This shouldn’t be allowed – it’s disgusting!
I have 3 young children; a daughter aged 5 and two year old boy / girl twins. My soon to be ex husband had an affair when I was carrying the twins and left me for his girlfriend when they were just 11 weeks old.
Not wishing to set a bad example to my children or sponge off the state, I returned to work when the twins were 8 months old (they were not even sleeping all night!) as a part time teacher. With the help of tax credits and child maintenance payments, I managed to pay my mortgage, bills etc. However, my ex then cottoned on to the fact that legally he only has to pay the csa rate and nothing else. So, he rang up the csa and low and behold, they made some rather large deductions because despite all of the above, I have always ensured he has good contact (every other weekend plus a good chunk of school holidays since he is a teacher too!).
He earns £46,000 a year and I earn £15,000 as a result of me raising our children. He takes home nearly £2500 a month and I take home £1000. He shares all of his rent and bills with his partner. I have to pay all of mine myself. He pays me £526 per month. My child care alone costs me £729!
The child tax credits system gives me £499 a month! The upshot is that he is able to afford fancy holidays and I am £500 short of even being able to cover my basic living costs. It is disgusting that this is allowed! How the csa do not view something as costly as child care as significant is completely beyond me. My young children are worth £40 a week each according to the csa. Could you raise such young children on that and give them a good quality of life? I thought not! After I pay child care, and travelling expenses to work, I take home less than £100 a month! Now I see why so many single mothers do not work. There is literally no point!
23 thoughts on “This shouldn’t be allowed – it’s disgusting!”
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I just read ur post.. Have you informed tax credits your children are in child care whilst your at work as they will help towards the cost of this ad well as pay you child tax credits and working tax if your entitled to that
Ellie I was just about to say the same, tax credits pay up to 80% of your childcare. After you add up everything you are getting (and if you are on £15,000 p/a you should get council tax benefit) you are on a bloody good wage compared to many single mothers out there. My partner and I bring up our two children on a lot less than this and we survive! My ex partner pays when he can be bothered and can not even be bothered to pick the phone up and ring our daughter. When I was a single parent I coped quite well, had council benefits and tax benefits plus childcare when needed while I was at work.. It might seem like he is better off but you don’t know that.
This also shouldn’t be allowed – it’s disgusting!
My ex kidnapped two children and abandoned one at home, as she was doing a number with somebody who infiltrated our family as a friend. (despicable bast-rd).
Having rode off into the sunset, she set about sorting finances out for the children, asking me for £600 a month, and I ask “what are you paying for the one with me”? Answer was zero! Told her where to go, and of course she went to the CSA. Fine by me, but I also went to the CSA for the child that she abandoned.
I was assessed and paid as an nrp, but what of my claim for child support from the mother………..nil assessment, by the CSA. One rule for her, different rules for me!
There are many differing stories on this site. There are feckless mothers as well as feckless fathers.
Having had 13 years of dealing with this system, it is not fit for purpose and shambolic. Important matters involving children belong in the courts with professional accredited lawyers, and not grade one office staff!
If your case did go to a court and evidence of your ex’s income was properly assessed, you would be in a far better financial position.
In my circumstances, I did what you suggest, packed work in as I was being criminalised and demonised as an nrp by the CSA, and my ex was being ‘molly coddled’ by the CSA.
In all, I have 13 years of incompetence to deal with……….and it’s still going on. The CSA are without doubt the worst ‘so called’ organisation, that I have EVER dealt with. Incompetent beyond belief!
