It’s not about winning, it’s about the welfare of our son

I got divorced from the father of my son in 2007- we went through CAFCASS who stated he “wouldnt be at risk of SIGNIFICANT harm by seeing his dad” (reading between the lines this means he is at risk of SOME harm but – oh – it’s not significant so it doesnt matter) . He spent the whole court hearing trying to verbally obliterate my character and when the judge gave him a staying contact order for school holidays only – and half of the long summer one he shouted “Well that means She’s won then !” The judge had to ask him to leave court and explain to him that it wasnt about “winning” it was about the welfare of our son.

Even after all this time – he makes every contact visit difficult – it takes between 7 and 18 emails to organise or he doesnt even respond until the day before so we can never arrange any holidays or anything! I have tried telephoning him and he puts the phone down on me. He constantly demeans my character in emails and is derogatory towards me when my son sees him and in my sons hearing – I have never ever said anything bad about my ex husband to my son – I always always put his welfare first but constantly get accused of trying to stop him seeing him and being awkard – but I am not – he just wont communicate in a grown up parental way because he will NEVER ever forgive me for leaving him – he carries a lot of bitterness. I left him because he was a 24/7 workaholic control freak who mentally abused and tried to control myself and my two daughters from a previous relationship.

I have tried to find advice online to help to improve this situation and it is all stacked in favour of dads. I understand that there are women out there who are similar to my ex and I empathise with all the dads who are going through it but honestly I dont know what I can do to ever improve my situation for my son.

He has behavioural problems now because of the way he sees his dad treat women and his grandma when he visits and also because he never knows when he will see his dad until the last minute and then I have to spring it on him.
I have jumped through hoops and never missed a contact visit yet – I want him to have a relationship with his dad – but I want his dad to take responsibility for his bad behaviour and just communicate in a grown up way from now on.

I havent ever broken the contact order but I dont want the rest of my life to be still controlled by him and his whims – I need to be able to know when I can arrange holidays etc

ON a separate note he paid his CSA for a few months at a tiny amount of what it should be and then stopped – it has taken four years to finally get him to pay again – they had to take him to court and threaten him with prison or losing his licence to get him to start paying again and he now pays when he feels like it – its hit and miss but because he pays that tiny amount now and again they cant take him to court again. I dont think the CSA works – he now owes our son at least 3k in backpay and wont pay it – they havent let me know any of this I have had to keep ringing them up every 3 months for the last 4 yrs to try to get the money for my son. He wants to do tennis lessons or karate and we cannot afford to pay for him – yet his dad wont pay. Again – this is not proper parenting – he has parental responsibility as we were married but he is not actually being responsible financially – which is part of it.

With every right comes a responsibility and I dont think these two issues should be seen as separate – if you have kids then you both have the responsibility to maintain them both emotionally and financially.

I am just sad and frustrated that nothing seems to be able to be done about absent parents who are uncooperative!