If you’re not prepared to support your kids you shouldn’t be allowed to see them

January 21, 2013

iv been seperated from my 2 sons dad for 3 years for reasons of safety to my sons a dont allow him near them he is abusive and unfitto even be a dad…

Last time he had my 6 year old he spoke to him like was an adult and like a fat charva… anyways csa have been envolved since i kicked himout… iv recieved one payment then he quit his job cause i shouldnt be getting his money so he says… then when csa catch up again with him workin at a new job one year later it takes them tha long tosort it out knowing whathes like etc to get a payment lan sorted he suposidly loses his job..

He doesnt he claims jsa but still works then goes lagit at the same job again works 12 hr shifts and csa call him to try get payment he answers and makes excuses that he busy at work he wants to set up dd but has to get the details every excuse 3000 plus is owed to my sons their money not mine but he thinks im married my husband can support his kids… yetheis taken me to court for access how the helldoes that work? Surely a man not prepared to even support his kids shouldnt be allowed to see his kids in the judges eyes??

I tried helping him bysaying make an agreement with the csa at least £25 a week to cover our youngest sons school fees as was in nurseryclass part time but to better hiseducation i payed to have him full time and it reallyhas bettered him hes top class and works very hard both my sons do..but dad mr wonderful charva wasnt willing to help the csa maybe shit butthen least i can say iv brought my children upwithout his support and done hellof a job too! csa need to crack down on these kind of dads as my husband ppays every month for his 4 children and we havnt even told the csa we have 3 at home full time as that wil lessin their payments but soon as the ex contacts them bout my husbands working hours or what ever their quick enough to take more money from us?

Seems to me thecsa take from th willing tax payers and take their time with the frauds!pathetic fathers dont deserve their name as a dad if they cant even support them so all mums struggling for their csa payments keep note of every call payment etc as least you can show ur children that you were the one sacrificing everythnk for them and not the sperm doner cause if your exs are owt like mine poison venom pigs well your children will know the truth rather than their lies xx


  • Jo says:

    First, I agree where you are coming from, I also have the ex from hell and married to a nrp, and well done for your husband supporting his kids, but you also need to tell the csa of the children living with you because what if things were to change, pwc in your case became hostile or arrears suddenly pops up, where does your kids come into play then? Doing the right thing doesn’t mean you have to lose out either

  • karen bedford says:

    I had a low life of an ex too, trying to fight him to support his children for years, made all our lives a misery! He turned it around to my kids saying I stopped him seeing them which I only did, when he mucked them around so much they both said they didnt want to see him unless he did things with them, which he never did, he never made much effort with them, if it could have come under abuse – and a criminal act, he would have been put in prison and maybe stopped. Please join the fb groups child support agencies failings and others for advice and support.

  • KMcQ80 says:

    What’s your opinion of fathers like myself who do pay but their mother make it impossible in practice to see them?

  • Gonk says:

    To KMcQ
    Thank you for beating me with your question..you are 100% correct.i would like to say.
    When you are forced to pay for your kids because this government makes you and you are not given the choice ….the NRP can no longer afford to see his kids anymore because of the amount they are bled by the csa and greedy mothers…mothers that go out of their way to stop a father seeing his kids in order she can claim as much as possible from him and with more than willing help from the csa despite her lies to them where a father has to prove he has the kids but the mother does not have to prove he does not….and why ? Because it’s not the mother the csa rob each month and therefore not in their interest to believe the truth that the father says but believe the lies the mother makes without question

  • Gonk says:

    And so much venom in the author’ s last paragraph on this page.
    Well listen up lady ….most fathers who are more than willing to support their kids and don’t need the csa to make them pay.the scales of fair play are heavily weighted in favour of the PWC and the csa don’t give a shit about honest hardworking fathers.
    Your remarks in your last paragraph reminds me of how much perhaps the csa sees all fathers…..not all fathers walk away from their responsibilities as a father…a god damm awful lot of us were dumped on by their wife’s…..and this is their payment for being sperm donors as you so put us……bled to death financially for years by this scum.

  • melanie says:

    im not stating all fathers are the same their not my husband is proof that some dads can infact be great dads and provide. but also he pays csa this children as well as supports ours and his ex is horrible too uses the children like weapons something alot of women tend to do but my reasons for not allowing my sons isint to use them as weapons its because he aint a great dad not even worth calling dad for simple reasons punishes my oldest as if he was 18 when infact 6 leaving him behind and taking his little brother for a week all cause he was cheeky? he cried for days and still gets upset by that he hasnt seen his dad since wher as his little brother seen him serveral times since then and continued to be let down he was given a chance by the courts he blew it by letting his sons down and for been abusive to his pregnant gf at the time. all men are diifferent and all dads mothers etc are different, iv been in contact with csa again and owing his sons 4 half grand the enforcement team are involved but he prob be coming up with more excuses!

