Why should resident parents work?

September 3, 2010

OMG how simple are some men!!!

In the last 4 years of paying for my daughter to go to nursery so i can work full time has cost near on £20,000, ok the child benefit and tax credits system has provided around £6000 which means i have still paid out £14000 just on nursery fees alone. I am unsure why absent fathers feel they should not have to pay towards their children, and am also confused as to why they think paying maintenance is giving money to their ex to do what they want with.

My argument is why the hell should resident parents go to work full time to support their children and have nothing at the end of it because they are the only ones that provide for their children. Non resident parents think the CSA leave them in financial hardship, well if the non resident parent had the children full time i would well imagine they would be in more financial difficulty than paying the CSA. My ex had to pay me £150 per month on his earnings so he decided to claim benefits and work cash in hand.

Well if he had his daughter full time it would cost him much more than that to support her and the benefits would only partially help, because the £150 per month he had to pay would only have covered half of the excess nursery fees. After 4 years of receiving nothing from my ex i have accepted he will never contribute towards his daughters life, although he does still see her. But I do get some peace knowing that one day he will have to explain to his daughter why!!!!!

And as the resident parent I will raise her to know what is morally right and wrong because unlike her dad i dont plan to raise her thinking men should not have to financially support their children !


  • Brokenfather says:

    So are you saying either both or neither should work?

    Who would pick up the tab for the children then? Oh yes, the tax payer ….

  • ms says:

    Not too sure where that title came from anyway, i think both of the childrens parents should work and financially contribute towards their children and raise their children properly. Im just not sure why some non resident parents believe its not their responsibility to contribute towards their children. This will always be a taboo subject and really should not be as its very simple. You have children and you look after them. My point is why do non resident parents feel its hardship to contribute when if they had full residency in my circumstances it would cost much more. Unfortunatley in my circumstances he signed on and decided to work cash in hand to avoid CSA, which may i add as a tax payer im also contributing towards him so he can avoid helping out with his daughter. My point about resident parents is: In the past I have heard a lot of non resident parents say “i went round to the house and gave her the maintenance I bet she uses it to get her hair cut” I find it insane that non resident parents think their money gets spent on their ex’s, what my point is is why non resident parents have this belief that at the end of the month when we are paid why we should not be able to afford to buy something for themselves. I hope one day they abolish the tax credits system and non resident parents are forced to pay 50% towards their children, then all non resident parents will be praying for CSA to be reintroduced.

  • In a CSA Nightmare!! says:

    I’m sorry to have to say this, but it seems to me that you are thinking just about yourself & not your child!!

    OK, your ex hasn’t paid money to you. There are loads of fathers that pay exorbitant amounts each month to mothers who won’t work, and some that do.

    Bringing a child up is a joint responsibility and the father is not just a cash cow!! so that mothers can stay home all the time.

    Even when I was with my Ex, we both worked to support the family, so why shouldn’t she work now that we aren’t together? the care of the children is still split.

    Her wages, plus child benefit, plus tax credits, plus my maintenance payments give her a much higher monthly income than I am anywhere near getting, yet she still complains that it isn’t enough to go on more than 3 holidays a year with!!

    I can’t afford to take my kids on 1……..

    So before you lump all fathers as useless etc, have a think about all the greedy, self righteous mothers out there who couldn’t care about anything but the money.

    Rant Over…….

  • Natasha Blackwell says:

    I hope you reported your ex to the benefits office and had him followed! It's benefit fraud!!I can't believe you let that useless waste of oxygen near your daughter.

  • Maxine Knowles says:

    I have nearly the identical situation. Over £300 per month for pre school and after school fees. £50 a month for school dinners. £80 a year for football. School uniform, school trips, hair cuts, new casual clothes, countless pairs of shoes which keep being outgrown and the kids school shoes from Clarks are nearly as much as adult shoes, birthday parties, all holidays and spending money etc..etc.. The CSA estimated my daughters dad should pay £20 per week all in and he has never paid this. He went self employed and hasnt submitted tax returns for a couple of years – dont know how he can get away with this. Even if he did pay the £20 it doesnt come close to being an equal contribution to what I pay. I work 40 hours per week, travel nearly 2 hours on top each day, just so I can provide for my daughter as her dad doesn't do anything. I dont stop him seeing her as just like you, I know that she will see what he did to us as she was growing up and make up her own mind. He has an older daughter by another woman who now doesn't speak to him because of the way he has acted, and history will repeat itself. Us responsible parents should carry on doing the right thing and instill the right morals and values into our children like you say x

  • Melanie Jones says:

    Because it should be the daughters decision to stop seeing her father no matter what happens between the mother and father, how refreshing to hear of a mother doing this for her daughter despite how tempting it must be to do otherwise….

