I know my ex uses the money I pay to him on himself
Basically I would like some advice on what to do.
My ex husband and I divorced in 2008/09. We were all living in Holland, the plan was for me to keep the house and the 2 children in question. Everything was done through a mediator. My daughter decided that she wanted to live with her father this was decided together with her father and grandmother present. I was just told about this later. I had got a permit to reside in the country with my children but when this was thrown at me I had to let him have them and the house. I sort advice on getting somewhere to live as I had no family there to help me.
This was going to take 2 years. I had no choice but to return back to England. The divorce papers say that when I have a job I’m to pay for the children, they have a right to visit me and I them as long as I pay the travel costs. Fair enough. I got a job and was paying 200 pound out of my wages a month which with all my other bills etc… was all I could afford, to him this was not enough money. there was a period of 6 months I was not working full time it was now and then and I also had an operation on my hand which stopped me from working for 3 months. So I never paid any child support.
My ex understood and although from time to time there were words said between us. It went by. I then got a full time job for less wages than I was on before. But I kept on paying 200 pound child support. I have proof that he uses the money I send for himself,or on his car etc… and says its nothing to do with me what he spends the money on. He moved out of the marital home as he could not cope with the children and work so moved in with his mother where he is still living. My problem starts here.
In October 2012 I fell Ill. And I am still on the sick receiving ssp and a top of insurance that I privately pay for each month. Now ssp is due to stop on the 23rd April and I am also in the loop to loose my job on medical capability. I can barely walk, I’m seeing a rheumatologist in April, I am also on the waiting list for an operation which could take up until June of this year. Now in October I couldn’t pay anything. He was ok about this didn’t like it, then I told him when I get my insurance through I will send £200 across, he was happy for this although kept on badgering me if I had heard anything from them. a few days before Christmas I sent him the money £200 as promised plus a load of presents for my girls which cost £50 to send.
And the beginning of Jan he asked if I could send £100 as he needs new tyres for his car. I had also told him I couldn’t send the £200 until I returned to work, but whatever I had spare I would send, so the end of Jan I send £50 then he got my daughter to ask me if I would go 3 ways on her school trip which was costing 225 euros, so I agreed least I could do, she then told me her grandmother and her father were using it as her birthday present, but had I said no she couldn’t have gone. So when he had school meeting over the trip and when it was to paid etc… he told my daughter tell your mother just to send 100 euros. I said hang on 75 euros each split 3 ways she isn’t taking 75euros in the middle of nowhere.
He then came back with so I will pay for hiking boots socks etc.. then, so I sent back saying well sorry I was asked to go 3 ways on the trip I have done this. You and your mother are treating this as her birthday present I am not, she will still get £50 on her British bank account that I pay into for them coming on holiday to see me which I pay for all the flights etc… and I have still got her presents also.
He didn’t like any of this. I told him the other day that I sent £75 for her trip which needed to be paid by the end of the month or so he says the trip isn’t until the end of June I think. I have paid up for the girls coming to me on the 6th July all flights booked and returning on the 21st July I will get to see my girls once this year, all I see them for is once one year and twice the second year.
He has now sent me message saying he has come to a decision that unless I pay for the girls child support of the agreed amount of £200 I’m not seeing the girls and he has told them they are now not coming on holiday because he feels that I’m in a bad way health wise and have no money to send to him therefore I would not be able to look after and feed my own children. Knowing full well their trip is paid and i always set money aside for them coming. So I have been sending what I could each month and paying out for trips etc… and no he has stopped this.
My paperwork says when I have a job !!! to pay,and that they and i have the right to see them, he is supposed to keep me informed of anything medical which he hasn’t and any time he has parents meetings etc he is to let me know what is going on and he has never done that. When I tried talking to my daughter by texting I got the feeling it wasn’t her by her comments and I feel that when I call as they have brought the girls into it it will be monitored and the girls will have to say exactly what they are told. I don’t want to involve them as this isn’t fair.
And I have tried getting hold of my other daughter and I’m getting no replys back. I need to know what I can do as quickly as possible as I only have until beg of May for the holiday to pay the rest up as I have booked a week away at a holiday park I have the money put by to pay it but something told me not to pay it all just yet.
So as I have always paid £200 when working, and only see them once twice a year and pay for them visiting and provide them with all new clothes etc. That this can happen? Please can you help maybe steer me in the right direction. Many thanks from a Helpless mother who has had her heart ripped out more than once.
10 thoughts on “I know my ex uses the money I pay to him on himself”
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Well on reading your post,I honestly understand what you are going through, It sound to me like you are being emotionaly being blackmailed, (My ex wife did the same) if i did not pay for extras i was stopped seeing my daughter etc etc,
i don t want to sound cruel bt welcome to the club, This is what happens to NRPs, spoken to by the csa and the pwc like crap, I have had dealing with the infamous CSA and eveything they told me has been a complete lie, They continually bully and are nothing but commom thieves, if you do have to deal with this corrupt agency, i wish you all the luck in the world, Its disgusting that a pwc can use a child/children as a money weapon (You dont pay, You dont see) Those that do this are just as spiteful as the CSA,
Typicall the CSA aee all for the PWC and do not give a toss about the NRP despite there circumstances, Good luck with this, IF YOU DO HAVE DO DEAL THE WITH CSA, welcomw to the bullshit, bullying lying tactic club.
