constant threats of taking me to the csa if i didn’t pay more!!! the day me and my partner moved into our new house was the day i was due to have her. since then i have been denied all contact with my daughter and discovered 2 months later that the same week contact was stopped a claim was made to the csa. because i no longer had any contact with my child i had been charged the absolute maximum they could charge even though it was not my choice and i had no say in the matter. i filled for family court to get a contact order to see my child and have been waiting months to go and now we are 2 weeks away. she has been writting me notes and giving them to her friend whose parents i know and asking them to pass them on.

4 days ago i recieved a fathers day card from one of my neighbours kids who she had asked to pass it on. its come to the stage where a 6 yr old cannot even give her dad a fathers day card. i have been in absolut pieces for 6 months now.

However my wage slip has just arrived and the csa have taken half of it and not left me enough money to live on. i can no longer afford my solicitor, i can no longer afford to continue to decorate my daughters bedroom ready for when she comes back to me and cannot even afford my rent. my partner is also 8 months pregnant and all the final bits for the birth of our son can no longer be bought because my ex has all my money. it also turns out that the weeks she made the claim to the csa, she quit full time work for part time so as to get more benefits. after going on the csa calculator it turns out that in the two years prior to this whole mess i had over paid my ex by £1500 than if the csa would of been involved from the start. i have been told that there is nothing i can do and that next month they will take half again.

So heres to summerise how i see the csa works…

Set up by women for women.

A mother has the right to stop contact between a father and his child and then charge him for it anything said to the csa that doesn’t support the person making the claim is not their issue and needs to be taken up elsewhere unwilling to help anyone other than person making claim.


  • Brokenfather says:

    It’s been over 4 years since I saw my son’s, or received any information of them whatsoever from their mother. I spent 3 years before that fighting through the courts for contact too, gaining very little headway against a parent that was determined to exclude me from their lives. Their mother even refuses to let me know where they live, even though there is a Court Order requiring her to do so.

    I have always thought it grossly unfair that the Government provides a free agency to the user at significant cost to the tax payer to chase and harass non-resident parents for child maintenance yet provides nothing to assist the non-resident parent in securing a relationship with their child if the resident parent is hostile to it. In fact the system panders to the hostile resident parent. There should be assistance for any parent in the ‘right’ to fight the parent in the ‘wrong’, and no assistance to the parent in the ‘wrong‘.

    I also think it is perverse that the CM system we have actually financially rewards that hostile resident parent with more child maintenance. It should be the opposite, and they get less if they obstruct contact.

    Your daughter obviously loves you very much. While many children can see what is happening, they are powerless to do anything about it until they are older.

    A child should never ever be used as a weapon.

    You can easily represent yourself in the family courts. Fundamentally the courts are positive to contact, well in ordering it anyway, it’s just that if the mother refuses to comply they refuse to take any enforcement action against them. Mothers know this …..

  • Karen Bedford says:

    Sorry but you are wrong, the csa is not set up for women, as I have suffered and Im a women, my ex has played the system so well that he has paid very little for his children and earns a fortune – he is self employed. He even gloated that he could! He couldnt careless about his children. We went to court for contact, and he wouldnt keep to it, so we kept going back, in the end I stopped it, because my children were so upset when he didnt turn up, bring them home early, not give them anything to eat or drink all day (they had to take with them) or take them anywhere apart from the pub! So please dont generalise as there are woman who have suffered too not just men.

  • Steve Ebbs says:

    Whilst I do not want to deflect from all the genuine cases of fathers who have real cause to complain, and, the mistakes made by the CSA, On this particular case I have a genuine right to put the record straight, and reply to the accusations made, as I am the dad of the girl being spoken about by Adam Martin.

    If you care to cast your mind back, in August of last year you had a family holiday and all was still good between the 2 of you, It did start to deteriorate between you all, when my daughter asked you to stop your new partner from bathing with your 5 year old daughter, but you and your partner ( of only a few months ) could see nothing wrong in it and continued to do it, why you and your new partner found it so necessary to continue this, only you 2 really know.

    Yes you had your daughter, every weekend after you changed your working hours, leaving my daughter with no quality time with her, and as you spent Saturdays playing football, then going down the pub and my granddaughter being left in the care of a girl she hardly knew, my daughter said it would only be fair that you have alternative weekends, and exactly how many times did you actually pick her up from her nans, as she and everyone seems to recollect it was your mum or sister who always picked her up, and in fact you was asked not to keep leaving your daughter alone with your new partner, as it was supposed to be your quality time with your daughter. The maintenance was agreed between the 2 of you and it stayed like that, for 2 an half years, until you decided to stop it, no agreement was made between the pair of you.

