Shouldn’t a man have a right to who should have his child?
Feeling defrauded and harassed!!!
I am new to this and like most of the stories I’ve read on this and other websites, I am looking for answers. I am very upset and feel despondent and, as a matter of urgency contemplating whatever options I can muster. Mine is a long and depressing story. I have, unfortunately, been dragged into what I can see is a mess of a system by a careless slip in judgement.
A few years ago, I met a girl which subsequently led to 3 sexual encounters after which I never heard from her until months later when I received a call from her telling me she was pregnant. This was less than a month before the child was due and despite the fact that I stated clearly during our meeting that I did not want any babies – she assured me she was taking necessary precautions. I felt really depressed and angry as that was the last thing I wanted, especially not with her! Nevertheless, I was there with her on the day the child was born. I wanted to stand by the child. I provided every accessory needed to support the child, from cots down to nappies. I ensured I gave the mother everything she asked for the child. However, I still found the circumstances of the birth hard to take.
Shouldn’t a man have a right to who should have his child? Why was this pregnancy hidden from me until very late into gestation? Is this not fraud? Is the child even mine? Over the years I have struggled to deal with these issues. Yet I still stood by the child.
I made regular payments to the mother and frequently brought them provisions. Then, without any discernable reason, the mother wouldn’t let me see the child – she deliberately left home whenever I went visiting (in spite of having given her notice); wouldn’t let me in to see the child when they were in. In such cases I sent the provisions through her grandmother. On one occasion, the police were called to remove me from the premises after I had insisted on seeing the child. At a point I couldn’t take it anymore and so lost contact with the child.
I got a job in a different city a few months later and so moved. About a year at my new location she contacted me to ask that we put things behind and work together for the sake of the child. I accepted. I gave her my full contact details and immediately arranged to see the child. And so it was that I re-established contact with the child. I took him to my place for days whenever my work schedule allowed; spoke with him regularly on the phone, sent them provisions and money. I pledged to provide the child with everything required for school and did. So was the case until one day I got a call from someone from the CSA informing me that a child maintenance payment claim had been made against me. I was surprised. I told her it must have been a mistake as I had regular contact and provided regular support for the child. I asked the child’s mother if she had made any such claim but she denied it. But I discovered to my shock that she did indeed. Her contacting me was a ploy to get my details for the CSA.
Anyway, the CSA sent me a schedule of how much I MUST pay – apparently they have access to people’s personal details including employment and banking records. Without argument I started making the payments to the CSA. I deliberately chose to pay into their bank account over the counter for personal reasons. I have made regular payments, monthly, this way in the over 2 years since I received their order. However, a few days ago I received a notice from them stating that I had arrears (about 3 months) and demanding that those be paid IMMEDIATELY or else face prosecution.
I contacted the office immediately and it was discovered that the arrears had occurred because the payments I had made were calculated on monthly basis rather than weekly (since some months had more than 4 weeks). I immediately assured the CSA that I would offset the outstanding balance (about 1000GBP) through additional payments in the coming months. I thought that would satisfy them. Instead, two days later, I got another letter detailing a re-calculated larger payment schedule and informing me that those monies will henceforth be deducted directly from my earnings! I was also informed that an order had already been sent to my employers to that effect! I have pleaded with the CSA (a lady) to let me pay off these arrears within the next four months in the same way I have been making payments but she refused! She insists the DEO will stand or that I set up a direct debit immediately.
Through all these, I have taken care to protect my financial record from damage but I fear that this latest attempt by the CSA will not only do that but also damage my standing with my employers.
As a foreigner in this country, I cannot help but feel that this system, as it is, is designed to destroy a man. It legitimises fraud and endorses the exploitation of men – especially, unsuspecting men like me. All a woman needs in this country to get sorted is to trap an unsuspecting man into getting pregnant. Afterwards, she can sit back and lick her fingers.
I hope someone here have suggestions on how to resolve this mess with the CSA, without the DEO (and preferably the direct debit) options.
4 thoughts on “Shouldn’t a man have a right to who should have his child?”
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DespondentJoe,
When the agency initially contacted you, did they not give you the opportunity to dispute parentage of the child?
If you feel you may not be the child’s parent, you should perhaps get this confirmed asap.
