£70 of payments IN TOTAL for 20 years of my son's life

Emma – please don’t take this the wrong way cos I do think that when people separate or get divorced, this should affect the children’s lives as little as possible and they certainly should not be deprived of anything they need because the household income has been reduced by a parent leaving the family home and the other having to work twice harder than before just to make ends meet. I have many close friends in that situation who the CSA simply refuse to help, even though their partners still get to see their kids when they want but just refuse to contribute financially to the child’s life. Then there’s guys who just move on and for some bizarre reason think that if they don’t want to see their child or have anything to do with him or her or them, then that’s their involvement and responsibility straight out the window and they can’t be made liable for anything – I know people in this predicament that again the CSA don’t seem to want to help so they struggle on alone. Then there’s the horrid situation like one of my friends is in, where she has ended a long term abusive relationship with her children’s father but as his violence and sick mind games were always aimed at her and never them, she doesn’t want to break up the relationship he has with his sons – for their sakes, and because as a single parent she needs some time to earn a living somehow that will pay the mortgage and all the other household bills for their home, because he refuses to pay a single penny towards anything for the kids lives when they’re not with him. The CSA have told her outright she cannot make a claim because the kids stay with him for 3 days/nights a week or thereabouts and because she owns another property (as well as the house they live in) which was bought as an investment around 15 years ago and is rented out to a tenant – oh yes, and because her ex got married to someone else a few months after my friend kicked him out and he now has a baby with his wife. So in order to get the CSA’s help and for them to be able to force him to pay something towards the upkeep of his two boys, she has been advised by the CSA to reduce the children’s visits to their dads to just one overnight stay per week, sell both her houses and apply for social housing with the local council (who will allegedly pay her rent and council tax for her) and she has to stop work too no matter how few hours she puts in each week, because this all affects whether or not she can make a claim to the CSA. Advice like this is what makes the CSA such a bizarre unruly set up – if they weren’t devastating millions of lives like they are doing, then it would be laughable, like a comedy of errors. Seriously though now – these sort of women are the ones with a need that the CSA should be striving so hard to fulfill by making sure that BOTH parents provide financial security and a stable lifestyle for their children, for all of their childhood, and not just for the duration of time spent with a particular parent. Fathers who have not been denied access to their children and who have maintained all their parental rights throughout the separation period and beyond – but who just won’t pay any maintenance whatsoever for them – are the real villains the CSA should be going after, but they rarely bother with the real, justifiable cases and go after the men who have the most persistent hell-bent-on-revenge ex’s who will say and do anything to destroy their old partner or husband’s life time and time again. It’s CSA Policy to accept the word of a woman as being honest with no need for her to provide evidence and no possibility of anyone ever challenging what they say. Even if they know the info a woman is giving to them is deliberately false, it is the CSA’s policy to believe them anyway and they enforce all kinds of horrible action on the men they accuse of doing this, that and the other with no trial whatsoever, the CSA has already decided he is guilty as charged and have already decided what they think a fitting punishment should and will be. It’s this ludicrous policy that makes the CSA the sham that it is. The way I see it – there are 2 categories of women who make claims through the CSA for child maintenance and so called arrears (which are back dated payments in most cases, not arrears at all)…there are many different kinds of women in circumstances like the ones described above that just plain and simply need help in making unruly fathers contribute financially to a child that they are father to in every other sense of the word (and from those who think they can shrug off their paternal responsibilities just because they choose to do so)….then however, there are women with all different kinds of motives for making a claim with the CSA that does not boil down to the fact that they are struggling to keep up with the costs of raising a child on their own – infact often, their reasons for making a claim with the CSA has nothing whatsoever to do with child support, and is purely about getting their own back, getting even with, or getting their revenge on an ex-partner because of the circumstances in which they parted (or due to incidents leading up to the separation) which hurt them so deeply that they still want to strike back at their ex for causing them this pain, and the CSA provide the women with the perfect weapon to do just that. I understand that some men are, pardon the term, complete and utter total horrible bastards…I know first hand what evil things some men can do to the wives and girlfriends and children they are supposed to love and care about, and I know many of them sadly do get away with their horrendous foul acts and terrible treatment of women. But on the other hand I know that just as many women exist who are equally evil bastards that will go to any length depth and extreme just to spite and avenge an ex-partner or ex-husband who they can’t seem to let go of, and who they will not allow to be happy with another woman or to just get on with their new life. Some women exist solely to continue the punishing of a man forever, just because they don’t think it’s fair that the man should ever have left them in the first place. Instead of being the ones the CSA has to carefully watch out for and filter out of the proper system because their claim is not for the intended purpose, instead of the CSA being able to spot these women a mile off, they encourage them to come forward and tell lies to fraudulently obtain monies they are not owed and to get the satisfaction they seek from seeing a man’s world turned upside down, like hers was when he left her. I fully understand the circumstances in which a man may leave his partner and children can be heartbreakingly cruel and so unfair and immoral and everything else bad like that, but that’s not what the CSA are for – they shouldn’t be spending their time and resources sorting out individuals’ old unresolved pain from the past and putting right the wrong doings of past relationships…they are not for teaching anyone lessons, and not some sort of a tool for women who want to to control a man who is no longer involved in her life whatsoever.

