There are always two sides to a break up
Breaking up of any relationship which involves children is always painful for all parents and children. Amongst the hurt and anger we all need to consider the children first. Allparents need to ensure that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. This way we can all move forwards into our new lives. Children should be supported to have contact with the absent parent…as they cannot be replaced. Absent parents need to be prepared to support their children and I believe that the system of current calculations is about right. Although I can suspect that if the absent parent has more children it can be very cahallenging to manage with two seperate family demands.
My case is simpler, my ex husband left home due to his head being turned by his brothers lady friend, He lives with her now and I wish them the best and I am very happy that the marriage is over and I can get on with my life and put my children first. Sadly I am left with the massive mortgage interest only at £890 per month. and two teenage children I have managed for the last 5 years by working full time and then doing an extra part time job.The children do not want anyone else living within the family so I decided when I divorced no to bother with any relationships until the children are grown up.
My ex husband does work , but as soon as the csa catches up with them, he moves jobs and also moves areas. This results in historic information about what he has earned , but they never manage to gather any money from him.
In the last two years he has taken home well over £30k and i recieve nothing. His partner earns £45k and they have no dependents . The case now demands that he has to pay 40% deductions when they do find him via tax system. As soon as he is found he moves agian. He never answers his phone, never sees the kids just keps on running. Someone needs to look at this system so I can take him to court myself and agree a reasonable sum thathe is willing to pay,,,and end this madness of me and teh kids getting nothing and he keeps running like a criminal. Th esilly thing is that currently he is working and pushing his employer not to disclose his earnings. This company has now made a criminal mistake and are being taken to court, NO doubt my ex has move don again. Th edbet he owes me and the kids is massive and the whole situation eeds resolution. My health suffers and my bills mount the only salvation is knowing one day that the kids will leave school and earn their own living. Sadly I doubt if my health will stand up that long.
But all in all I do not regret having a family and I have the love and support of two fabulous children both of which will go on to university and are a credit to both of us and never give me even one minute of concern. They realluy support me in every way
7 thoughts on “There are always two sides to a break up”
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Hi Linda,
Unfortunately your Ex is what the CSA was set up for….in principle
However, your Ex is now what the CSA doesn’t chase too hard, as it means they have to do something!!
The CSA mainly now targets fathers that already pay, and more often than not, are willing to pay to support their children. I do though disagree that the current system of calculation is correct. It is far from correct, and there can be no One-Size-Fits-All approach. Every case is different, and should be looked at differently.
There are many NRP’s (male & female) that are being forced into poverty, whilst the PWC is living it up, on the efforts of the NRP working.
There is no incentive for the NRP to better themselves, as the better they do, the more the CSA take! However there are incentives for the PWC – i.e. restrict access – get paid more! This in itself is contradictive of what the CSA stands for.
It is totally against the “Best Interests of the Child(ren)” to have contact with the NRP restricted at the financial cost to the NRP, yet is financial gain to the PWC.
The system is completey wrong, and needs to be ceased.
I am an NRP that has fought against made up arrears twice! been threatened with DEO’s for non payment, been labelled “non-compliant” because I question them about their decisions & methods. I have always paid maintenance, and have all my bank statements that show all the payments to the penny!! yet the CSA still took my ex’s word that I hadn’t paid – yet all they had to do was check their system!! they had the money, but didn’t pass it on to her. So when she complained to them about not getting the money – it was me that got the blame!!
They don’t know their ass from their elbow!!
The sooner the CSA is abolished, and a proper system put in place the better.
A new system needs to look at all incomes, both PWC & NRP, the actual basic needs of a child – not want…but need, i.e. the essentials to live. Maintenance should be calculated based on 50/50 initially, and worked in a percentage scale each way afterwards. As currently it would appear that it is pretty much the NRP pays 100%! (Those that do want to support their child(ren) are the ones punished by this system)
I hope the CSA do catch up with your Ex, as he should be making a contribution to his childrens lives, even if he doesn’t want to see them.
Good luck.
hear, hear…. exactly the same situation. the amount is too much, so much in fact I can’t afford to see my boyz :-(…but hey, I made the mistake of being born a bloke…oh how wrong was that.
My Ex is the one that had the affair, kept the house and car – yet I am the one now being punished for being a caring father!! and trying to better myself.
She has only just got a job – part time as it would lose her too much in benefits apparently!! with more money per month than I have! she goes to Spain 3 times a year on my money, whilst I look after our children. I can’t afford to take the kids on holiday, and she refuses!
I currently work 50+ hours per week so that I can just about cover all my bills and put a little aside ready for the childrens birthdays & christmas presents.
I have forgotten what it is like to buy new clothes, I desperately need to change my car (it is 22 years old – and about to die on me!!) but I can’t afford to. If my car dies on me, It will be very difficult to then get to work, but more importantly to me, I won’t be able to collect/drop off the little munchkins at weekends. They are my life, they are why I am still here.
My ex works no more than 16 hrs per week, has a 54 plate car that is owned outright, and only a small mortgage on the house. All handed over supposedly in lieu of maintenance – drawn up by solicitors and signed off in Court! yet apparently it isn’t worth the paper it is written on now, as the CSA take 25% of my salary. In all, my Ex was nearly £80K better off after the divorce, after I had worked so hard to provide for the family. I am now pennyless, working all hours god sends just to get by, whilst she does next to nothing, reaping the rewards of my hard work! so as you can imagine, I despise the CSA for allowing my Ex to use them to gain financially when she shouldn’t be!
The sooner the CSA is abolished, the better.
I feel for ya.. it sucks, and the kids lose out. there seems to be a lack of “reasonability” anywhere these days.
I’m in exactly the same situation, and I can’t see a way out.
I’m happy to support my two boys, but I don’t want to be raped for it.
If I could pay them directly, then I would.
take care & good luck.
There a lot of different circumstances to compare on here. I have had experience of being a non resident parent and a parent with care. As an NRP I paid straight away for the children. MY ex was allowed to avoid her responsibility, ably assisted by the CSA. Until I got my M.P. involved.
It is my honest opinion, that what happens between parents with regard to children is between parents. Not some pen-pushing oaf at the CSA. I have ditched two children because of CSA intervention with my private life! (well done csa).
I have not ever been offered mediation, the CSA have used the stick on me all of the time. The CSA has no place whatsoever in our society. Where there are differences, Parents should be forced to attend DSS offices to arrange financial support.
If the NRP fails to attend, and will not take responsibility.Then involve the HMRC and stop their pay at source, until they attend. If they are cash-in-hand, go after their employers and freeze their assests, and so on, until they have to attend.
The CSA can boast as much as they like, but it has cost taxpayer billions of pounds that would have been better put into the tax system to support childrenfinancially in the first instance. Add it all up £3 billion uncollected, billions of pounds on failed IT equipment and then look at executive and staff pay with bonuses.
These people are not in this game for children. They are in it for themselves!
Please join the FB groups child support agencies failings and others as we are tryng to get a ‘collective’ together for a meeting with Maria Miller. Thanks
Just wanted to say that you come accross with a lot of dignity. I also find the nrp / rp parenting model difficult, as do my children. I especially empathise with the children not wanting another man in the family, my girlfriend, now ex girlfriend’s children were like this. I think you should be able to have a relationship and go slowly with it and the children and be the boss and happy. I think is possible but haven’t managed it yet. Best wishes, Graham.