My ex keeps threatening to go to the CSA

January 7, 2011

Hello, I’m a father of a little boy that I’ve seen every weekend since me and my ex split 8 months ago. She met someone she was working with and left me with a house to pay for, we seem to have split on quite bad terms. I don’t earn a massive amount of money, about £1000 after tax and national insurance, but I’ve learnt what I can and can’t afford and as such, I get by (just). I had to quit smoking, and cut my drinking habit down massively to afford to keep myself.

My ex lives back with her mam, who’s house is paid for in full (no rent or mortgage to pay). on top of Working Tax Credit, Child Benefit and money from a part time job (she works while I have our son at the weekend) she is now demanding £100 a month direct debit or she will go to the CSA who in her words “will rape me”. now, I know this is not a massive amount to some people on here, but my problem (besides the financial pressure I’m already under) is this…

I pick him up and drop him off every weekend and during this time I take him out, spend time and money on him, have a place for him to stay on a night, feed him, do things that in my opinion not enough fathers in my situation do. these costs are secured by me, and paid for by me, with no help from anyone. Out of the £1000 a month I get, about £150 a month is disposable. the rest is spent on rent, council tax, car, etc etc etc… it adds up to about £850 and does not take into account annual costs i.e car insurance/servicing and the fact that when I can I buy her nappies and wipes.

I fail to see why I should be the one stuck in work full time, and be left with £50 a month when she can afford to go out drinking every week? I know this because my freinds see her out all the time.

I’m convinced that if the CSA get involved, I’ll lose my car, no car = no job, no job = no money for either of us. my life will not be worth living. If she wants more money, she should go out less or look for a better job, or quit smoking like I had to. The only thing I can possibly think is go to Citizens Advice, see if they can produce a documentation of my outgoings to reduce payments and let her pursue the CSA, am i wrong to ask for a fairer payment? £100 a month is two thirds of my disposable income, about 66%.

I have no problem paying for my son, but I don’t see why I should be left with nothing if she’s already a hell of a lot better off than I am. Is there anything I can do? please, any ideas or comments would be most welcome!

Many thanks


  • Brokenfather says:

    There is no point in going to Citizens Advice as they will not be able to help you. The CSA is free for the mother to use at her will.

    Assuming you have 2 nights per week overnight care, then based on your income your CSA assesed CM is £25 pw so you may as well pay up what she is asking for at present. There is no point in involving the CSA unless you have to.

    The CSA do not care how you live or care for your child after they take the CM and given it to the mother.

    You are correct the whole financial support that the Government provides is geared to only one resident parent, mothers usually. You as a non resident parent really dont count in their eyes execpt to provide more money for the mother of course. Sorry to seem so downbeat, but that’s the way it is …….

  • Helen Humphreys says:

    askin 4 1oo pound a month isnt really much.a lot of nrp on here wud love 2 be paying that 2 be honest.maybe she is unable 2 do more hours with caring 4 ur son.

  • Laura Maybey says:

    If she keeps threatening then she's probably heard about how the csa work. To be honest if my son's father bought nappies or wipes it would be a great help. They're expensive as you know. If she did use the csa then whatever she would recieve for your child would not affect any benefit she may get. Seek advice on this. If she contacts them never say you wont pay cos they will then really go for you. Use the csa's online maintenance calculator to see what they would expect you to pay. All the best

  • John Edwards says:

    your ex needs to remember just because she may make a claim that do not mean she will be paid, my ex took me to the csa in april 2004 yet the csa just sat no her claim untill may 2009 ive been paying since sep 2009 yet to date she has'nt had a penny of the 3.500 grand ive paid, your ex really needs to think hard and ask herself is it worth it, all the shit most of us here have or are going though, your ex needs to come to this web site and meny others like this and just start reading i advise no one too use the csa no matter what,,there is always a better way,after all you loved each other oncethe fall out from useing the csa will harm all of you most of all you son, good luck mate,

  • hg says:

    broken father is right the CSA dont give a stuff how much you have to live on…she could be earning ten times what you are on and you would still have to pay her..
    get a joint residency order in place to protect your visitaion…you will have “shared care” and she would recieve less but you will still have to pay….
    If you come to a voluntary agreement and to be fair what she is asking is reasonable- put it all in writing or get a standing order in place where you will then have proof if she ever does chnage her mind and go to CSA- she will when she realises she will get more money- like most peple out there who love to use children as a weapon and a meal ticket!

  • Allan Morrell says:

    As every one can see, the PWC went straight for the money life… says it all really before any issues of CSA, this PWC has £ signs b4 her eyes and gets led (or would that be LAID) for the money life!!!!No more than satisfaction of greed for money

  • Allan Morrell says:

    PWC's prefer not to be fair about payments…. they always want it ALL and they always want it NOW….. wouldnt that be the selfish side and the greed being evident????

  • Vicky Guest says:

    Sorry to hear about your situation cant be great let alone relaxing,i agree with the first comment many people pay alot more but in your situation i would deffinatly seek advice from citizens advice you may have to speak to alawyer but you may qualify free legal aid so dont panic about more costs. My husband's ex get's £300pm had 15k of debt paid by my usband and she got her house paid for,bills etc for 6months after they had split. We have to pay till his daughter is 19,she gets EMA-£120per month,has apart time job,her mum gets the csa, plus child benefit,child tax credits and has apratner too! Dont mean to be on the negative side but dont expect somethjing great fromt he csa as they are NOT fair and do not give to shits about your life or how you have to survive,its about paying for your child. More like paying for your ex as i see it!Good luck,keep your calm,take adeep breath and think no matter what your son can never call you and nor can your ex,your agood dad 🙂

  • lee short says:

    csa sucks i was asked to get a loan to pay off my arreaers
    which id refused to pay as i thought was injust due to them being
    when they demanded most my wages at the begining leaving me with
    nothing but maybe £10 a week to live on, eventually they changed
    itand last year on a very low income of £450 a month they first
    tried to get £100 a week, sadly i made the comment whats the point
    of living if i cant provide for myself which set off alarm bells
    for them and they came to much smaller agreement.Since then i
    walked out of work and now dont pay anything as i have no income
    but it anoys me shes got 5 kids earns alot more then me and tells
    me regulary ive not rights im not his dad blah blah and has made it
    impossible for me to see him in the 17 years hes been here, uk
    sucks giving mothers all the rights i left because she was violent
    not something i wanted our son to see, and im made to look like the
    bad one

  • Alyson Davies says:

    £100 a month is a hell of a lot better than what the CSA would take off you, the only other thing to worry about is if it would stop at a £100 are you at such bad terms where she would take this off you, then a few months down the line demand more. She could still go the CSA and they would make you pay arrears for a period that you have already paid which could result in over £300 a month. Maybe you should open up a separate account put some money in it week/month if the CSA does get involved at least you will have something to help take the brunt off the arrears, good luck and i hope you come to an amicable agreement.

  • Alyson Davies says:

    i forgot to mention, it doesn't really matter what documentation you get about your out goings the CSA don't take any in to consideration, they just want your pay end of.

  • Jem Pogue says:

    True Alyson the csa will just make up a figure more in the region of £600 p/m and if you can't afford it well tough is there attitude !!!

  • harambe says:

    The only way things will change if there is a collective revolt. If there is a critical mass of NRP who refuse to pay on a matter of prinicple and demand their rights from the goverment then will be they taken seriously. On an individual level NRP will remain vulnerable to victimisation and exploitation by the RP. Together, if NRP’s get organised and hold fast they can bring about change.

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