Yeah thanks Pete. It isn’t going through the csa here but I have worked out the payments for each job time off etc… and between the times I have paid too much then too little it doesn’t actually work out much different. But it’s not the csa that is the problem it is just my ex. I cannot travel abroad anymore to see them, and because of losing job etc and being on benefits anyway this is probably the last chance i get for years to come of seeing them, now why when i have been paying (it’s not like we are in the same country and i have them all the time) he finally stops them coming here. The trouble i have if i take it to court here, then their is translators costs on top of everything else. These things just drag on and it wont be sorted within the time i have left before they come over.
As the children are not resident in the UK they do not fall within the remit of the British Child Support Agency.
No, I know Wilf thanks. All it’s over really is the fact i’m bascially classed disabled I have paid for travel for them coming over infact i paid almost £1500,Plus the monthly money I am on ssp and still sending aprox £100 and now he is saying because I’m not paying the full £200 he has told the girls If mum doesn’t pay for you then you are not going I haven’t got £200 to give him. And from next month my ssp runs out i lose my job and go onto income support.
But thank you for your comment.
Tara, your ex is vile…but I am sure you already knew that. If your children live abroad, put money aside for them in bank accounts in their names, or seperate saving acount with their names as refs. You can use this as travel expenses or just for them, depending on how things pan out.
When your ex starts demanding money for his car, dont fall for the blackmail. He is a controlling bully. My only worry is that when he doesnt gett the reaction he had hoped for, he will come back to UK, and instantly go to CSA. But then if you are on benefits, you would be paying a lot less than now.
I know this is heartbreaking for you and the girls, but they will suss what a snake he is, and sometimes, you have to stand your ground or else manipulations as sick as this follow you throughout your life.
Any parent using their children like this are not parents, they are abusers, simple fact.
Thank you Carol, I’m glad we share the same thoughts. And don’t worry both girls have bank accounts we already put money into. It gives them spending money for while they are over and my family put money into it also. At the end of the day He wins. while my health goes down, i’m less able to enjoy the time with my children. I’m only 41. All this has happened very quickly. But what I hate is the girls being dragged through all this. I have always tried to keep the kids out but he uses them all the time my daughter tells me this all the time.
Well I thank you for your comments, and I do take on board everything that is said and appreicate it. Many thanks.
Breaks my heart Tara when some PWCs do this disgusting blackmail of pay per view. You are right, its the children that lose out most. They grow up affected, but please dont ever think hes winning…you may be becoming ill, but he seems like he has always been “sick” …children grow up and then you will be free from your ex.
No more control over you or your life. And he wont be able to control your daughters either. They can see you if they want.
So yeah hes got the cards now, but its an illusion. Same with my bastard ex…he can force me out of working full time, but he wont stop me being who I am or doing what I love.
Carol, Thanks again you sure you don’t know my ex lol. And I cannot wait for the girls to be old enough, trouble is the dutch law says I am to pay for the girls until they are 23 if they remain in education they are 13 and 15 at the moment. But yeah that time cannot come soon enough for me. And good for you even when they arent with you they still like to think they can control you. Their loss at the end of the day. Be strong stay strong, or at least smile coz it makes them wonder why you are smiling.
Tara i really feel for you,what a low life piece of scum you hooked up with there.
Question to ask you do you still have to pay child support to this piece of filth even though he lives in Holland and you live in England meaning does there csa have juristaction to take money from you even though you live in the uk as i’ve read it in your case that they could only enforce this if you lived in Holland,be worth speaking to cab or a solictor about this.If i were you stop paying this man money mean’t for your children and put what you can into their bank accounts for future use.They will understand why you did this when you tell them the truth what he does with it.On a lighter note the csa there seems to have a fairer system across there which the uk csa system could learn from.Finally you sound like you are in alot of pain again if i were you i would sign onto the dreaded esa meaning he would get lesser and to apply for dla as well.(i know its a csahell forum just trying to help her) and keep strong don’t let him destroy you.
Hi Steve, Aww bless ya thank you for your comment. I know no respectful decent caring person would ever react in that way. My first ex husband (yes i know how to pick them) Has never paid a single penny for my boys and i have never asked for anything as far as I’m concerned I choose the life and therefore i will take responsibility for it. But I have no problem paying and paying what i can afford but to stop me seeing them is down right hurtful not only for me but those poor kids who look forward to a holiday away not only to see their Mum but to get away from everyday living.
When I got divorced it was through mediation we agreed theterms and conditions and it was stated that when i have a job i’, to pay for them and I’m to cover all costs for their travel arrangments. I worked it out through CSA here if I am on ESA or whatever I should be paying £8 a week I offered him £100 a month. and he says he will have to think about it as he feels he has been taken the p*** out of come on really he was getting £200. Anyway I have applied for DLA just got a form back saying they are going to get notes from Doctors. and I am waiting on forms about the ESA to come through to fill out so it will continue from my SSP. I don’t really know a lot about it all.Have always supported myself and my family. If he does stop me and doesn’t let them come over in July I will not pay him a penny but will however put what I can into their bank accounts for them to use as and when required. Thank you so much for your comment really appreicate it.