Ex won’t let me see my son at Christmas

December 20, 2010

Its that time of year once again, where us Fathers who have done nothing except abide by the Law (albeit a Law that doesn’t work), are punished yet again.

The CSA continue to take money and I yet I still do not have access to my precious Son. Its Christmas and I want to send him presents, but know full well my ex-wife will not pass them onto my son, they will just end up in the bin or returned as they did last year!! My son probably thinks I don’t care.

I am about to send him Christmas cards and fear that over the course of Christmas I am likely to spend a night in Police Custody for sending my son a Card, wishing him a Merry Christmas because my ex feels that any communication constitutes harassment – the bad part is the Police believe her what a joke!!

My ex will not see sense and doesn’t want my son to have access to me for her own gain. She won’t even let me see him in supervised environment (not that this is required), but she cannot get it through her head that children need both parents not just the one.

I just want to say to all those parents out there missing their children at this time of year through no fault of their own, you are not alone and I know what you are going through, its not easy but one day, your children will want to know you – that is one thing that is a given and I believe!

Take care all at this time of year _ Merry Christmas and all the best for 2011.


  • Brokenfather says:

    I share your pain Lee.

    Our love for our children is now stored in our hearts hopefully to one day be released for all the world to see ……

  • Moi says:

    I could not imagine what it would feel like to not see my little boy’s eyes filled with joy on Xmas morning while opening his presents, but I do share some of your pain as my husband has a little boy himself, and even tho the child is nearly five, we’ve never had him over Xmas. We’ve never seen him opening gifts… And we know this year will be the same. And same as you, we have no guarantee he will get the pile of pressies we bought him from our hard work. It might be returned or even worse, binned.
    The only thing we can do is shake it off, try and enjoy the family we have built together and rest assured we have done everything in our power to offer the child a good Christmas, something any kid deserves.
    I hope there is something or someone out there that someday will punish all these women that can’t see beyond their needs and don’t even care about their own children. I know that is a horrible thought, but the amount of pain they bring to so many people at a time of the year when it should all be about giving and forgiving, it’s not even funny.
    My husband’s ex has denied us access so we’d not qualify for overnight discount, which then means she can keep an extra 40 quid a month to buy some wine …. while a man and his family cry over it and a child asks for his daddy constantly!
    Sick, sick people out there…. Makes the ones that work hard and have managed to maintain a set of morals through times like this ashamed to be part of the race…

  • Scott Messymace Mason says:

    im in the exact position as u my friend and its hell but only people like us understand eachother, way we feel, ive become depressed and even though i put a brave face on deep down inside im hurtin.on jan 10th my daughters birthday she will be 8. 3yrs now of constant hurt n all her mum gives a shit about is money. (she run off with a bloke with own buissness) tried rebuildin my life but this time of yr fall apart. They say times a healer lol, ill only be heald when i hold my daughter again in my arms n tell her i love her.

  • Christopher Lee Witcher says:

    Same here. I have money taken out and no visitation.

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    This sickens me.When my ex decided to walk out on me, I made sure contact arrangements were in place even though he decided to move 200 iles away. I met him halfway up the motorway, and for 6 Christmas holidays in a row our children spent 2 weeks with him because they wanted to. They are now 20 & 18 years old, and for the last 5 years he hasn't wanted to see them at any time, let alone Christmas.Despite the fact that our offspring wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire, they understand that I did everything in my power to make sure they had a relationship with him.My conscience is clear, no matter how hard the last 5 years have been..

  • Gary Spiers says:

    I have not seen my child for two years now. When we were going through the divorce process, I had to take her to court to get a contact order. That went ok until we decided to sort access out ourselves. Then the walls came tumbling down. If you have a look at parent alienation syndrome. This is a classic for all NRP's. I have just given a document to my mp re this condition which is widely acknowledged in the US and AUS. Your right, that we pay our dues and still don't get to see our children.