Faye, I think it is fair to say he is better off! He has almost £2000 left after he has paid the csa amount for the children. He pays £350 rent!!! I pay £720!!!! I am £500 short of being able to live each month. I get £500 from working tax credits each month. I am apparently not entitled to help with my child care because the nanny I employ is not a registered child minder! The child minder I had let me down – she rang one Thursday and said she would not be able to look after the children with immediate effect. Apparently the twins meant she was over numbers but she hadn’t realised!!! There were no other child minders locally who could take both twins so the council suggested splitting them up. I refused to do this and my mum spoke to the lady who used to child mind my brother. She agreed to nanny for me (she is not registered to care for children in her home anymore and doesn’t wish to register!) for the same money as I was paying the child minder. Basically, I am backed against the wall with nowhere to turn! 🙁
I know that you are stressed out about the situation and it goes further to prove that it is a joke, the worst thing is that it works only for the career layabouts who cant be assed doing a damn thing constructive other than reproducing. I have two children and cant get married or live with them because my new partner will be expected to pay my ex one night stand money for her child while she sponges off the state , so now you can see that it is not just you.
In absolute terms, £526 per month does seem a reasonable amount. It seems to me your problem is more to do with the cost of child care @ £729 and lack of government funding or tax relief in this area than the CSA!
Disgusting is a word I would reserve for some of the trolls on this site.
You say he ‘cottoned on’ to the fact he can pay less through the CSA. I say he woke up and realised you were asking for too much.
You take home £1,000, plus £499 tax credits, plus £526 CSA = £2025.
As people have pointed out – presumably you also get Council tax help etc?
That’s not so much less than him considering you work far fewer hours.
To be honest £526 seems a fair sum and your summing up of the ‘upshot’ as being that he can afford fancy holidays makes it sound like you care more about the fact that he has a nice standard of living than any kind of impact on your children.
If you are genuinely struggling then why don’t you ask him if he’d mind helping out by buying shoes etc? That’s probably preferable to him than handing over extra cash which could be spent on anything.
Bella, your comment offends me greatly! How dare you suggest I am asking for too much! All I am asking for is enough to break even each month. I couldn’t give a damn that last year he bought a brand new car or that he went on holiday 5 times (yes, 5!!!!). What I do care about is the fact that I am £500 short of being able to afford BASIC living costs each month! £2025 may sound like a lot but have you considered that £729 of that goes on child care, £720 goes on rent. That leaves me with just over £500 to pay all other bills, travel to work and feed and clothe my family? So in actual fact, I am concerned about the impact on my children. Why would I care about anything else? Quite frankly, I would rather die than ask him to buy anything. He feels he has ‘paid’ anyway; he has told me so! He has never bought a pair of shoes, a winter coat (my parents buy these because believe it or not, I am genuinely struggling, contrary to your belief!) or paid a penny towards a school trip! Before you judge, maybe you ought to do the maths!
And I object to the fact you believe I get council tax help – I get a reduction for being the only adult in my house, yes! But that is no different to any other single person.
And I work far fewer hours? Really? That’s funny, because I thought 2 year old twins plus a five year old on top of a part time job was equal to more than full time? Silly me! I must be pathetic for being so knackered! And no, I wouldn’t change my children for anything (in fact I went through 5 rounds of IVF and many miscarriages to have them because my ex is in fact infertile!), I am just saying you are ignorant!
I would also like to add that I do not expect my ex to pay my child care. All I am asking for is a contribution so that it reduces the amount of debt I get in to each month. I fully accept that I will not be able to break even until the twins start full time school as 2 children in child care is a killer. I just love the term ‘joint parental responsibility’! What does that actually mean? Hmmmm….let me think…..it means that I get to get up all night every night with newborn twins and deal with a distraught 2 year old so that their dad can sleep with somebody else. It also means that I buy all of the clothes, food, pay all of the bills, take on the enormous childcare bill by myself, wash, cook, clean, work,try to instill good manners, encourage them to eat their broccoli etc etc so that ex can have the maximum amount of disposable income to buy the children endless toys from the Disney store (I then get asked why I never buy them anything ‘nice’), holidays, days out and junk food. Excellent!
“All I am asking for is enough to break even each month”. “I would also like to add that I do not expect my ex to pay my child care. All I am asking for is a contribution so that it reduces the amount of debt I get in to each month”
It’s not HIS job to make sure YOU break even every month. He needs to pay the amount of money your children need, not you. Without the children you’d stll have most of the bills you’ve mentioned. Yes, your rent is a it higher, there’s food and clothes etc – but he only needs to cover half of that minus any time he has them.
