How can I move forward with this?

August 21, 2013

Hello . . . I am hoping someone, possibly dealing with a situation similar, could help me with some advice please?

My ex last saw his son over 2 years ago when I tried to force him to have contact (I now realise this was a silly move). He has never contributed towards our child, throughout the pregnancy or after he arrived. I didn’t see him for dust when I became pregnant. After the child arrived I asked him for a contribution of £15 a week as I was on maternity leave at a reduced income rate. He came once with a 20 note and asked me if I had change

He then (after several amicable attempts on my part to get regular payments) began refusing to pay at all. I reluctantly contacted CSA and he has avoided them and had his parents lie for him saying he’s not living at their’s anymore, even though he was at the time (after he had finished sponging off me,) and that he’s uncontactable and unemployed. I know theseto be lies as he works full time for his dad’s business. However, this has been hard to prove as he isn’t on the books and he doesn’t have a bank account.

3 days ago I received a letter from CSA stating that they had finally managed to make contact with my ex but he is stating he has no income and is being supported by his new partner’s benefits :-/ .

I am a single working mam with a small child. We are not well off but we’re not cold or hungry. Anything my ex gave me I would put in a bank account for my son to have when he’s older. Even £5 a week would shut me up but I don’t seem to be able to make any head way. Please can someone offer some advice as to how to move forward as the only contact I have with the ex is through CSA unfortunately. Hope you can help. . . Thank you. . . Kate

Comments

  • Janine says:

    Unfortunately Im in a similar situation my son is 9 and CSA have managed to track him down and got £30 per week for my son for about 6 months now after he left me at 1 month from my due date. He submits change of circumstances every week it seems and now maintenance is £1 per week??

    Personally I dont see the point in me pursuing my claim any longer £1 makes no difference to my son. I know its hard but £5 is neither here nor there either.

    He has lost out on his son growing up and if he’s digging his heels in with regards to maintenance Id rather walk away with my head held high knowing everything my son wanted or needed had been provided by me.

    I wish you well with whatever you decide xx

  • Bella says:

    Honestly? I think on this site you are going to get quite a lot of questions about why, when he so clearly didn’t want to have the child when you got pregnant but you chose to have it anyway, do you expect him to contribute? Be prepared for some critical responses.

    The most polite advice I can give you is that the CSA are probably now going to hound this man to the ends of the earth, but you are unlikely to ever see any money. If you genuinely don’t want his money yourself then why go to such lengths to chase him?

    I think for your happiness, your child’s happiness and even your ex’s it would be better to accept that you wanted a child, he didn’t, so yes you have to raise your son financially yourself but equally your ex isn’t getting any contact or a relationship with his son.

    It’s a harsh fact but if men were able to facilitate abortions as well as women then you may well have been forced not to have a child.

  • Gonk says:

    Kevin cook is probably right.
    This kind of loser is what gives all the rest of us honest caring fathers a bad name.
    He is a wanker and I feel sorry that you ever got involved with the prick. He should provide you with support . 50/50 but if the CSA get hold of him, it wont be like that at all..they will bleed him hard and for as much case they can.
    If he’s working cash in hand,you got no chance of getting any money out of him for your child and trust me the CSA will not chase him to much as they see it a pointless task. They sooner go after and hound dads on the paye system and the honest ones who do pay but they feel need to pay even more to make up for the ones that don’t, ie, your ex.
    Good luck
    Gonk

  • Kate says:

    Thank you very much guys 🙂 or thank you to the ones who have actually given advice rather than criticism. I have chosen to ask them to close the case. You’re right in saying he’s missing out, it’s his loss and I will ensure my beautiful child won’t miss out on anything.
    In response to bella . . . I believe you had the best in mind when writing your reply. However, and you might find this shocking, some people would be offended by it being suggested that they shouldn’t have even had their child. I chose to keep my child as abortion is not an option to me. I lost a child, stillborn at full term 2 years previous to my son being born. So as you can imagine I was not about to do as you suggested. Maybe instead of being so negative towards posts you could try giving advice that will A- help and B- actually make a difference in the now as time travel is yet to be invented.

  • Kate says:

    Thank you to gonk, kevin and janine. I hope you all find happy resolutions. Best of luck to you 🙂

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