So depressed with worry – can anyone help?

Hello, I am wondering if anyone on here can help me with both the actual legalities of CSA and our current situation.

My partner has 3 or 4 children, child a and b with one mother 1, child c with mother 2 and potential child d with mother 3.

We are unsure if child d is his child, he was casually seeing mother 3 on and off for about a year around 3 years ago while he was working away a lot and she got pregnant, she usually says it is his child but occasionally will say he isn’t, we are unsure- there is a likeness but that is not definitive, he is not on the birth certificate. Until she found out he was with me (we managed to hide it from her due to very different social circles and living a few towns apart for a while, as she has a history of threatening and harassing behaviours) he saw the child about once a month but only if she was there with her other child.

My partner wanted time alone with the child, particularly without her other child around, but it was refused. Since she found out about me she hasn’t let him see the child out of jealousy (although she broke up with him and states she doesn’t want him back, though she has left him multiple voicemails threatening me etc even though I have never met her or spoken to her) there is no reason for her to have a problem with me other than that I am with him (I am not violent, I work in the care profession etc) about 6 months ago he got a call from the CSA asking for details, he told them he had no reason to think he was the father etc but they said he has to pay for a DNA test to prove it. Next thing you know he gets letters sent to his parents home for some reason, saying that he has confirmed he is the childs father (he hasn’t) and then another letter outlining what is owned in maintenance, not only for this child but for the 3 others with only a deduction for 156 nights staying with us a year for child c even though child c has permenantly moved to live with us recently. There is also no deduction for the 52 nights a year child a and b stay with us. He offered mother c money per month or for him to buy the child essentials on multiple occasions but she said no each time so she has clearly gone to CSA in spite, even though my partner says she would get none of the money as it would go to the government as she lives off benefits (is this piece of info correct?)

My partner has always paid for his children, giving mother 1 cash occasionally and always paying for things they needed like school trips, after school clubs, their hobbies, clothes and many other things, his parents pay out a hell of a lot as well, taking them to america each year which they can’t really afford and buying all sorts for mother 1’s other child and step children who they count as grandchildren (we have no involvement with them) and he has done the same with child c until she came to live with us, now we pay for everything for her and haven’t asked her mother for anything. But of course he has no record of this. We are very worried about the current situation as we now have child c to look after and due to the emergency of her removal from her mothers care, we had to very quickly move into a home we can barely afford in order to have a bedroom for her and as he is not on a high income and I am only a student nurse earning a basic bursary (getting none of the extra money for having a child as child c is not counted due to her not being my child). We are currently waiting for tax credits to process our claim and barely have enough for food as it is. If we paid what CSA are asking for we wouldn’t be able to afford to feed child c, or at least it would end up coming out of her DLA as this is the only extra money we have but it is supposed to be her money for the costs of her disability. Mother 1 is also living off benefits (though she has a part time job now) so I don’t know if she would actually receive the money or not, if not then the children would loose out as we could not afford to pay for anything for them any more, nor would we be able to do anything nice when they come to visit. They had a situation which worked and now it is being ruined. We are both feeling desperate at this stage- he is refusing to reply to the messages or acknowledge them which I feel could end up with us in a worse situation but he thinks they can’t do anything if he doesn’t reply, however I feel he should be informing them that they have the circumstances wrong (child c lives with us) as I have heard they can take money straight out of your wages before they even get to you.

Also how does arrears work- I have read that it is from when CSA contact you first, but my partner thinks it is from when there is no evidence you have paid from, the oldest is 11 so that idea is terrifying, especially when he has been paying.

I am also assuming they have got the information about child 1-3 from their mothers by contacting them and in which case they are blatantly lying… yet there is no evidence of this (except that child c now lives with us).

Furthermore, is there any way we can avoid paying for potential child d (at least through CSA- he would pay her directly if she’d accept it)? He is not on the birth certificate and he has had no contact with him for at least a quarter of his life, because she won’t let him see him. As far as he is concerned he can’t deal with mother 3s behaviour and although he wishes he could have a relationship with child d, if child d is his, he feels for now, for the sake of the family, he needs to wait until the child is old enough to choose to contact him. He doesn’t make the decision lightly, the mother is from a very violent family and he fears for our safety, she is also in a group of friends who seem to thrive off reporting each other to social services and the police for things they may or may not have done… he worries she would do this to him if she found out child c has come to live with us. Is there anything we can do?

Thank you for listening, I am so depressed with worry at the moment- child c is all that is keeping me going.