If evidence has come to light that cast sufficient doubts on parentage of a child, a NRP can dispute such after a calculation has been made.
The agency may agree to arrange a DNA, if you can provide them with evidence and request they refer you to cellmark for a post maintenance calculation DNA test . There would be a discounted fee involved, which you would be refunded if the child is not yours.
OR
If you need to apply to the court, you can download form c100 from HMRC website to ascertain parentage. It costs approx £175 and the court will organise a date for the case. They may rule that a DNA test is necessary (this will cost extra).
I would advise you agree to the Direct Debt option asap, as once a DEO is in force they are practically impossible to get removed.
Open a bank account to make Direct Debit payments to the agency from and only feed the account with the amount you are liable to pay.
chall ~ afairercsaforall
Dear Chall,
Thank you for your comment.
As I indicated in my narrative, the CSA first contacted me by telephone. I recall being told of the claim and being asked if I was the father. I was too shocked and upset at the time to dispute parentage. However, I have now informed the CSA of my intention to do so and the proceedings are still at an early stage.
More importantly, I believe the questions I have raised on this forum demands a closer examination as they have wider ramifications for society. Specifically, shouldn’t a man have the right to decide who to have his child?
As with the “No Means No” argument in rape cases, no must mean no when it comes to a man’s wishes/rights to choose with whom he wants to have a child. When a man states clearly and categorically to a woman before/during/immediately after a sexual encounter with her that he does not want to have a child by/with her, that right should be respected. Furthermore, the execution of such will is one over which the woman has an overwhelming responsibility. Numerous means are available to prevent any pregnancy up to several days/weeks after the sexual encounter. Should paternity and consequently all the social burden, therefore, be forced upon a man under such circumstances when the woman unilaterally decides to have a child?
It is a gross injustice to the man to be so treated. It is common to hear women charge during disputes over child support that “it takes two to make a baby”. This argument is whimsical and cynical when the man has not consented to fathering a child. Did it really “take two” to effect the outcome in such cases as this?
By rewarding such ulterior and selfish act by the woman with state-imposed sanctions on the man equates to robbery and deprives the child of a healthy relationship with the resentful man. When a woman unilaterally chooses to have a child in spite of the man’s objection, she must take full responsibility for the welfare of that child. She must not be encouraged, especially by the state, to hitch a free ride on the back of and at the expense of an innocent man.
In my case, this has caused me so much harm already and is threatening to destroy everything I have worked so hard for. I come from a conservative society that frowns upon having a child outside wedlock. This has damaged my relationship with my family and tainted my image in the community. Actions by the CSA are currently threatening to destroy my career and plunge me into financial ruin among other pains.
Although I have come to love the child and mean him no harm, I honestly wish that the DNA test will prove I am not the father.
Totally agree with you. If a woman wants to be a single mother and have a child by her self then she should go to a sperm bank. I believe what these women are doing is a criminal offence as it’s essentially fraud. In any other context they would be and should be put in prison as really what they want is a child and someone to pay for it as well.
There’s two general solutions that I can think of the first being that hopefully at some point soon there will be a male contraceptive pill and the second being that as with rape for women there should be formal consent given to having someone’s child. If they go ahead without the other person’s consent then as with male on female rape this should also be a criminal offence. Or if they were too drunk at the time to give consent then this should also be considered a crime.
If I was you I would leave the UK and instead of giving money to this person through the CSA I would either save up some money to help the child directly when they are older or pay for things directly as you obviously have been. This woman has taken advantage of your good will and she will continue to and probably increase her demands if you let her.
I remember my father telling me to be careful because “only women get pregnant” and therefore it was my responsibility to have safe sex with someone I trusted.
It’s not a bad thing that men should take the same precautions surely. All you have to do is wear a condom (or not have penetrative sex) and do it with someone you trust.
DespondentJoe – I can’t understand why you say” I come from a conservative society that frowns upon having a child outside wedlock. This has damaged my relationship with my family and tainted my image in the community.” You chose your course of action – it’s not the woman or CSA’s fault is it!
First get the DNA done and if positive leave the country till the child is 20. It is probably better off without you as “responsibility” is integral part of parenting.