I’ve been trying to see my son for 13 years – is there anything I can do?

October 29, 2013

Ok, after reading all this and women signify men as cheater and men calling women as money grabber is not right. Both parties are responsible for raising their kids in most harmonious and cordial way.

However, most of the time when relationship breaks for one reason or another, its men who suffer more than women. Why, because they have more automatically assigned rights or they can get easily through court. Whereas men have to spend whole of their lives just to see their children/child.

I give you my example, I havent seen my son for the last thirteen years. I have been going to courts to find out where my ex is so that I can have contact. Eventually I found out she was abroad. Then finally last year I came to know, by sheer chance that she has returned and I only found out when I received letter from court because I am now second respondent (first being her present husband). So there we were two men fighting for contact for each of their sons. But as time lapsed, so in court CAFCASS officer who had met my son, told judge that my son doesnt want to see me as I have abused him.

He also dont want to see his step father as it could lead him to face pressure from his mother and his grand parents. Anyway, I tried to involve specialist guardian, nyas etc but judge refused as according to her it will not have any impact on the court proceedings. Coming back to CSA, I lost my employment in May this year due to redundancy, and prior to that I was paying maintenance through them 15% of my earning every month which was nearly 300.00 pm.

Following my unemployment, I went on to JSA and they started collecting basic of 5.00 per week. Now last week I found job and immediately i started receiving phone calls from CSA to pay according to my income. I am so dishearted and feel absolutely humiliated. I dont want to avoid payments neither I have any intention, but she is just doing to make me feel the way I feel now and she is wining in all respect.

I dont know what can be done. Taking own life is not an option but I have became complete sicko. I avoid going to parks because when I see kids playing, it give me immense pain that I cant share those moments which even if my son meet me, would not be there.

He is turning 16 years in december and will have his own mind. But he is so much under his mother that he will not be able to think independently. And CSA also dont leave me alone. Any comment? or advise? Bless


  • jo says:

    I couldn’t just read and run, what an awful situation and my husband can relate to your situation. He also was refused contact and step forward 20 years and his son confronts us on off chance on a night out and beats his dad up with a gang of his friends this was due to his dad so called abuse on his mother….they divorced when boy was 18 months old and mother told her son that his dad was violent even though there has been no police reports etc etc….truth was she had an affair with guy from her work and put all the blame onto my husband because he started his life over and she didn’t like it…just a shame she dragged her kids into it but still wants the money 26 years later.

    Unfortunately now your son is 16 he now has a right to make up his own mind and im afraid with what you have written you will always be the bad guy unless your son does reach out to you.

    If the mother moved abroad for sometime, are the csa aware of this as this should put a claim on hold or closed so make sure your payments are correct.

    I never understand the working of some women when they use their children as weapons, I’m a mother myself and could never do this.

    If your son does look for you keep all your paperwork and show him what avenues you have been down to see him, he might see from there that his mother has lied to him all these years.

    Try and focus on making a good life for yourself. Good luck

  • CSA warrior says:

    hi first of all dont lose hope. seriously dont there is a fight to be had and you can sort this.

    Firstly there is a rebuttable legal presumption that a child benefits from contact with both parents. This is the starting point so the law is already on your side.

    You have to check whether you have Legal Parental Responsibility. If you do then many doors open. If not make that an immediate application. Given that you are paying the CSA that will pretty much be a no lose case. once you have that applications are easier as you can look into places you couldnt before ie you can look into schools

    if you have this already then she has commited an offence of child abduction. what you decide to do about this is up to you but stay legal.

    if you have a solicitor just stick at it.

    I didnt meet my mum till I was 16. I hated her at first but now we are best friends and she sees her 2 grandchildren and they are friends. So theres a personal insight.

    I also had to fight in the family courts for over 6 years. in the end the thing ran out of lies and ran out of excuses. I still see my kids every week but lost 2 years of their life so I enjoy what I have with them.

    All I will add to the boy he will not be interested in your battles with mum and may not even be interested in the truth it will be about knowing you and that is how it should stay. in spite of temptation.

    Fight the fight when hardest hit. its when things seem worst that u mustnt quit

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