  • browned off says:

    I echo your sentiments Gonk

  • carol says:

    Yes agree Gonk etc.

    Its always comes down to money and control. But kids would rather just see their other parent with maybe a cheap treat than have PWC stop access and claim money through CSA. It breaks many NRPs heart not to be able to even afford the travel to see their children, even if PWC let them.


    I would love to support my lil girl…and Im hoping I get this job ive just had an interview for, as a healthcare assistant with enough hours to pay the CSA, whilst being able to afford my own bills and existing costs…and maybe my ex will soften his narcopath heart and let his cherished daughter have a relationship with her mum if she wants it, or he may jus prefer the extra cash to spend on himself, DVDs, cans of Fosters, cheap hookers and Vodka and keep controlling and manipulating me for as long as possible.

    I am trying not to be cynical, but I am not holding my breath either.

    So OP…If us evil scumbags of either gender NRPs paid you enough money….would you encourage and work with us to build the bonds you severed with our children?

    I dismay in this world how much each of us are forced to pay, just to ‘live’….I am even more dismayed when parenting is made to be about money, rather than love and support. I say this as an adopted child who was taken from a poor family and given to a middle class family….it didnt work….you cannot make love and family ties purely about money, especially in a society that is deficient in disposable income or employment opportunities. No cash…no see of child. How utterly evil can you get. Well, it gets worse, you pay to the point of poverty, and still are not allowed to have a relationship with your child. The child then grows up in emotional poverty.

    Did I say evil?

    You, We, I….we all have to answer to our children one day…what will your excuse be?

  • chall says:


    I see in your initial post you state your ex HAS been ‘abusive’ to your children and that it you state it ‘Seems to me thecsa take from th willing tax payers and take their time with the frauds’ .

    Personally, like many others, I do not condone a pay to view arrangement.
    Nor do I condone parents avoiding thier responsibilities towards their child/ren. However, as a parent I certainly do not condone any adult being abusive to any child, as in your case, your 6 year old son.

    You have received some harsh replies, don’t feel the need to appease other’s on here that have possibly misread your post .

    If there are arrears on your CSA case, how are agency intending to recover the amounts owed?


  • carol says:


    look, I think no one is disputing abusive parents should not be left alone with children, but the whole not being prepared to support your kids debate is well, quite open to varibles. A PWC says if NRP is not prepared to pay, then they get no contact with their child. I can understand that, and some NRPs just dont want to pay, sad state of affairs. But…. non payment is not always a case of not being willing to financially support, yet many NRPs are left being labelled like this by sweeping gereralisations such as the OPs opening headline that theyre not prepared to pay (her own choice of words) and then playing Contact God when it boils down to currency.

    Present day, I am, unable to pay anything more than a paltry fiver a week, to my second child, but the home I have here, and the love I had to give, would be priceless to my child and her experience of life, I am confident of that. My ex says I dont pay anything, but wtf with please? JSA not known for being a big money spinner. Its seems some PWC just wont be happy until we’re cap in hand on the streets homeless with fuck all, especially without a bond to our children.

    What I was trying to relay in previous post, was, lets not make parenting solely about money money money. If your child gets on with your ex, and they are good with your child, but theyre just not flush £££…dont ban them or disallow contact. Think of the bigger picture when your child is an adult forming relationships of their own….good relations with both parents makes all the diff. If the NRP really didnt make an effort either with financial or physical support, a child will know that in time and make a decision themselves. But if a child finds out PWC blocked their relationship with the other parent because the NRP failed to meet monetary demands, then again, your child will know, and hold resentment.

    Of course the OP doesnt have to appease herself, but then neither does anyone else. We have all stated an opinion, and its our right to do so. Being big grown adults an all….

  • Melanie says:

    Im not denying access at all just cause e wont pay up am denying it due to his behaviour way is with me and hos current ex now whom is also not allowin child to see him! All men are different im married to a man of 4 kids to previous he looks after them sees them supports them is one hell of a dad, and he is to mine we hae 7children between us and we both are parents to each and every child, i know how important relationships woth parents are and the childs development self esteem and confidence but my boys confidence is zero been around his dad its not healthy at all i do my best i can for my kids please dont slate me for doin my best.
    And i know what you mean willing dads get robbed my father had that too where he took us everyother weekend and weekday and csa within week or 2 of parents splitting up took straight from my dad wages nice dads get robbed nasty dads get away with it!