  • Danny Bowles says:

    As sad as it sounds I find great comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this. Time will never heal as this time of year it all comes flooding back! This will be my fifth christmas without my boys! Csa payments should be stopped if mothers alienate the kids! My ex is only interested in money. Take that away and I guarantee I would see my kids. The problem is she has everything in her favour so no need to let me see them. 2 years in the courts and 3 broken contact orders led to me being advised to back off for the boys sake! That was 3 years ago! Just hope one day I will get my boys back! And my life!

  • Allan Morrell says:

    there are way too many selfish PWC's who are only intending to gain revenge against NRP's… Selfish and greedy…. PWC's expect you to provide and are intent only on spending maintenance on retail therapy an using the child as a weapon…. way too many greedy selfish PWC's…. the evidence is here!!!!

  • Jon Ethan Bryne says:

    i know how you feel my ex wife chucks my xmas presents to the kids in the bin even birthday presents i miss my two daughters and my ex even stopped csa i want to pay for my kids and csa are no help and the family law stinks x

  • Susan Ward says:

    We were in the same position as you, when my husband's ex girlfriend found out about me, she stopped her daughter seeing her dad, she walked past our flat everyday, didn't wave or say hello. Since they split up in 2001 he has never had a xmas with his 2 girls,and all because of a bitter ex girlfriend. I know the heartache this causes and there should be a shake up, cos it takes 2 to create life not just one. Its very hard at this time of year especially,but just remember your children soon grow up and when they do you will then be given the chance to tell the truth.What bitter ex partners gain in hurting the ones they profess to love is beyond me.One day the NRP will be heard.

  • Kerry Deal says:

    this is so so sad. i really hope the law gets sorted out and fathers get treated failry we r heading towards 2011. this really should not be happening now days. your ex is a wicked person and i hope that one day your boys know that it was her who robbed them of a father.

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    PWC who are doing this PLEASE STOP!!You are giving ME and the likes of ME a bad name.I am sick to the back teeth of reading stories like this, if the NRP is that bad a parent then the children will see through this without any help from the PWC…Believe me they will.

  • Rachel Napier says:

    PWC behaving in this way have no idea what damage they are causing to their children. What right do they have to monopolise their kids? It appears the laws in this country back them up. It is appalling. My son has always had full access to his dad. Whenever he wants to see him he can, regardless of my thoughts. It is not my place to destroy a father/son relationship. I agree, the child will figure out in later years exactly what has been going on. PWC- are you ready for their questions? Because they will want to know your reasons.

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    You have hit the nail on the head there Rachel..your son has FULL ACCESS TO HIS DAD. That was exactly the way I saw it…no matter how I felt about their father, he is their father and they deserve to know him. It didn't turn out the way I hoped, but I gave it my best shot..all to the good of the children, I believe.And at the end of the day..not only does it get dark..the child/ren is what it is all about!

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    off the back of what Rachel says 'PWC- are you ready for their questions? Because they will want to know your reasons' and make sure you TELL THE TRUTH because it will come back to bite you on the arse if you bullshit them!

  • is696 says:

    I live in Australia. I would like to tell you that I also share your pain. While things can be very unfair, I would like to see that God still is fair and will restore what good people deserve, and hopefully not so late.

  • Shaban Afzal says:

    why don'y you guys use lawyers or the personal support unit (PSU) in court which is FREE, if your on benefits your entitled to access and if you do not earn morre than £2650 gross your still entitled. Unfortunately there are only a small amount of lawyers left in the uk who will do legal aid, but google it and yu will find some in your area, secondly if you wish to do it yourself then fillout a c100 form which costs about £60 and is easy to fill in, hand it to the court clerk and try to ask for an earlier hearing date, represent yourself and tell the judge what you want, they do listen and its upto them not your ex's or thier barrister. If all else fails then see your local MP.

  • Paula Halsey says:

    Why are parents using children as weapons. Children are human beings not possessions.These Children grow into adults and will resent their parents actions one day, questions will be asked. Its so sad that the courts dont do more for the children instead of destroying families with the likes of the CSA.