I urge anyone – man or woman – who has a claim in with the CSA against their child’s father to make him pay child maintenance…please just ask yourself this, why are you requesting this money through the CSA? What’s really at the rock bottom of the entire scenario, the key main factor in your decision to make the claim in the first place? What event happened that prompted you to make that first phone call to the CSA?

Was it because you saw the dissapointment on your child’s face when you had to tell him that he couldn’t go away on the annual school trip with all his friends this year because you are a single mum now and you just can’t afford the cost of it like you always could before, and your child’s father won’t pay for him to go on the trip either, so he can’t go.

Or was it because you bumped into an old mutual friend in town earlier that day and he told you all about how happy your ex is with his new partner and how they’ve just bought a big house together and are getting married soon and trying to start a family of their own etc?

If you could only pick one of the above statements, which would most likely apply to you and your CSA claim? (I mean you as everyone reading this…not just the lady who I am responding to). For all those who chose the first one, then fine…the CSA should strive to help you with your claim. For anyone who even stopped to consider the second one, even if just for a second, you are not claiming for the right reasons and the CSA should not attempt to progress your case. It must be about financial support that is needed for your child, 100%, and that must be requested at the time you need the money for the children, and not at some stage in the future as an afterthought, expecting it to be paid in one big tax free lump sum payout that can’t possibly be for the needs of children who have already become adults themselves and have flown the nest well before the claim is even made.

Don’t be offended anyone – this is based purely on my own experiences of the CSA and spiteful ex’s. But at the end of the day if your claim is not solely for child support – that is provision of a home, bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear etc that your child will otherwise go without – if it’s about more than that, then you are directly contributing to the unfair society we live in that has become filled with greed hate envy and pride and you are (maybe unknowingly, maybe knowingly but not caring) exploiting a system that has already been exploited to such an extent that it no longer resembles an authority or organisation, and will soon be disbanded for good and replaced with something else entirely.

4 thoughts on “£70 of payments IN TOTAL for 20 years of my son’s life”

Zoe Firth says:

