Prevented from seeing my son by ex

November 18, 2011

I have an 11 year old son who is Diabetic with my ex wife. We split up when he was 7, due to her having an affair with a close mate of mine. Im in the Armed Forces so she left me to go back home which is always 180+ miles away. Since then I have tried to see my son as often as possible, forking out for the travel costs, phoning him 2-3 times a week, taking great pride in trying to be the best father possible.

I have never hurt him or her yet she is still being awkward as possible. After spending a huge amount on divorcing her, she has since got my son to come up with excuses to not see me at weekends, making life really hard.

She has also got him to take on her name at school, facebook, etc.

I understand I should pay for my son, but why should I pay the highest amount possible when she is the one trying to stop me. I am now living with my new partner and her child which I am extremely happy about so forking out £300 a month on CSA and another £300 a month on travel costs is affecting my life. Why can’t the CSA look at cases like mine and agree that if the ex is being awkward why should she get the full wrack knowing she can be as difficult as she likes cos every month she will get this money.

What they should do is encourage the mother to allow the father to see their son by allowing her to be awarded, so for instance she should get £150 per month and then upto the full wrack for allowing the NRP to spend two weekends plus a month with the son. I am not trying to prevent paying her but I want to knopw how I can reduce the amount I pay her to stop her from being awkward.




  • Bob says:

    Hi Phil,

    Go to and look at the Legal Eagle Forums there.

  • Lord Raglan says:


    Know where you are coming from..
    I too was in your position – all I can advise really is carry on with the best interests of your son at heart – dont let the evil ex and the unfairness of this system wind you up. When phoning the CSA and you speak to staff be polite / courteous – if met with a staff member who you cannot speak too ask for another one – or their supervisor – explain to them your situation/ personalise it – let them know that you intend to do your best etc – I am not saying that this will make you play less – but it may just get some empathy and suitable advise about the best way to go about the CSA guidelines etc Not all staff who work there are heartless monsters though some are – a decent csa worker will understand your position if you tell them – looking at forms does not personalise your case like you can verbally – hopefully you will soon get a decent and fair case worker..
    My ex too sought to limit what contact i had – I also sent postcards to my children – twice per week as well as calls – it counted in the end my kids saw their mother for what she was and when aged 14 and 16 moved to live with me – my ex now paying me £5 pw – again not right when I paid her £400 pm –

    Face it you are in it for the long term – do your best by your son (can tell you will) and your fairness/ and love for him will pay dividends in the end – she will get lost in greed and spite and eventually lose out..
    Good Luck LR

  • Vic says:

    Lord Raglan a very good post – Thank you.

  • Mick says:

    Been in exact same position as you. The CSA cannot differentiate between maintenance and access to a child. It is not in their remit. A child still has to eat and wear clothes wether the NRP sees his/her child or not. I agree wholeheartedly with your dilemma because mine was the same. I lost contact with my daughter completely for almost 4 years. When i finally did get to see her again, the damage was done. She hates me now because in her eyes i abandoned her, which i didnt. I am the liar, not her mum. Paying for your child will never be dependant on wether or not you actually get any access, thats the law as it is. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

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