  • Scott Messymace Mason says:

    i have paid over 2k in court fees to get access to c my little princess but her mother was so gd with the lies and water works i had no chance. i pay 55pw out of wages, as if it costs 220 pound a month to keep a child! i have no problem with supporting her but where do the csa get there figures from ? lisa in my case when chloe finds out the truth i hope she dose bite back and real hard.its nice to know some people understand just wish the csa would and the goverment.i was a gd husband and father devoted my life to them.now through selfishness and greed im left with nothin wheres the justice in life for fathers like us ?

  • Phil Lee says:

    The child has rights that are being violated by the pwc – get her incourt and don't fanny about – the judge will kick her arse all over the place. Represent yourself and don't feed the bunch of vultures that call themselves "solicitors" you'll be fine trust the judges and if you don't get the response that you want – step it up – some very good advice provided by others but step up mate – go and take responsbility for doing what is not just morally right but legally too.. luck plays no part in this it's just down to you applying yourself for your child and for you. Go gettem.

  • Phil Lee says:

    Great advice from Shaban – follow it

  • Paula Halsey says:

    As long as you dont get Judge Helen Hughes you might stand a chance. This vile person thought my daughter would be best off with her abusive father ABH GBH perjury a prison record are just some of the things he has done. Me a single mother criticised in court for working to support my children with no csa payments, and having no family support close by to help as I had to move 200 miles away from my ex's violence. I found no legal representation good enough or affordable. The courts separated siblings too, No faith in the courts, or csa.

  • Charmaine Leworthy says:

    There's as much inconsistency in the family courts as the CSA. I've worked on cases where the NRP has had major drink and drug problems, long histories of domestic and physical abuse and appalling living conditions and the judge has awarded access much to the dismay of the PWC and in complete contrast have had to watch NRPs dragged through hell proving their innocence on every malicious accusation thrown at them by the PWC only to be refused access anyway. It's very much a lottery and dependent upon the judge on the day and their frame of mind, it all has very little to do with child and their best interests unfortunately

  • Donna says:

    maybe if the absent parent were big enough to face up to
    their responsibilities and pay for their child we wouldnt need the

  • Lee says:

    Re comment from Donna, what has that got to do with my blog
    comment? I pay for my son and so do most absent parents, the CSA is
    another way or hurting already hurting parents by causing undue
    financial difficulites. My ex continues to deny me any access to my
    son for her own selfish reasons, what more is there to be

  • V8Dave says:

    Lee i really feel sorry for you mate, at least i see my 2
    kids. I know the feeling of being put into poverty by the unjust
    practices of the CSA. i have always paid for my kids but the csa
    seem to be collecting their “government arrears targets” from those
    who do pay and cant be arsed to chase the ones who dont. I feel
    like a sitting duck and they hold the gun. Hope all goes well for
    you in the future

  • Moi says:

    Bloody hell Donna, if you could read you’d see most people posting on here are fathers who DO pay for their kids! They go to hell and back and not because they want to, nor because they should, simply because there are women out there, just like you, that feel they are entitled to steal someone else’s life !

  • Lisa says:


    me and my husband share your pain, his 2 year old son does not know him and is not allowed any relationship with his daddy for spite and personal gain for the mother! makes me sick we pay out CSA every month and are glad to pay but get nothing for it, make me sick,

    response to Donna- the CSA rely on money grabbing trappers like you, Lee has stated he pays for his son, would do anything to see him! shame people like you think you can play God with a childs life!

