Our child is being harmed due to neglectful father

December 22, 2011

Two years ago i split up with my husband. our child was three at the time and live with me. I offered my ex as much access as he wished and he didnt want any time. it took 2 months and me and his mother begging him to see his child two times a month. But i had to take her to him he paid no maintenance for over 12 months. on many occassions he has threatened to take her away from me and not brought her back home i’ve had to drive round his relatives house to find her.

He says he wanted to see her more so i agreed to this but he never done it. I asked him to help with payment for school trips and uniforms as he didnt pay maintenance but he refused said because i left him it was my fault.

Eventually i went throught the csa they said he would have to pay 75 a month for 6 months (due to arrears) then 35 after that he said he couldnt afford 75 a month as he was only working part time (this turned out to be a lie) so we agreed that he would pay 50 a month for a year then get reassed by csa. Throughout this year he has made no effort with out child his new girlfriend plays horrible mindgames with our child to the point where our child has now been refered to counciling.

It’s now been a year and the csa have recalculated the maintenance to be 150 a month. He kept saying he would change the payment to me but never did he then said he was moving to southern ireland with his new girlfriend and baby. He said he still wanted to see our child every other weekend and that he doesnt have to pay me 150 a month because the csa dont opperate in southern ireland. I said he could see our child every other weekend if he wished but because of threats in the past it would have to be supervised until we went through court he said he was not happy about this and he wouldn be seeing our child till it went through court.

He has since stopped paying any maintenance to me. I try the best i can for our child and although it was only 50 a month i’ve noticed a big difference and with christmas comming up she has school trips and school plays and costumes for this to buy and i cannot afford this but dont want our child to miss out she is only 5.

He has promised to ring and she has sat nex to the phone for hours waiting and he hasnt called. I never say anything bad about her dad i make up excuse after excuse for him and tell her every night her daddy loves her but i’m running out of excuses and ideas. I dont want to stop contact but its so destressing for our child. Has anyone got any idea’s of what i can do??


  • janet says:

    You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink by the looks of it you cannot do any more but if he carrys on the way he is its gonna get to hard for you to see your child upset so let him walk away your child will grow accepting of it my son last saw his dad when he was 4 he is 12 now and is not bothered his dad is never spoken of his dad walked away so its his loss my son has never gone without the most important thing love good luck hun don’t put up with it

  • karen bedford says:

    When I left my ex, I took the children for him to see – when he wanted – Sats. but he would not be there, or if he was to come to me, he wouldnt turn up or on time, etc. etc. In the end it went to court for contact order hoping this would stop it – as when he did see them it was when he was doing nothing else and wouldnt take them anywhere or do anything with them apart from the pub or make them watch him playing football! If they didnt, he would lock them in the house and take the phone, so the couldnt call me and tell me. So eventually I asked for supervised visits which were denied because he was their father and we had lived together but even then he had never been around! The kids didnt want to see him and so I stopped it, and it helped them but I was told I was in contempt etc. the contact order was changed a few times but he still carried on mucking everyone around. Unfortunately I did lose it and bad mouth him in the end as I had enough but unfortunately even though for years they didnt want to see him, eventually they did, after my case was closed and the £20k that was left owing to me, I never got and even winning my appeal was told the money would now be given to the other parent – who he wasnt with anymore or he would keep it – so 12 yrs for nothing. It has left me bitter and angry as no justice but my daughter has given up seeing him after realising nothing changed with him but my son started to see him after my partner died and then my father so he was left with no male figure as he decided not to get close my brother – in case he died too! It was made me so angry over the years and Im still bitter at all the injustice that I have had – with no money and struggle while he lived a great life with having more kids by dif. woman – who he doesnt live with. Im so sad at how it all turned out not just cos the injustice not getting the money we should have had, instead of me being in debt most my life, even though I worked but how it effected my children and my relationship with them too. There is no right or wrong answer apart from try and keep the 2 separate and not let the kids know and they will work it out for themselves. Good luck.

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