There – I’ve done the maths!
“And I work far fewer hours? Really? That’s funny, because I thought 2 year old twins plus a five year old on top of a part time job was equal to more than full time?”
Having children is a privilage not a job! You were talking about his INCOME from his JOB, not any responsabilities you both have outside of work or who is the most ‘knackered’. If you’re that upset by it ask if your ex would like to reduce his hours and be the PWC and you can pay him £526 per month.
Or why don’t you ask him to take on more contact? It would reduce your payments but as you don’t think they’re enough to cover the cost of looking after them anyway you’d be financially better off.
“I am just saying you are ignorant!”
Thank you! I’m just saying you are bitter.
Bella, with all respect, I sense that you may in fact be the bitter one! I am guessing from your appalling attitude that you have a partner who has to pay maintenance for some children! You really do not need to tell me about the fact that having children is a privilege – I went through 5 years of IVF treatment and 4 miscarriages and have the debt to prove it! And no, I am not so bitter to suggest that the debt was incurred for HIS infertility and so I pay my half (I just wanted to make this clear since you obviously think very little of me) happily. It is the best money I have ever spent.
Your maths really does not stack up I’m afraid. You suggest that I would still have the same bills if I did not have children. Well, to start with, I would be working full time and probably would have had the opportunity to progress in my career in the same way my ex has. And no, he did not want to be the PWC for your information. He would not even leave work early to see his seriously ill daughter in hospital. His job is ‘extremely’ important! I also would not have a child care bill in excess of £700 per month for 2 and a half days. And before you even suggest I work full time, I would loose all of my working tax credit and my child care would double meaning that my children would be in child care from 6.45am to 6pm every day AND I would pay more out in child care than I earn! Brilliant. I am sorry that I have offended you so greatly but I still feel my ex should contribute something towards the childcare for the children HE created. I know you disagree with this. Personally, I would never leave my children in a position where they were unable to go for days out etc especially if I had disposable income. As for him paying “the amount the children need” – this includes somewhere safe when I am at work!
As for maintenance, he gets a huge chunk already i.e. every other weekend, a mid week contact, phone contact every other day and half of school holidays. I too would like to spend some time with my children, if that’s ok with you? I have always made sure the children see a lot of him despite the fact he is a lying, cheating low life! And no, I do not express this opinion to the children; they believe the sun shines out of his backside!
@ bella
Well said Bella..especially the point you made ” it’s not his job to ensure you break even”
Gonk
Wow, there are some really nasty people out there. I am genuinely quite shocked! All I am asking is for my ex to pay for the childcare for HIS contact time! I still have to pay FULL child care in school holidays when the children are with me or their dad. Since the children are with him half of all school holidays, it does not seem unreasonable to ask him to pay for just those weeks the children are with him. But, of course, I am just being greedy according to the people on this site!
Michelle
You want a fair and even set up with maintenance that’s great as I see it you get 526 quid a month so if you put in your share of 526 quid and the child benifit of 85 quid and your tax credit of 499 quid now come on 1636 quid a month to bring your kid up , come on this is more than enough more the most your are hardly on the breadline that’s more than a good full time take home pay over 19 grand a year or 53 quid a day .
That’s tax free all you pay tax on would be your 526 quid now dry your eyes and just be thankful you get maintenance and you kid has a relationship with your ex no that’s not me being nasty breakup s happen its how you deal with them it’s no good looking over to your ex pay packet and thinking it is your because it is not your ex pays his fair share and you know it !!!
Yep, someone’s done the maths (and some good maths it is) and it appears fair.
I’ve also gone through ivf (which has left me infertile due to ectopics) and would never use my husbands fertility issues against him nor use it to make a point…..be lucky it worked for you and not use your blessings for financial gain….so many couples end up with no baby(ies) and a huge debt to show for it.