  • Steph says:

    It’s all so sad. I do my best to maintain a good relationship with my ex and our three kids – he and I divorced eachother and not the children! I am their mother and i put their happiness first – I believe one day they will appreciate what I did and how I put my own sadness aside and fostered their relationship with their dad. I never make them party to the details of the break up even though it was him who left us for a younger blonde! I never complain about him infront of them, and I encourage them to be lovely to his new girlfriend, even though that is painful for me.
    Of course it would have been so easy to use the kids as weapons – but to their detriment and long term unhappiness. What mother could do that?
    Unfortunately fromthe above posts, plenty of mothers could do that – my friend’s ex prevents him from seeing his children – the only communication allowed is by letter which she says she checks for ‘suitability’. We don’t know if the letters get to the children, they never reply. He was not even allowed to text or make contact over the christmas holidays or to know where they went. But he hopes that one day they will be able to contact him – he tells them in his letters he loves and misses them.

  • Simon White says:

    I feel all the Dads pain whose exs dont let them see there Children. My Daughter is nearly 6 months. She let me see her once, in a pub a month after she was born last year. Went back to ignoring me, and I know why, as she is back with her ex. Thts not my problem. I sent her money to my exs friends house over Christmas. Not even a reply. I got her address from a birth cert, and I am an Officer of the law. My ex got in touch with my work and said I was harrassing her. All I did was put a card through the door asking if we can sort out some visitation. She accused me last year of stalking her. From the bottom of my heartI did not. It was all a ploy to keep me out the way whislst her ex was around. I am not interested in her personal life anymore. I just want to see my little girl who is nearly 6 months. I pay csa for two other Children and see them loads. They are itching to see there new Sister. My ex wanted me out the way for her own gain. My security dept at work called me in as she complained and said I stalked her. Again I swear on my Childrens lives this is not true. I have been to see a Solictor, it will cost approx 2000 to get it to Court. I just dont have that money with rent and csa paymemts. Cost of living, no pay rise etc. People say never give up on your Children. Believe me, this ex of mine has made me. I have tried to be fair. What else can I do? Cant go around, cant afford Solictors, she has caused me trouble at work now. I give up…….

  • Lee says:

    I have read your comments which were posted in reponse to my blog – all I can say is don’t give up, that is what she wants – she wants the quiet life and if she can’t have that she will make sure she ruins you in anyway she can!
    I too have seen my solicitor and my costs were higher than yours to get my ex back to court. But what the solicitor said was quite true ‘Children are programmed to want to see their parents and whilst they maybe too young right now to do anything about it and you are powerless (unless you have loads of cash), there will come a time when your kid(s) will want to get in touch’.
    My best advise having spent 3 years fighting to see my son without success and lots of money to the CSA and other parties is to do the following:-
    1 – Think of your child every single day and if possible keep a diary of everything that has happened and everything that you do in your new life – tell her how much you miss her and wanted non of this to happen – do it whilst it is fresh in your mind.
    2 – Pay the CSA, even though I don’t agree with the fact I pay for my son and I don’t get to see him – still pay the CSA, so she can NEVER say you never paid for your daughter
    3 – Send Birthday cards, letters and Christmas Cards as a minimum. If like me you know your child won’t get them, don’t spend huge amount on presents, just open a bank accound and deposit a little bit of money every occasion
    4 – Send all cards etc. 3 ways – 1 Directly addressed to you daughter (that way she cannot have you arrested for harrassment) 2 Through her solicitor and get a receipt, it will cost you nothing but everytime the solicitor contacts her, it costs her 3 send a copy to your own home address and keep it in a file
    Why do all this you may ask? Simple, so when she does come looking for you and she will you have all the evidence you need to prove it wasn’t you, you tried everything and the system is against you.
    I know it is little comfort now, but I know the day will come when my little boy wants to see me and all I can say, is ‘God help his mum when he does see me, as she will have a lot to answer for’.
    Finally, the CSA – be careful with them, especially given your profession – she is not worth you losing your job over and the CSA will gang up with her and make your life hell – trust me I know!!! CSA do get the payment wrong quite often, so watch them for this
    Some people won’t agree with the way I have dealt with things and the advise I have given, but it is advise to you can take it or leave it.
    I hope you do get to see your little girl soon.

