My son is now an adult – when will this stop?
My ex and I separated 11 years ago and had an agreement drawn up by solicitors agreeing access and maintenance (son) and the sharing (unequally, but I agreed it) of the house etc.
For many years I held my side of the agreement paying what we had agreed (much more than if the CSA had been involved, taking him on holidays abroad, sharing Christmas etc., buying him shoes and clothes as, on his visits to me, he was dressed like a scarecrow!). I had limited access as I moved away to start afresh. I then moved closer with my ‘new’ family and was able to see my son on occasion (although my ex would never allow me to know where my son lived – I still do not know where he is nor have been allowed any access for nearly 6 years).
The last time I met him as an 11 year old he hinted that he wanted a new computer game and, money being tight, I had a new relationship and a new family (3 children from my partner’s previous relationship), I told him I could not afford it so on his return to his mum he obviously moaned about this and she decided to get the CSA involved.
On the odd time that I spoke with her she told me that she did not need the money but was just doing it because ‘she could.’
Eventually the CSA started taking money from my salary (more than had been initially agreed (September 2002) between us and solicitors – what was the point of all that money spent?)
Then I was made redundant in July last year and had no money coming in so the CSA payments stopped.
Eventually, earlier this year, I managed to get a job (probation period etc.) and a few months ago I had a face-book request from my son who I haven’t had any contact with for years – I accepted it but could not get in touch with him at all. I have since worked out that my ex must have made him do this so she could gain access to my face-book to see what I was up to – she also got into a work social account of mine to see what I was doing and low and behold the CSA started harassing me again – my son is 18 next month and according to his Facebook (which I cannot access) he is working.
Now, I am a Dad who has paid more than the CSA would have enforced all those years ago but, they tell me, that does not matter – it is what is happening today and I am responsible for my son. Due to the CSA working out incorrect payments I was forced into debt management 4 years ago (they also took £1300 out of a bank account without letting me know – no apology).
There seems to be no one at the CSA who looks at the case from both parties. They take the word of the partner who is claiming child support and are not prepared to investigate further to make certain that the partner claiming CS is telling the truth. It seems that in the eyes of the CSA ex’s are guilty until proven innocent – that is very hard to prove when they (CSA) are purely focussed on one side. (I appreciate that some ex’s do not pay towards their children’s upkeep)
Now, in order to keep them at bay (my partner and I are suffering sleepless nights, illness, stress etc.) and to stop their, what in my mind sometimes borders on ‘bully boy’ tactics, I have agreed to set up payments that we can ill afford (plus arrears which I do not agree with).
As many of you state on here, when will it stop? My son is 18 next month and he is, in the eyes of the law, an ADULT and I feel like I am being persecuted and have nowhere to turn to for support and guidance. How long do we have to just accept what the CSA does and the way in which they do it?
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I really sympathise with you – sounds (in a few places) as if you have had similar experiences to me. I was also unfortunate enough to marry a woman who used the CSA as a weapon. I also wonder if it will ever end as I am now subject to arrears which I don’t believe I owe – because the CSA will not provide a breakdown of my ‘debt’.
You are right that a child legally becomes an adult at 18 years – but under CSA rules (from the government website):
Child maintenance payments usually stop when the child reaches 16 (or 20 if they’re in full-time education not higher than A-level equivalent), but there are some exceptions.
Exceptions
Child maintenance can stop sooner, for example if:
• the child is 16 or over and getting certain state benefits – including Income Support
• the child is no longer eligible for Child Benefit for any other reason
• the parent paying the maintenance goes to prison – payments may restart when they’re released
• the parent receiving the payment doesn’t want it anymore
Even when child maintenance stops any unpaid amounts up to that point must still be paid. These are known as ‘arrears’.
It is clear to me that the CSA is a collection agency that has little to do with support for children. My stupid mistake was that I did not retain proof of all the payments I made towards the upkeep of my children – which runs into many thousands of £’s. I don’t begrudge a penny, but I do object to a disorganised rabble such as the CSA randomly informing me I ‘owe’ arrears – which they refuse to substantiate. My children are now past child support age and I am not confident that any payment I make will be used for the purpose it was originally intended – to support the children.
There are (too) many examples of UK government departments being totally incompetent. I’m sure we have all experienced neglectful service from local councils (I most certainly have) – but the CSA consistently manage to exceed even the worst examples of bungling.