Ex wants money through CSA but won’t do a DNA test

Wow..where to start. I feel I have reached breaking point and that I have no where left to turn. Any advice here I would welcome.

I was married for 9 years and had 2 great boys. We seperated and my now ex wife remarried. She asked to move our boys to New Zealand to which I agreed as it meant a great life for my lads and a new start for her and her husband….it was a very difficult choice to make. We were on fairly good terms so we went to a solicitor and agreed terms of me visiting them and them comming to the UK. I would pay for them to visit and pay for myself to visit at a minimum of once a year.

This has worked out well and 3 years on I am still going over roughly every 6 – 9 months. At the time my ex wife was remarrying, I was in what I thought was a loving long term relationship.

Short version is that I wasn’t. My then girlfriend was cheating on me, lost her job due to theft and stole money from me. She ran up bills in my name and hid all the evidence as I never got the post in the mornings and so we split, we didn’t talk or see each other. I decided to take a year out of work and go abroad, as my boys were struggling to settle into New Zealand life. A week before I was due to leave I was informed by the CSA I was named the father of my ex girlfriends baby.

I phoned the CSA there and then and contested this as it turned out I was one of 3 guys she had been ‘sharing’ herself with. I explained to the CSA that I was due to leave the country and I would totally agree to a Paternity test and would inform them as soon as I got back to the country.

Spin the clock forward and I get back from my trip, a little earlier than a year but I called the CSA and told them my new address and that I was back in the UK and left it at that. Nothing happened and even when I moved I gave them my new address and new mobile number. I started a new job and everything seemed ok, I had no news from the CSA and thought maybe they had left me alone. Then one day I got a letter forwarded from my old address (they hadn’t changed the address after all) stating they were about to start DOEas I hadn’t contacted them.

I phoned straight away and asked what was going on as I was about to loose 1/3 of my take home wage to the CSA. This also coincided with me getting a mortgage which I lost becasue of this. After a long call to the CSA (the man seemed really hacked off that someone had messed up) They cancelled the DOE and told me that I should have contested the paterninty at the start of the case, which I told them I did and I clled them as per ‘contact the CSA’ and that I agreed to a DNA test but was just about to leave the country so couldn’t do it then. I was also told the case should have closed when I left the country but it wasn’t (another mess up).

This means they have been running up a bill for 10 months I was away (currently stands at about £14000). After lots of calls and being passed from one manager to another (there must be loads of them) they said they would sort it out and call me. They never called and then 6 months later a call on a Saturday morning and its a new case worker asking me what is going on??!!

I explained everything to him and his answer was that he’d call me back on Monday. (yup no call) but then he called a week later to ask what I had done about booking a DNA test with a place in Oxfordshire. When I explained that I am a scientist and DNA paternity tests require at least 2 peoples DNA to test he just told me to book it in and consult a family judge about forcing my ex to get it too. In this time I have lost my mortgage and house I was going to buy. My girlfriend is stupidly upset at the thought of losing 1/3 of my wages. My boys in New Zealand who I love dearly will not be included in any calculations unless I take my ex wife to court to get the visitation to New Zealand in stone (shes not likely to do this as she has her own life now and a new baby). It means I won’t be able to afford to see them and this breaks my heart. The issue here is that my so called ex girlfriend who recently got married to one of the guys she was seeing while with me has no issues.

There is no onus placed on her to hurry this up, no deadlines like the guys get. If we don’t sign stuff or bow down to the boot of the CSA we are penalised in a big way but the fact the CSA have had no contact with my ex girlfriend since she opened the case (3 years)and each month this just keeps my bill going up and up. I explained that if she was that desperate for the money why has she dissapeared off the radar? She also just got married and on their wedding website they kept refering to the boy as their son (not evidence in the CSAs eyes that she doesn’t want to pursue this anymore). Why is she living with her new husband in the detached house in middle England while both have businesses and are being all successful and I am left stuck in my tiny flat in London driving a banger becasue I daren’t get a loan as losing so much from my wage will leave me in huge problems in the future.

My questions are simple;

1. Why is there no time limit on her doing something…..why don’t they say to her ‘you have 2 weeks to reply or we close the case’. It must be against my human rights to be left to stress to death. And I have always remained in contact with the CSA. Each month is another lump added to my bill.

2. They claim to be for the interest of the children, so why do my 2 beautiful boys not count in their calculations when I have evidence to prove I visit and a solicitors letter to show the agreement. Thats a UK one and a justice of the peace in New Zealand (had to sign papers there too) 3. I always stand to be fair and just and will contribute toward this child if he is mine as I have always said and thus kept in touch with the CSA but I can’t keep living with this at the back of my mind every day it’s killing me.

The worse bit here is that I know I am not on the birth certificate of this young lad and I also know she wants nothing to do with me as she basically was a criminal and she knows I know too much about her (she has an image she must uphold at all costs). She also made me the bad guy when we split as she saved face and aparently told our mutual friends I left her becasue she was pregnant. If we do a DNA test and the child is not mine then she will look very bad in front of everyone she knows so I think she doesn’t want to bother with it all. So she can just keep throwing letters from the CSA in the bin and not bothering becasue it doesn’t affect her at all. Poeple have said if this lad is yours don’t you want to get involved, trust me she would make that impossible for me and it would cost a fortune to go to court over it.

I work to get money to see my lads in New Zealand (11 and 6) but my work contract is due for renewal and I have turned it down. This makes me unemployed in 4 weeks. If I can’t see my boys then I can’t see the point to anything anymore. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to take control of this but it just keeps hitting me back. Any suggestions will be appriciated.