  • Simon White says:

    Lee, thank you so much for the reply and e mail. It saddens me to the end I can not see my Daughter. Now my Superiors at work have advised me to stay away as it could start to potentally ruin my career. I have to realise that my job pays to look after my other two Children whom I pay CSA to. My ex knows I cant afford Solictors costs with debt, csa and bills. I will keep everything as proof as I am sure my Daughter will want to see me when she is older. I really do think I can honestly prove to her I so wanted to be part of her life. Like yourself, I will make it very clear the fight I had. I cant worry about my job, she has already contated them and lied. I will never know why she has to be so mean, I was ready at the time to give her the World, and her already 5 year Daughter she had. We got on so well. If she could be responsible and realise the reason she treated me so bad was getting back with her ex, maybe she would understand. The Law needs to look and change for Law abidng, legal hard working Dads and Mums who have trouble seeing there own Children. I cant believe the lies, but I have to give up. If I fight anymore she will make all sorts up again. I am best out the way. I tried to ask one of her friends if she could have my Daughter for an hour or so a week, agreed by my ex so I could maybe see my Daughter there. No reply. Whist I admire people who dont give up, if I dont she will loose me my job. Tough call, I always said your Children come first. With an ex like mine, what is left other than Solictors which I just can not afford. May I wish everyone in this situation all the very best and Justice at seeing there own Children. Thank you all. Simon.

  • jay says:

    I feel your pain and my pain everyday. My situation is so ridiculous I am embarrased to tell anyone. All my friends and family ask me how is your son and are you seeing him regularly? I have not seen my son for over 4 months, I have managed to see him 8 times in the last 3 years for only 2 hours at a time and that is after a 12 hour round trip by car. My ex-wife only uses my son as a weapon to hurt me and cripple me financially. I cannot believe she does not realise the damage this is causing my son. It has been absolute hell, I was a happy, succesful guy, in a professional job and at the highlight of my career, now I am a depressed and angry man who somedays can hardly find the energy to get out of bed. Thankfully I have incredible family and friends who support me and an amazing new partner who guides me through the pain.
    The legal system is painfully slow and disgusting, my ex-wife is a classic example of how to play the system, she has tried every nasty trick and done things and said things you would not believe, I have been arrested and ridiculed, i cant believe some of the things she comes up with and gets away with it. It amazes me how evil people can be. The CSA are now on my back and this like many of you others this is all she is interested in… money. I prey that there is good in the world and the bad will always suffer eventually, but it is so hard living everyday knowing your little precious angel is out there and all you want to do is hold him and kiss him and tell him daddy loves him.
    I have accepted now that no one can help me, I have spent tens of thousands on solicitors and always end up in the same frustrated place. I hope one day he will see the truth and what lengths I have gone to and continue to, to be with him. My advice is get on with your life, as thats all people say to me….. good luck and try to keep smiling…


  • Blain Levi Casey says:

    Sounds exactly like what i’m going through, My name is Blain and i am a 20 year old male, I have a son who is now 1 year and 6 months old, When he was born my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend) left me for another guy and is currently with a new different guy to the guy she originally left for, Anyway ever since he was born i had him 2-3 nights a week up until he turned 1 and 4 months now i have not even seen him one day since, and i am really missing him, I live in Queensland, Australia, And am going to legal aid at 2PM during the walk-in-appointments, I am going to get a family mediation to see if she will back the f**k down and give me time with my son otherwise it will go to a court hearing then a possible proceeding depending on how dumb she actually is, I have a very good suspection that she will say no during family mediation which will lead to a court hearing, And im hoping… Really really really hoping the judge is nice and leaniant towards me and gives me atleast visitation rights, I have done nothing wrong in my whole life never touched drugs, Stopped drinkin alcohol have not touched a drink in 3 years and the part that worries me is my whole family, Mother,2 Brothers And a sister all do Drugs.. and it worries me that it may be brought up in court by my ex-girlfriend because she will do anything and everything in her power to not let me be able to see my son, i pay 30$ a week and i spent about 4000$ on fuel last year to pick him up and drop him off all the time i never once asked her to drop him off or pick him up because she didnt have a car and public transport isnt perfectly reliable, anyway , i do not live with my family so will that be bad on my side that my family does drugs but i don’t or does it only matter what i do considering i am not in the drug filled household? can anyone give me some advice as to my legal rights to my son and wether or not i sound like someone who will be granted half custody or atleast visitation rights? thanks

