Abusive ex husband refuses to let me see my son

I have been forced to live apart from my son. This is my story…

I’m a woman who was in an extremely abusive marriage (mental, physical, verbal abuse, the lot) – can’t go into all the details here of everything he did or I would be here forever, but trust me, it was bad. We had a son together, (the violence started after I had him, charmingly enough), and I developed Post Natal Depression which he could not handle. He left us both to fend for ourselves for a year, no visits, no payments, no support, not a phone call, nothing. He eventually swans back home, whereupon I was so badly in need of help and furious with him for deserting us that I just gave in (remember I had severe PND) and accepted him back as I needed the help – not that he gave any.

He spent his time in the pub, was never at home but when he did there was trouble, blah blah blah…I eventually got up the balls and some cash to leave him. He showed no interest in his son at all, despite me offering him contact whenever he wanted, but he seemed to want to live in the pub instead. One weekend he took me up on the offer, and after promises to return him on the Sunday night, he did not appear.

Imagine my horror when I phoned him up and he laughed and said “I warned you that if you left me I would do something to you that would f*** up your life, well this is it – he’s with me now, you will never see him again” then hung up.

Next I knew he had skipped the country with him, and only crawled out the woodwork with him again when he had returned when he was old enough for school, and had put him in a school a long long way away from where I live – on purpose. I do not drive as I am not allowed to medically, so it is very hard for me to get there and they also live in the middle of nowhere. How convenient. He lied to his family about why I left and painted me as some kind of s**t with all sorts of crazy problems that just don’t exist. Who did everything for that child until he was 3 and a half years old? Yes, me. Full time housekeeping and childcare combined with very poor self esteem and being locked in the house by him all day and night makes it quite difficult to be doing the things he was accusing me of, I must say…

So after loads of appearances in court, CAFCASS reports saying I am a perfectly fit mother thank you very much, etc, I get a court order that states I must have 50/50 custody. And this is despite his violence and drink problems and the abduction – unbelievable.

However, he kept breaking the court orders by not turning up etc, which forced me back to court all over again, thus wasting extraordinary amounts of time, which is what he planned the whole time. His attempt at Parental Alienation was patently obvious but didn’t work as my son is always very happy to see me.

This went on and on and on and eventually a TENTATIVE date came up for a final custody hearing as I think the judge was getting a little fed up of his messing around – why he didn’t stop this sooner is beyond me but there you go.

My ex has also roped his family into the ritual humiliation and abuse of me, purely because I dared to leave their darling son. The final insult was bumping into my ex father in law in the supermarket who sidled up to me, told me I “ought to be spending my money on the boy” (well I would if I ever saw him) and that he had cancer and if I “f***ed that boy up, then he would live longer than me” (father in law, not son, obviously). So, a death threat. Lovely.

I did the expected and what they wanted, and backed off in absolute fear and terror as I believed he would do me some damage, he is the type. The custody hearing date was in a few months from then, and I was waiting for my lawyer to give me the final date and time for it as it hadn’t been decided at that point.

Next thing I knew I was getting a letter from my so called solicitor telling me that it had all happened and because I had “failed to turn up” then automatic custody was given to my ex! It turns out that my crooked lawyer had been paid off by the family. Just my luck to pick a crook.

Since then I have been hounded by the CSA and I now pay £200 a month to my ex, which doesn’t leave me much from my pay after everything else, and I still don’t get to see my son. I have not seen him for nearly 2 years as my ex messes me around so much. He changes his email address, phone numbers etc and if I do track him down he doesn’t let me talk to him on the phone.

And all I did was dare to leave him to save the skins of my little boy and myself. He has since got together with some other poor girl and has another son, and as far as I hear, he still doesn’t work, but sponges off her as he did me, and the last I heard she was complaining to everyone that she never has enough money as he spends it all in the pub! Funny that, that was my complaint about him too. I wonder when the violence will start?

My little boy is now 8 years old and I have since met a new partner and we are expecting a set of twins in the next few weeks. I am still paying ex £200 a month but surely this is not right? I don’t mind supporting son, of course, but it galls me to know that he goes to the pub with it and it doesn’t get spent in the appropriate way. I know this because he was stupid enough to use this as a taunt to me once.

I contacted the CSA myself a few days ago via the website and got a call this morning from the 01925 number which I didn’t answer as I didn’t recognise it, and they did not leave a message. This is what led me to this site so it seems it was the CSA who was trying to call me earlier. Is it worth answering the next time? Will they help me? ?Should I tell them to write if they want me? I hate all this.

Anyway, I just wanted to say my piece a bit, and let men out there know that there ARE some women who sympathise and that it is NOT only men who suffer with not seeing their children and having to pay out a shed load of money every month and also that not ALL women are as awful as some of you make us out to be, so people, please spare a thought the next time you post an anti women message with regards to the CSA.

I lost everything when I divorced my ex – I was forced to give up the house and got not a penny as I was bullied all the way into signing it over apparently in return for him not going after personal maintenance for himself and a slice of my pension. What a cheek – he shouldn’t have been entitled to any of that anyway, but my lawyer was so rubbish he told me it was a good way to get him off my back or I would be paying a share of the mortgage on the house forever. I caved in for a quiet life. I lost my home, my child, do not get a penny in maintenance, he burned the possessions I hadn’t managed to take with me when I was fleeing in the night for my own and my son’s safety, he destroyed my self esteem, left me in debt up to my neck, destroyed my credit rating, stole a credit card and ran up two grand on it, beat me, drank, raped me and humiliated me. I have nothing to show for those 5 years of my life apart from photographs of my darling son.

Please guys, it’s not just men who suffer when relationships break down.