  • Mic Smith says:

    As a paying nrp I agree with you, it should be equal but not all mothers are as thoughtful as you and I'm sure many others are.its a 6 of 1,1/2 a dozen senario I'm afraid.there are some rp who see the child as a meal ticket and a way to get back at their ex(via csa).each case is as individual as the child involved.you obviously aren't nasty and that's so refreshing to hear.

  • Katy Wood says:

    Absolutely right, but it's so hard not to be resentful. It's so often the self employed parents who get away with avoiding their childcare responsibilities. Their false declarations go unchecked, and they are given rights far and beyond those given to absent parents who are in regular employment. My ex lies through his teeth to avoid paying. I get only £5 a week for my son and yet he turns up in either a BMW or a Porsche! Whilst regular working fathers stand to have their contributions deducted at source if they refuse to co-operate with the CSA, I have been told that my ex has "a right to be believed" and that it is up to me to prove that he is lying. It's very wrong and our children suffer as a result.

  • Tracy Jackson says:

    I completely agree. Most NRPs pay a max of 25% of wages towards their children whereas the PWC spend virtually all of theirs: mortgages/rent, council tax gas/electric….etc as well as clothes, uniforms, school trips/holidays FOOD. There is virtually no money left for luxuries. Joint parental responsibility is a joke when the financial side is so against the parent with care! My ex wont see the children or pay for them so good for you for keeping contact with your daughters father though, you are a bigger person than he is

  • ms says:

    im not branding all fathers as useless, i know lots of fathers that look after their children and contribute towards them, unfortunatley just not in my case. Just for clarity im not thinking about myself, I have a good job and am the only one that has ever provided for my daughter. Im glad (not) that your ex can afford 3 holidays per year living on benefits because even with a good job we certainly don’t get that luxury. And it’s not just about the money, even if her dad helped out with uniforms, shoes, clothes etc would help but chooses not too.

    You obviously support your children, and obviously work. But as a tax payer you can not honestly believe men or women who claim JSA, Housing and Council tax benefit and earn £2000 per month cash in hand so their disposable income is £2250 per month because of their benefits and still refuse to contribute is right.

  • Jason Wallace says:

    @Mic I agree with you. There are people who (excuse the pun) take the Mick on both sides. There are NRPs who avoid their responsibility and also PsWC who do likewise. I commend the writer for having the get-up and go to work and raise the children – that is a huge undertaking.There is an affordability thing though. My ex walked away with all three properties that we owned (and a huge mortgage) but was then able to do some building work and make the handsome profit that we would have made for the two of us. Because of this she was able to buy her home outright while I am left with a massive mortgage on my new place. This means that with all that she earns & claims, with what I pay on top she gets to live comfortably while my wife and I are left with much less per month disposable than I pay my ex.

  • Laura Maybey says:

    My ex told the csa he worked cash in hand & gave them an average weekly income. The csa has told me that they presume he has submitted his tax returns & pays his taxes like other upstanding members of society. WRONG! He's now on benefits claiming he's a suicidal/depressed/alcoholic/drug addict & unable to work. The csa have no rights or powers & using them is now pointless. This nrp has 4 children he does not financially support & thinks this is perfectly acceptable.

  • Dawn Mcfeeley says:

    They should only take into account net wage. If u have been working overtime 4 several months they will think this is part of regular wage. U will need 2 get ur employer 2 confirm with them ur set wage & the information regarding overtime. Everyone would b so much happier if csa just took a reasonable amount so the children (the important thing in this situation) gets the quality of life they deserve & would have got if the couple were still together

  • Dawn Mcfeeley says:

    U can work out ur own liability it's 15% of ur net wage if u have 1 child. 20% 2 children 25% for 3 or more. It reduces slightly if u have other children living at home with the nrp They don't need 2 b the nrp's children they can b step children

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    I had a break down doing exactly what this writer states. Full time 38 hours per week, plus evenings on a seperate job, plus weekends on another job all to make up for what wasn't being paid in maintenance or collected. and as Katy quite rightly points out the Self Employed are the biggest fiddlers ever whilst the PAYE NRP's are having there arses nailed to the wall, because they are an easy target. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

  • Laura Maybey says:

    I completely agree with you Lisa on that.