  • vicky says:

    all you men thing it only happens to men not beening to see your
    kids or kid
    i have not seen my kid in 2 years and its his 5 birthday to day and ex mas to morrow

  • dale says:

    i have a disabled son, he is 7 next month, i live in a two bed flat, and its only tempory accomidation, and my partner has moved in with me, but due to the council, i can only have a one bed place, so now my little boy can’t stay with us, i have had him every weekend, there is only one way we can move into a 2 bed is for my ex to sign over the child beifit, i dont want the money, i dont care about the money, when i confronted her, it was a straight NO!
    Iam also not well myself with medical problems, my son is 7in may, and is getting very heavy to carry, but he is worth it the pain i go through,
    my ex wants my son to stay with me as she enjoys her weekends out with her friends and family, i said where is he going to sleep, she told me “thats my problem” what do i do, i pick him up i drop him off, also just one of many things she wont give back the clothes i buy him from picking him up from school he is in uniform, when he goes home he is in normal clothes, what do i do, i cant afford to drive to his home is 16miles to his house and back, and being unwell as im awaiting a kidney transplant, i have asked her to pick him up from mine, she said “no not my problem” she is now trying or going to try to stop me from seeing him as she has found out that my partner has moved in with me! its affecting her, she is trying to stay out of it, but she has had enough of my ex’s way!
    what i feel is a let down for my son, let down for myself for how i am,
    burden towards my partner who has to put up with all this i’m so worried for losing her as she has been nothing but a rock to me.
    this issue with my ex. she is worried about her bank balance rather than the long term fact, if she wants me to have him from friday to sunday, she has to give a bit,
    is anyone else in this situation, not sure why money is such a issue, its like this all that matters, feelings are the most important for the child, my son has told me not to bring his toys to his house, where am i to put them? he has to go through them next week as only a few weeks before moving! its breaking his heart, his mother dont care what so ever,
    i know you are all very busy, one other question!
    im not going to take him home anymore, as everytime i go to his house i get aboused by her, fed up with being shouted at, my blood boils, but i get in the car and drive away,
    can i refuse to go and take him home, what if she says to bring him? i dont! i have asked her to collect him, she dont, what do i do, please help… very very desperate.. please email me.. with any help, and thankyou for talking time out for reading this,,,

  • kenny says:

    we have a grandson last time we saw him was December 16th .my son was paying his child support but she was not happy with just that she wanted him to suffer so every time she saw him out she would phone the police and get him arrested even though where no footage on the local town cctv the still believed her he spent four months in prison then came out April 3rd just two weeks later she sent him back there he is a broken man and now has lost his job as well..every time she phones them they come running to arrest him what a joke it is suppose to be equal rights

  • jay says:

    My partner is in a very difficult position. he saw his daughter every weekend for a year after him and his ex split up and then in april last year his ex halted all contact. my partner has continued to pay for his daughter and is going through court now fighting for access, his ex however has told terrible lies and as the lack of contact has been over a year we now have the issue in that she wont recognise her daddy. we will fight as long as we need to, presents are being returned and so money goes into a seperate acount but at the moment I cant see light at the end of the tunnel. I am very positive for him and always will be, I will offer support and encourage him solely to have access, it just saddens me. I have a child myself who gets to see her father regularly despite how I feel about him (not positively) this process is dragging out to the point that my ex is being referred to anger management courses when he has no need for them, this is based purely on the lies that she has told. advice please

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