Ex feels I should raise our daughter myself

October 3, 2010

I find it absolutely outrageous that women are perceived as manipulative, money grabbing and greedy when it comes to asking for Child support when living separately from the father of their child or children.

As parents it is in all our interests to contribute as best we can to the upbringing of our children, financially, emotionally and socially. What seems to happen is that resentment between parents ends up in a row over money where ultimately the children suffer.

I also have an ex partner who lives very well. I have been a single parent for most of my daughters life – she is now 22. Her father has done everything he can to avoid paying child support including paying his salary to his girlfriend, transferring his assets and paying himself a pittance in wages. Meanwhile he sends his step daughter to one of the most expensive private schools in the UK, supports his non working girlfriend at home – a six bedroom mill house with swimming pool and a river running through it and drives around in an Aston Martin DB6! He also regularly travels abroad for holidays.

I don’t doubt that he has worked very hard for this but he seems to feel that the financial burden of raising our daughter should be entirely mine. Even today my daughter is now at university, he refuses to help her with any finances, barely ever sees her and is paranoid that all she wants to get from him is his money – pathetic.

I have, because that is my role, worked full time and supported her throughout her life – I don’t resent that. What I resent is that her father has so little respect for the name father that he is prepared to use his bad feeling towards me to damage the relationship with his daughter.

To all those angry bitter fathers who bang on about us evil women, take a deep breath, think about the children you have made together, put your personal and emotional feelings aside and find a way to be the best two parents your child could have – after all surely in the end is all it is about – if your kid hates you then what was the point in you in the first place?


  • Busylizzy says:

    I sympathise and understand being in a similar position however what makes me smile and remind me , especially when things are difficult, is when my children look at me, smile and say “We love you. your the best mum in the world”
    They and I know that when they do visit their father his stepdaughter has everything which shows them how little they have but as I have always told them you can have all the money in the world but their is one thing you can never buy no matter what “LOVE” something I”m sure is the same for you. It sounds to me that you have done your best for her and she is intelligent enough to know that. No mother can do more than that so rest assured YOU have done a good job NO ONE ELSE

  • Karl Garrett says:

    I’m 50 % in the creation, 100% screwed for it. The system is unbalanced in the favour of the PWC (Mainly women). As unsavoury as this may be, it is the truth. I love my kids, but I’m being raped for money I can’t afford, to support the ex’s lifestyle. but that’s fair apparently.
    Unfortunately, in my personal opinion, all women are toxic & should be avoided, as all they want is money.

  • Helen Smith says:

    I have an amount of sympathy for you. However, I do feel that Mother’s on the whole tend to use their children like pawns with a pay me or you can’t see your kids threat.

  • Hannah Kemp says:

    not a truer word spoken, thankyou for your post, i am not alone in this predicament.what should we do about it though, expose them to the papers do you think??or name and shame them on this fb page is quite in order i believe.x

  • Lorraine Moore says:

    Indeed. Likewise I find it outrageous that NRPs are perceived as deadbeats..which the CSA, in effect, has created for every NRP on their client base.

  • Karl Garrett says:

    I wish I never met my ex or had kids. They are being used as a massive blunt weapon to basically make me live in a shed, whilst the ex lives in the house that I paid for, with a massively inceased lifestyle..but hey, I'm a deadbeat dad who pays and I deserve everything I get!!!…oh and the kinds don't talk to me..cause guess what… I don't have any money…go figure.

  • A Greenwood says:

    Sarah, I can totally relate to what you wrote – initially I thought we’d perhaps married the same man!! My ex drive a Porche though.
    For our 2 girls he only pays £140, but his ‘step-daughters’ have both gone to private school, have a holiday home in Florida & live very comfortably. He is self-employed with his partner and good luck to them, she gets the ‘big’ salary while he gets paid the small amount for the purpose of the CSA. He only bothers to see them once a month and spend a week of the school hols with them. He is the one missing out, not us. As for the money side of it, it would be nice for him to contribute properly to the finacial side of bringing up 2 children, emotional support would be even better, but he refuses to have anything to do with me because I went to the CSA. The girls are aware of his feelings towards me and find it very upsetting that he won’t speak to me, at all. The only ones being damaged by his behaviour are the children.
    I work a 47hr week to make sure my kids don’t miss out, they are now at an age where they are starting to work it all out for themselves & appreciate what I sacrifice for them.
    To all you men out there, get off your soap boxes! Not all women are after money to spend on themselves, just as not all fathers are trying as hard as possible not to pay towards their kids or don’t care about them. There is good and bad in every walk of life – please remember that before you tar everyone with the same brush.

  • Sarah Rushton-Read says:

    Hi A

    thanks for your reassuring response, the whole thing is such a complex situation and all I want is for my daughter, as I am sure most parents do, is not to feel so hurt and rejected by her farther. He makes her feel like a second class citizen not worthy of his attention and it makes my blood boil! This response is also because I went to the CSA and did not take his withdrawal of support lying down.

    I don’t actually think the CSA has helped anyone except perhaps unclog the family courts and recoup some of the money it was paying out in benefits. once you have been to the CSA you cant then take the court route – I never knew that before I went to the CSA. My daughters father has resolutely refused to pay, even to the extent that they are now taking him to court and will send in the bailiffs – how mad is that over £50 per month?

    Of course for those of us not claiming benefits the CSA drag their feet as there is not much in it for them appart from perhaps keeping us in our jobs and off beneifits and for those on benefits, the maintenance just replaces the benefits the state pays.

    It seems to me that it’s the parents that cannot trick the system that suffer the most, the ones whose salaries the state can get access to. I can totally see how this would feel like an invasion of privacy and control.

    However it is a completely different story for the wealthy self employed who can afford expensive accountants. The men – and sometimes women – who are prepared to do anything to avoid helping the other parent to support their child, even if it means going to the extreme of paying their salary to their non working partner who has now sent their one and only daughter to boarding school, mange to get away with it with little investigation!

    Its a sad state of affairs and in the end the only people that end up getting hurt are our children. I constantly find I am trying to make up for my daughter’s fathers total disregard for her feelings. It saddens me that he is so bitter and angry that he cant see past that and see that his daughter needs his time and attention more than she needs his sad little stash of cash!

    I have tried telling him this but he simply can’t see it – it’s insane. So yes I am angry and cross but if he came to me, even now and said he wanted to find a way to resolve the situation I would welcome it because it would benefit my daughter and as a parent my mission was to prepare my daughter for a flourishing life of her own.

    I wish there was a way to get a proper public debate going on the matter but I have no idea where to start! Thanks though for responding as I was starting to feel very alone and frustrated with the whole situation – I have even thought of naming and shaming and publishing all the letters from the CSA on a blog!

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