  • Garry Clarkson says:

    Me too. I pay all the same. I have 4 jobs. Plus the 18 grand it cost to get a residence order. WE don't get any 'maintenance' or benefits. So,YES I'm a resident parent. But this definition is only available to women. Sorry but single dads get nothing. Think your situation is hard? Try changing sex and see what happens. You would have to 'apply' to live with your child at a cost somehwere between 10 and 200 grand. Then be homeless for a while until you can scrape enough money together for a house. Then battle the state for child benefit etc which will be continually denied as the children live with you but the state can't take its blinkers off. Poverty then depression and not able to buy your child things because the other parent is riding round in a flash car not paying anything. She doesn't have to by virtue of gender. We didn't make the rules. Get the Danish system implemented and scrap the CSA its the only way.

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    Garry what's they Danish system?

  • Garry Clarkson says:

    Equal Parenting. Quite simple. When one parent chooses to break up the relationship. – In UK STATISTICALLY almost always the women who initiates it. The other parent does not pay the one who leaves 'maintainance' its stated by law that both parents have legal status (unlike the UK where only the mother has status and the father is de facto forced into second class parenting – no matter who broke up the relationship). That way only TRUE absent parents (of whatever gender) are chased through the system. This idea that women are victims and must be supported by the state (i.e. me the taxpayer) whilst not fulfilling their obligations to their children and not paying 'maintanaince' for the time spent with the other parent is preposterous and only allowed to continue through successive governments inability to drag themselves into the 21st century and oppoe the fascistic 'life-boat' feminist ideology. Men don't work down mines and women are no longer 'chained to the kitchen sink'. That ended in the 1970s (if it ever existed at all).

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    ummmm OK so what i can glean from that is true flouters and non payers would be pursued through the courts…because i would love to say that my ex husband wants equal parenting but sadly that would be a big fat lie as he hasn't seen his children for 7 years and owes £42k in maintenance : (

  • In a CSA Nightmare!! says:

    If he is getting that much, then yes, he should be helping to provide.

    As for me, my ex only ever thinks about 1 thing….Money!!

    No matter how much I used to earn when we were together, it was never enough. I pushed myself & pushed myself to do better, and at one point was holding down 3 jobs to provide, only to then find that she was cheating on me whilst I was at work!!

    I lost everything…my children are my world, and all I do now is turn up for work, but live when I have the kids.

    I have lost the will to push myself in work, I don’t ever want to have another relationship (I’m not against women, its just that I don’t know if I would be able to trust again, and that wouldn’t be fair on someone I met.)

    The CSA couldn’t care less about financial matters, as long as they get their money…even making up false arrears that they claim I owe. This is being fought against with my MP’s help.
    I have an ex that has stated that I never paid her any money for over a year….even when presented with copies of both sets of bank statements showing payments made every month. The CSA believe her word of mouth, over documented evidence!! (I was on payment direct, now I’m being threatened with a 40% DEO to claim back money I have already paid!! and can prove it!!!)

    I’m sorry, gone off track slightly. (not one of my better days at present..)

    In your case, I apologise for my comments earlier. You should however be able to hold your head up with pride for managing on your own. I know it’s not much, but Pride is all I have left, and I refuse to have that taken from me.

  • Jay O'Hara says:

    also in you're last comment, you're going to Raise you're daughter how?? I would rather instill some values that she aspires to something great, not teach her that 'a man should always pay' – That is instilling poor values of 'helpnessness' into her that she cannot make her own way without a man? My daughter will be strongly encouraged to go to medical school or become a laywer / dentist as this will enrich her life through helping others, and making a nice living for herself, and i will PAY for this myself as her gobshyte mother will never earn enough to pay for that herself due to her own self beleif she is entitled to be looked after not earn a living!