You get maintenance, so my advice learn to budget with what you have and be thankful your ex hasn’t completely walked away from his responsibilities…sounds to me you want it all.
I didn’t comment before, because when I first read the post I thought I was missing something.
Yes this lady is getting a very reasonable amount from her ex and with her wage and child tax benefits she’s doing very well.
I wish I was taking home as much each month after the CSA have bled me of my hard earned wages under the outdated CSA1 rules.
Yes, I am positively rolling in it! I get just over £2000 per month and this is how it is spent. £720 rent, £739 child care, £130 council tax, £100 gas and electric, £200 petrol (I travel into a city to work), £50 water bill, £100 for all other bills – phone, tv (and no, I do not have sky!), insurances etc and £254 for my half of the joint loan (ex absolutely will not agree to reduce the amount. He can afford it so basically, it’s tough luck!). All of that comes to over £2200 and that’s without even starting to feed and clothe us, let alone the number of nappies, wipes etc that we get through! So, yes, I am a completely selfish cow and should be grateful for the enormous amount of cash I receive!
You are better of than most people and you still have your 15 grand a year wages !!!
Hi Michelle, I have read your posts, comments and other comments and you are not the least bit fair or reasonable with your partner…. The amount the CSA dictates is too much in the first instance… Both parent should have equal say on what is spent on the child but you seem to be dictating and expect an awful lot more from your ex… It’s nothing but greedy!!!
Move to a place where the rent is cheaper, ask friends and family to help out to look after your child to reduce child care…. There are plenty of ways you could reduce your outgoings… Your ex works hard for his money and is not subsidised, he should be able to spen HIS money as he sees fit…. Faye, Bella and co are correct… You have more then most NRPs AND PWCs…..
Sally, please tell me how going £500 further into debt each month is ‘nothing but greedy’? I get the amount of money from my ex that the csa dictate after deductions for the children staying over. With this money I provide everything for the children, even nappies wipes and when the twins are with him(he could not possibly provide these – that is what maintenance is for!). I would be more than happy to discuss what I spend my maintenance money on with my ex so that he can have an ‘equal say’. I have nothing to hide – the money goes on shoes, clothes, food, child care etc.
I live in a 3 bed house with my children. The twins share a bedroom and my eldest daughter has a tiny bedroom so down sizing to reduce the rent would mean three children in one bedroom. My family all work full time and so do my friends with no children. Friends with their own children are looking after their children. Looking after two year old twins is not something I would expect any of them to do regularly on top of their own family! I literally cannot reduce my outgoings any further. Maybe you could make some suggestions? Perhaps I have missed something?
I have never disputed the fact that my ex works hard for his money. We do the same job – I am very aware of the demands!
The sad thing is that after looking at my in-comings and out goings again today and discussing with a debt agency (spending £500 more than you earn each month is no joke), it would seem I would be better off on benefits as a result of such high child care costs. This is not something I am prepared to do! I did not go to university for 4 years and work hard to claim benefits. I want to work, I want to set a good example for my children and I want to earn the money I spend each month! Until the twins receive some free child care (next September), I literally do not know what to do or where to turn for help! I have been told by the debt agency that sometimes, children can get their free child care space before they turn three in exceptional circumstances. I will try this avenue tomorrow. I really wanted to keep the twins out of school nursery as I feel they are too young (the nursery attached to my local school is very formal) but I have no choice.
Thank you all for your compassion at such a difficult and scary time! And just so you know….if I could afford to live without any money from my ex, I would do so in a heart beat! The thought of spending HIS hard earned cash does not sit easy with me. As soon as my children are older and I am working full time, I will not take a single penny off him because I won’t need it. At that point, I will ensure that everything my children need when they are with me is provided by me. Why would I want to live off him when I don’t need to?!?! I would much rather he spent that money on the children when they are with him or that he saved it to give to them when they are older for uni, house deposits etc. It saddens me that the bitter people on this site think so little of a woman who is working, trying to raise a young family of three and genuinely struggling to keep a roof over her family.