When my ex remarried she stopped me seeing my son

March 10, 2013

I am not sure if this is the first story on here with this type of scenario but here goes firstly i am not a runaway dad…always faced up to my responsibilities and have never given anyone a reason to end a relationship. I will not go into this too deeply or il take up the whole site with my story I have a boy of 10 yrs old who i have never been allowed to see as soon his mum got married…last time i saw him was when he was 6 months old..

I then had my first daughter who is now 8 with her mother but when she was just under 2 years old her mother cheated on me..we split and this is the time we found out she was pregnant again…i paid maintenance privately for both girls even knowing the 2nd born may not be mine..but to me she always was and always will be regardless (as well as continuing to pay for my son)..she was a bad mother and got involved with drugs and alcohol which myself and the family eventually found out and rallied round to support her. (believe me there are some real horror stories of neglect which i havent got room to type out) when the girls were 4 and 1 year old she abandoned them and i got the call from social services to collect them..

I was now with my current wife and she supported me in this so we got them on temp residence order. From there on she tried to get the girls back and had a two year court battle and i was subjected to sickening allegations in her trying to do so. I gave up work as her solicitors said i could not look after them with both myself and my wife worked full time.with the support from my family and all her family i won the case and now have full residence order..myself and my current wife then had a little boy who is now 2 years old but unfortunately the court battle took it out of us and had an amicable split last july.

So I gained my girls but lost my marriage. Now I am back in a full time job as a single parent and live in a rented house with just me and my two girls..The girls mum was in full time work for about 18 months during this time to which the CSA knew as all details supplied by myself but never claimed a penny..Now i am back to work I am hearing from CSA about me paying for my first boy again…so i am a single father working , supporting my two girls with no maintenance help…i am paying for my 2 year old boy £125 month who i see every week as i live close (intentionally) so i can be an active father to him. now after working out what the csa want from me for my first boy I will not be able to survive. My girls soley depend on me and if i cant give them a roof over their heads what will become of them..

I dread to think and do not want to think. I have told CSA if they can get maintenance for my two girls there will be no problem as the payments will cancel each other out. But im guessing as a single father it is not that important to them. Why is it different when single fathers are trying to get payments? This situation is getting very difficult for me now and I dread to think of the future. All this while i have to drive an hour to work…get the girls to school…pick them up at afterschool which is £700 per month.

Please if anyone has any information in what i can do I will be most grateful

Comments

  • Alice says:

    First of all I am sorry to hear of the troubles you have had and are still having, and respect to you for being so keen to do the right thing by all of your children.

    There should be no difference between you getting maintenance as a single father than a single mother.

    A few things to check – have the CSA contacted the mother of your 2 girls and set the effective date of the case?
    If so have they confirmed her employment details and obtained wages information from either her or her employers?
    If so have they processed a maintenance calculation on the case?
    If so have they contacted your ex partner for payments – if so and she has not complied have they issued a Deduction of Earnings Order to her employer?

    In regards to the case where you are paying via CSA for your first son – have you informed the agency of the 2 girls who are living in your household? You are entitled to an allowance of 20% of your net income for the girls before the maintenance is calculated for your son.
    Your second son you say you are paying privately for – you might want to consider opening a case through the csa for your 2nd son and making it Maintenance Direct – this way your 2nd son is recognised in the calculation but you pay the mother direct at an amount that is agreeable to you both.

  • John F says:

    Thank you for your helpful email Alice
    Unfortunately All the above is pretty much yes
    I did tell csa by letter and phone all her employment details
    They did send me a table which accounted for a few Thousand pounds in arrears
    They gave me a schedule what i would be getting
    But that was it
    The case vanished
    Even though i was continuing to take the girls to her employment address (Where she lives) for the girls to see her !

    With regards to the calculation for me paying for my eldest son – I am not sure where the 20% allowance comes from
    As i got a table which said my discount allowance for my girls would be £2 each ! a week – I was disgusted at this as how can they make a judgment on £2 a week each for my girls? That gives me enough to pay for one dinner each at school !
    I have written to my MP now and got a swift response so Hoping to hear back soon from CSA… crossing everything i have…

  • wilf says:

    John F:- Your allowance for 2 children in your household should be 20% of your net income before the maintenance amount is calculated.
    Ask for a revision of your assessment citing this fact.
    If it is refused ask for an appeal booklet so you can appeal within 1 calendar month.

  • John F says:

    Thank you Wilf
    I will check that out if it comes to it
    i guess its added stress to think If the girls mum neglected and abandoned the Girls..what will become of them if i had to make these payments…surely the social services cannot allow them back with their mother after the terrible things they have been through (which i just cannot reveal on here) This situation cannot be the only one out there..You would think delicate situations like this that there should be some kind of procedure in place. I have a cudboard full of court case files to prove my situation.

  • Alice says:

    John F
    if you have received a payment schedule this means that there has been an assessment and as you have stated yourself from this you know that there are arrears on the case. contact the agency asap and ask for them to contact your ex again to get payments in place – if she does not respond to phone calls she will be issued with a warning letter giving her 7 days to contact the agency, if she does not respond to the letter the agency can impose a deduction of earnings order and her employer will take the payments direct from her wages and forward them to the agency. The agency can take 40% of a person’s net income towards regular maintenance and arrears – they generally aim to get the full debt cleared in no more than 2 years.

    Also ask then to confirm the allowance given to you for your daughters on the case for your 1st son.

  • John F says:

    thank you so much Alice..noted all your comments
    have now got a letter back from my local MP who has intervened and is dealing with it currently…..i live in hope…x

  • carol says:

    hmmmm…..its not different for dads getting payments john, as a female nrp myself and my life is a hopeless hell with no chance of ever seeing my child again.

    You slate the csa but are happy to use it when tables are turned…no better than your ex imho.

    If people STOPPED using this evil agency, it would not exist, so you are keeping the csa going. Just because our exes did a number on us, doesnt make sense to me to inflict that on someone else. If I ever was in your position john, I would let go, move on, and not accept a penny from my bastard of an ex. Though even now, I wouldnt stop my child from seeing their father, simply because they love their dad, and dont see the lies or abuse that they have commited.

    with regards to the social services, I also had a cuboard full of proof against my ex, but he was their golden boy, even though CAFCASS knew what I said tallied up, and were against the SS approval of my ex, my baby was still handed to this alcoholic wingnut and not adopted when I had a break down. Now i cannot move on thanks to him and the csa crippling my every attempt to be able to live. It can all suddenly change, John, regardless of whatever evidence you have.

  • John F says:

    thanks Carol
    and i totally respect your position and your troubles with csa but i think i am in a slightly different position . I realise you think i am using the csa to get money and keep them going but and a big BUT i am only doing it to offset the payments i have to make to a child that his mother will not let me see…
    I am not chasing to cause pain…support my girls…(even though i am entitled too considering what the girls mum has put me through)
    I am only willing to do it because i need to survive and give my girls the only chance they have (thats with me) and not in care !
    If my local mp sorts this out and come to some agreement I will not be chasing money for my girls because i can support them…if the csa go ahead and claim nearly £300 a month off me for a child i cannot even see then i need to offset that with payments for my girls…hope you can understand that x

  • John F says:

    if i lose my girls…my life will not be worth living

  • John F says:

    and please do not compare me to a her..a parent that neglects..mistreats and abandons two little girls…thats not in my DNA…

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