  • Jay O'Hara says:

    Have to agree with LISA here, NRP's on PAYE are getting RAILED! me included! LISA i have to say though, do you think if you cancelled the csa, scrapped the arrears and went to him directly and asked him to work out an amount that is reasonable (i dont see how demanding 42k could be deemed reasonable in any way – do you have that kind of money post tax to just give away??) he might react to you.Call them off, stop hounding him and go to him directly, say i've cancelled the arrears and made the first move to a resolution, now want you to work it out with me?From the sound of it, you're sledgehammer approach hasn't worked and never will .. try changing tactic and see if you can both work it out as ADULTS?xgluck

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    Lisa tried that in the beginning, Jay. He never paid a penny from the word go.He may have over 40k in arrears, but do you think it's fair that he has been given 50 years to pay it off, when other clients get 2 years to pay 15k? it's the blatant discrimination the CSA display that gets on my wick (as well as other things!).Plus the fact that Lisa's ex is only paying those arrears..not regular maintenance!!

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    Unfortunately Jay that's great in theory but as Lorraine quite rightly points out he flatly refuses to pay maintenance because there is a grave loophole to be exploited…but then Jay he hasn't seen his children in nearly 7 years, my youngest is 16 today and his Father lives 9 miles away. He has charges on his property and to avoid paying he went self employed. Not sure where you live Jay but Ken livingstone was the instigator of Londons congestion charge cameras about 10 years ago, i know that his salary was in the region of £40k then (He projected managed the installation of them) he then went self employed and told HMRC that he was earning £14k. I've tried mediation but he never attended the meetings, so there you have it!

  • Jay O'Hara says:

    Sounds like relations between you two are pretty rock bottomish, any chance you think he might have some hidden away you don't know about for later??you might be surprised how much he does actually care; When you're son is 18 he may surprise you. i know its one of those wait and see things – sounds like you dont have a huge amount of control over it..but if he see's his son regularly and picks him up alot, takes him out their having that relationship at least it shows he does care about him; I bet you when it comes to him getting his first place or going to university, his dad will be right there to assist with the price of that; if he is as well off as you say he is… you're son will beable to go to his dad and say "i need this" and he will probably help as its him asking and not you (if things are strained between you) ive seen this alot with my own friends with divorced parents..Long way off but you sound like a great mum with your kids interests at heart – and you let him see his dad as often as he wants!- hold you're head high! xJay

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    Jay I think you might have got Lisa confused with Katy! Lisa's ex took her to court to REDUCE contact with his kids.Anyone with that sort of mentality will not be making provisions for later on. You are obviously trying to see that other NRPs are like you, but unfortunately they aren't. My ex, for instance, has cut his children out of his will in favour of his stepchildren. Why? I haven't a clue, as I was always there to make sure the kids got to his house 200 miles away (he moved) and since he stopped seeing them 3 years ago he hasn't phoned, sent cards or anything.I'm afraid you have to realise that some folk are just gits..

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    I have an 18 year old too Jay…he didn't beat a path to the door for my eldest son in May…sadly like Lorraine my ex would rather be the father figure for his step children too who's interests are looked after by FOUR parents whereby my children (His flesh & blood!) have ONE : (

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    I hope I haven't spoken out of turn Lisa..airing your laundry and all that! lol..but I feel it is appropriate to make sure it is known, as your case is absolutely atrocious!!!!!

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    You go for it hun my heart is laid bare with regards to ALL issues and my ex husbands lack of commitment towards his children and knowing that these two children have been dealt a shitty card genetically and where they have to read and read (On FB) all the great times there step brother and sister have had and are having knowing that there Father couldn't give a flying F*** about there well being x

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    It's outrageous..and all too common.I am seeing this more and more..the PWCs who are relaxed about contact and maintenance tend to get an NRP who doesn't give a shit. The PWCs who hand out the shit usually have an NRP who would bend over backwards for their kids!

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    Fast forward to 2 hours 11 mintues and you will hear my radio piece today!http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p009s4xg/Jonathan_VernonSmith_09_09_2010/

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    That actually made me weep Lisa.. 🙁 x

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    Oh don't say that although i was trying hard not to have a cry…just seemed very poinent today of all days…has the twat phoned?? has he buggery more chance of a visit from santa xx

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    It seriously did, I couldn't stop it sorry..so similar to my own story only without the financial hell attached. It also reminded me of not seeing my own father for 38 years.The twat is a complete loser. Gawd bless you hun, and your gorgeous sons 🙂

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