  • chall says:

    Quote Carol: sweeping gereralisations such as the OPs opening headline that theyre not prepared to pay (her own choice of words) and then playing Contact God when it boils down to currency.

    Melanie will have had NO input with the title of her post, that will have been courtesy of the CSAhell’s admin.

    – is that what you have based the content of your replies on?

  • carol says:

    not entirely chall…melanies last paragraph mainly.

    I know its hard to lay off emotions when been with an abusive partner, particularly when it affects our children, but still, we are all just trying to do our best on here. I was made to feel like I was just rent a womb for my ex and well, comments in last paragraph can cut to nrps who want to be more than sperm donors/surrogate mothers, are are actually offensive, even intent is not meaning to be so.

    But thank you for your reply melanie. Sounds like you got a great guy there.

  • Melanie says:

    Wel iv not long had a phone call from csa a doe is goin to happen but last time that happended he suposidly lost his job few month later he back at same place odd really but then he never left his job was just another way of gettin away wth not providing,
    I am actually waiting for him to take me back to court for access but if and if he does get access their wont be any days unsupervised, it would be nice for my sons to have access a mean what parent wouldnt want a lil break my sons are hard work and havin 7 is defo hard work a lil weekend but id rated know my sons are safe than been around him, even when i had a operation few months ago i was helpless if it wernt for my friends and family and hubby a dnt knw what i would of done cause if he seen them he wouldnt of had them for me cause wuda made my life difficult if u know what i mean as when he was seein his boys hed cancel or make some excuse up day before knowing i had plans just like my honeymoon he was meant to have the boys for a week and he cancelled saying he wernt having them for me to have a holiday! Luckily i knew he would do that so we disnt book anywher apart from night away which my father ended up havin my boys a real dad wouldnt do that to his child/ren i certainly wouldnt!
    Like i said not all dads are the same and i do hope you all get something sorted soon
    Appriciate all comments regarding my post and again sorry if i came across a nasty money grabber and what csa i do ever get wil be saved in account for my sons for when their older as they no doubt will need it the way goverment is going!

  • j says:

    “Melanie Bell, January 21, 2013,
    iv been seperated from my 2 sons dad for 3 years for reasons of safety to my sons a dont allow him near them he is abusive and unfitto even be a dad…”

    So are you saying that your ex has abused you or the children? The insinuation is that the children have been abused but you are not clear on the point yet seem to have denied contact.

    Its always an emotive situation but lets be very clear on this, contact between a child and a parent is not a ‘privilege’ of an nrp, nor is it a ‘bargaining chip’ of a pwc, it is a right of the child!

    Contact should only be witheld, (with appropriate support) if it is proven that a child is being physically or emotinally abused in which case you should involve the authorities, have you done that?

    Lets be clear, if the child has not been abused by an nrp then for a pwc to deny contact is also a form of abuse, its called ‘parental alienation syndrome’.

    The best parent for a child is both parents wherever possible so lets not confuse issues, anger about financial matters should not turn into children’s access being denied and nor should a parent ‘influence’ a childs feelings because they are angry about an ex not paying.

    Your opening title – ‘If you’re not prepared to support your kids you shouldn’t be allowed to see them’ – can be turned around to, – ‘If you’re not prepared to allow contact you should not get any money’.

    Sounds harsh but again contact is the right of the child and no one should interfere with that without (really) good cause. I met many women at ‘contact centres’ who had violent partners (and a couple of men) but they had not hurt the children so contact was allowed, albeit under a supervised setting.

    Your ex is not unique in not paying but remember, most nrp’s (men and women) who are decent parents do want to pay, they just want to be treated fairly and not ripped off by the csa and your children shouldn’t suffer just because the two of you don’t like each other.

    The csa don’t give a fig about your kids, contact issues or any abuse, they exist only to get money and sometimes they even pass it on to you so have a go at them.

  • Melanie says:

    Yes i can see point their but the money owed is what he should of been paying when he was aving access!
    He was mentally abusing my oldest callin him a girl a tramp do i go on? Yes all the right people are infact involved and wil be involved indefinatly if he is granted access again.
    When i was within contact regarding his boys all id get was horrible comments on the boys callin even my 4 year old thick cause he couldnt read or write! I wil allow access if my sons want to see him but i wil make sure that every time it wil be supervised!

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