    And as you state constant threats were made to you for more money, but the amount you paid from day 1 up until you decided to stop never changed, so both parties must have been happy with the agreed amount, what difference was it in you paying maintenance and you getting her what she wanted, why not just carry on, or was it just an excuse not to pay,

    As you well know you still had access to your daughter even after you stopped paying for her up keep, and if you did buy clothes you demanded them back, so were was the benefit in that, you showing off what you could afford, and her mum not being able to provide her with the same luxuries, and her after school activities,

    You continually complain about all the access which was stopped and how upset you was, was it not you who sent a txt saying ” do not get in contact with me, you have no reason to contact me or my family “, so surely she was only carrying out your wishes, I would have thought having a daughter would have been a very good reason to keep in contact.

    As for the loving caring father, do you need reminding about hospital appointment, not even being at your mums when she was dropped off on her birthday, even if there is tension between you, surely just making that effort when she walked in, of you being there, we was the ones who had to look at her face when she was told daddy is not here, and we was the ones who had to calm her down and comfort her, after loving daddy and new partner sent social services round to investigate ( as in the report false allegations ) her mum, and question her, you should both be proud of what you put your daughter through. No wonder my daughter found it hard to even give you a fathers day card from her, no real dad treats his daughter like that.

    And as for your money worries, if you had continued paying for the upkeep of your daughter you would not have lost so much in back pay, as you already stated my daughter had threatened you with the CSA, or is that just another lie, because this seems to have come as a complete surprise to you, even though theCSA do not just take the money out, you are informed, did you once again just ignore your responsibilities. And as for being hard up I do not know many people who hold down a normal full time job, and can afford 2 weeks in the Maldives in March, and 2 weeks in America in August. And as for my daughter going part time to get more benefits, I am only to pleased to see your ignorance is blessed in many subjects, because if she wanted to rely on benefits, she could pack up work altogether and be entitled to more money.

  • lou says:

    you see.these fathers who slag the women who bore their beautiful children always have a reason to do wat they have to do because of nasty bullying men who really have no interest in their kids watsoever.they are just using them to MAKE THE MOTHERS LIFE HELL.well dun the dad who put other side of story.he sounds just like my ex who is a pathetic narcisst who has to control me and our son because his new evil partner pulls his strings.they make me sick these bullies.

  • Kirsty says:

    So many people assume paying maintainence and access go hand in hand. Why is this? You do not pay to see your kids. My ex is hardly ever there when my son goes to his house (he lives with his parents) and has introduced two out of three “loves of his life” this year alone and yet sees nothing wrong with this, even though his two eldest children (not mine) were deeply scarred from our split. Yesterday I received my monthly CSA payment. £11.08 I got, for a whole month! This is my ex’s idea of helping! Taking himself on sick so he doesn’t have to pay for his kids, but of course he is well enough and rich enough to go out 3-4 times a week drinking. And he can afford driving lessons he was telling me on Sunday just gone. He moaned about him paying £11 a week, when I work full time, pay my own way and get no help from anyone else, while he pays no money to his parent (or so he tells me) for living at home with the bank of mum and dad who feed and clothe all three of his children. Yet here I am, with a broken hip, so unable to walk or stand very well, and yet he moans about contributing £11! And he’s quite happy to let my partner run around after my son doing everything from taking him to he childminders, to buying him a bike for Christmas, to comforting him when daddy has upset him. It’s a problem though that his son is so close to his step dad. Can’t possibly imagine how they have bonded so well!!

    Many people have told me to stop letting him see our son, and I have been tempted. Especially when I’ve had my heart broken by my three year old telling me daddy went out with his girlfriend and left him behind, or he was upset because no one ever waves to him at the door or window like I do.

    So to all those dad’s who think it’s men vs women and men always lose, it works both ways and the dad’s who shout the odds that they are so so badly done to are usually the ones who are in the wrong.

  • Joanna says:

    At last someone puts things in perspective. Sick of men moaning on here slagging off the mother of their children (little or no care of what that will do to their children) Yes there are some bad parents with care who play God with their childrens lives and emotions but witholding maintenance only punishes the child.

  • >