Why doesn’t my stepson’s mother have to pay anything?

February 19, 2014

This is a tad complicated but ill try not to confuse anyone.

My stepson is 5years old he lives with me and his dad full time, he sees his biological mother once a month for two hours at a supervised contact centre. His biological mother has two other children to two other fathers, she is also pregnant again. Due to my stepsons mothers decisions in life social workers are involved. My partner and I both work full time. Both my stepsons mother and her boyfriend are on benefits. Recently I asked the social worker why it was that my stepsons mother is not paying any child maintenance considering she is happy to moan and complain about ridiculous things like she doesn’t like the jeans he’s wearing or something silly like that.

I was told this…

“Well she doesn’t get to make any decisons in her childs life thats why”

That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I presume if we tried to get csa we would fail due to the life she has chose and lack of income. But I also don’t see why financially I should be presumably responsible as in the social workers eyes im just my stepsons – Dad’s girlfriend and legally I haven’t adopted him in any form. I offered to my boyfriend from day one of us becoming a family and living together that I would take half the responsibility for this child which I still accept now as its always been very clear this childs biological mother would never be a constant, stable person. What I dont accept is receiving phone calls from social workers saying that my stepsons mother isn’t happy with A B C she wants to change her contacts days when it suits her, turns up with one Christmas present, sends one of her children to my stepsons party kicking and punching me and refusing to eat party food as it was ‘poisonous’… but yet she is not paying a penny to raise this child at all and I’ve been told by people whos job is it is to make sure parents raise their kids properly and are held responsible for their own actions that this parent doesnt have to. Why?


4 Responses to “Why doesn’t my stepson’s mother have to pay anything?”

  1. jo on February 19th, 2014 8:20 pm

    She should be paying child support whether social workers are involved or not….do you get any help from social support if not the mother being the nrp should provide something….if she were male she would be vilified! Being on benefits I’m afraid it will only be 5.00 a week! Don’t let social workers demean your role as a step parent, you’re obviously a role model for your stepson and that’s most important.

  2. josie2014 on February 21st, 2014 1:27 pm

    We don’t receive anything. When we were initially going through court for custody the childs legal guardian for court told us one of us had to quit our jobs to be a main carer as I earned less I quit. Then a week later the guardian decided to ask my boyfriend to reduce his hours to 20 a week. They gave us no information about any benefits, no information on child benefit or child tax credits. Didn’t inform us that as there was a child we could claim working tax credits. We had my stepson for 8months on a 20hour a week wage. We went through hell got into several thousand pounds worth of debt with pay day day loans just to cover rent and the household bills. My family did our food shopping, I had to ask my mum to take my car off the road and store it in their garage. It was hell. Every time we ask for advice or help or mention my stepsons mother negatively im told I nit pick, we cause problems, that we have it in for her and I have a vendetta against her. We were told taking my stepsons mother to court would be unfair and a mistake as they support her and think we would just put unnecessary stress on her…

    sure you can appreciate my frustration. We cant say a peep without being in the wrong so in the end you just give up.

    I got to a point within my own reasoning that I dont want her money. Im happy to do what I’m doing. But I would appreciate her saying “I will pay £5 a week or fortnightly into a bank account that my son can access when he turns 18”

    Myself and his dad have a bank account for him it has a couple thousand that will be added to and released on his 18th Birthday. We contribute monthly from our bank accounts as im pleased to say we cleared our debt.
    Last year my stepsons mother had two holidays abroad but turned up to her christmas contact with one present- A Truck from tesco for £8
    I pay £42 a month in school dinners and I pay that from my wage.
    But then she sends me messages about not dressing her son in certain clothes, that his birthday party should have been better. (No contribution from her by the way)
    But its not about the amount things cost though its the principle. I see dads slaughtered for having multiple kids, spoiling themselves and ignoring their first born. And yet for some reason she’s exempt from this rule. But some dads may be interested to know.


  3. jo on March 8th, 2014 10:51 am

    Your social worker sounds like a twat and should be acting on your behalf….you might need a new social worker or find out what your roles are….ie are you just there as a babysitter until bio mum is back on her feet, does your partner have a residency order on the child etc etc. If you guys are receiving the child benefit then get csa onyo her if you’re struggling.

    I would not be taking demands from the bio mother who obviously has authorities wrapped around her little finger! I’d be blowing my top by now, what input does your partner have, maybe it’s him who should be involved more and tell the ex and social worker where to go if you guys are doing a good job and no concerns with your parenting skills.

  4. josie2014 on March 8th, 2014 8:56 pm

    I do agree there & we have requested a new social worker just waiting to see whats happening as the social services have wanted to sign off for a long while now but as my stepsons mother keeps failing at contacts etc also having new babies every year that then need to be introduced to my stepson the social services legal team wont allow the social worker to sign off as they cant tick all the boxes yet to say all future contacts will be met.
    No my stepson will never return to her care after what she did to him. The social services have even discussed giving me parental responsibility for my stepson.
    My partner is very involved & is constantly phoning them asking questions but just gets reminded that as  his son is still on a ‘placement with parent’ order they are in charge not him so as for telling them where to go we cant! We recently applied for legal aid so we could apply to have the placement with parent order discharged but we were declined due to us both being employed.
    We have a meeting next week with my stepsons Mother & her boyfriend we were told to behave reasonably HOWEVER when we asked “so we presume your going to tell her the same?” Guess what we were told…. are you ready its fantastic!!
    “We all know what shes like with contolling herself she will never change” 

    Its ludicrous I could tell you things you wouldn’t believe. 
    Incl this social worker approved the care order for my stepsons half brother to move back from foster care to his biological mother when she had a new baby approx 6month old, A rottweiler and a Staffordshire bull terrier in a back to back house with no garden. (Also after doing what this woman did to my stepson she never took the drug/alcohol abuse, parenting or anger mangenment course she was told she had to do) yet this order got approved. 

    As you can see a very small part of this is CSA but i did wonder where we would stand as my step sons mother has a 4yr old, 1yr old also a baby due in June and im sure there will be more to come, so i couldn’t see a court ordering her to pay anything as they seem to go much easier on the mother anyway.

    I’ve just got a promotion at work and so has my partner – we want to start looking to buy a house and get on with our lives as you can only do so much before you say enough is enough but I don’t know if we’re just being too hopefull with that!! If anyone reading these comments is a solicitor,  lawyer, judge, JUDGE JUDY, newspaper editor 😉 i could enlighten you! Please help.

    Thanks for your comments Jo!!! 

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