5 June 2011 at 3:26 am

Emma – please don’t take this the wrong way cos I do think that when people separate or get divorced, this should affect the children’s lives as little as possible and they certainly should not be deprived of anything they need because the household income has been reduced by a parent leaving the family home and the other having to work twice harder than before just to make ends meet. I have many close friends in that situation who the CSA simply refuse to help, even though their partners still get to see their kids when they want but just refuse to contribute financially to the child’s life. Then there’s guys who just move on and for some bizarre reason think that if they don’t want to see their child or have anything to do with him or her or them, then that’s their involvement and responsibility straight out the window and they can’t be made liable for anything – I know people in this predicament that again the CSA don’t seem to want to help so they struggle on alone. Then there’s the horrid situation like one of my friends is in, where she has ended a long term abusive relationship with her children’s father but as his violence and sick mind games were always aimed at her and never them, she doesn’t want to break up the relationship he has with his sons – for their sakes, and because as a single parent she needs some time to earn a living somehow that will pay the mortgage and all the other household bills for their home, because he refuses to pay a single penny towards anything for the kids lives when they’re not with him. The CSA have told her outright she cannot make a claim because the kids stay with him for 3 days/nights a week or thereabouts and because she owns another property (as well as the house they live in) which was bought as an investment around 15 years ago and is rented out to a tenant – oh yes, and because her ex got married to someone else a few months after my friend kicked him out and he now has a baby with his wife. So in order to get the CSA’s help and for them to be able to force him to pay something towards the upkeep of his two boys, she has been advised by the CSA to reduce the children’s visits to their dads to just one overnight stay per week, sell both her houses and apply for social housing with the local council (who will allegedly pay her rent and council tax for her) and she has to stop work too no matter how few hours she puts in each week, because this all affects whether or not she can make a claim to the CSA. Advice like this is what makes the CSA such a bizarre unruly set up – if they weren’t devastating millions of lives like they are doing, then it would be laughable, like a comedy of errors. Seriously though now – these sort of women are the ones with a need that the CSA should be striving so hard to fulfill by making sure that BOTH parents provide financial security and a stable lifestyle for their children, for all of their childhood, and not just for the duration of time spent with a particular parent. Fathers who have not been denied access to their children and who have maintained all their parental rights throughout the separation period and beyond – but who just won’t pay any maintenance whatsoever for them – are the real villains the CSA should be going after, but they rarely bother with the real, justifiable cases and go after the men who have the most persistent hell-bent-on-revenge ex’s who will say and do anything to destroy their old partner or husband’s life time and time again. It’s CSA Policy to accept the word of a woman as being honest with no need for her to provide evidence and no possibility of anyone ever challenging what they say. Even if they know the info a woman is giving to them is deliberately false, it is the CSA’s policy to believe them anyway and they enforce all kinds of horrible action on the men they accuse of doing this, that and the other with no trial whatsoever, the CSA has already decided he is guilty as charged and have already decided what they think a fitting punishment should and will be. It’s this ludicrous policy that makes the CSA the sham that it is. The way I see it – there are 2 categories of women who make claims through the CSA for child maintenance and so called arrears (which are back dated payments in most cases, not arrears at all)…there are many different kinds of women in circumstances like the ones described above that just plain and simply need help in making unruly fathers contribute financially to a child that they are father to in every other sense of the word (and from those who think they can shrug off their paternal responsibilities just because they choose to do so)….then however, there are women with all different kinds of motives for making a claim with the CSA that does not boil down to the fact that they are struggling to keep up with the costs of raising a child on their own – infact often, their reasons for making a claim with the CSA has nothing whatsoever to do with child support, and is purely about getting their own back, getting even with, or getting their revenge on an ex-partner because of the circumstances in which they parted (or due to incidents leading up to the separation) which hurt them so deeply that they still want to strike back at their ex for causing them this pain, and the CSA provide the women with the perfect weapon to do just that. I understand that some men are, pardon the term, complete and utter total horrible bastards…I know first hand what evil things some men can do to the wives and girlfriends and children they are supposed to love and care about, and I know many of them sadly do get away with their horrendous foul acts and terrible treatment of women. But on the other hand I know that just as many women exist who are equally evil bastards that will go to any length depth and extreme just to spite and avenge an ex-partner or ex-husband who they can’t seem to let go of, and who they will not allow to be happy with another woman or to just get on with their new life. Some women exist solely to continue the punishing of a man forever, just because they don’t think it’s fair that the man should ever have left them in the first place. Instead of being the ones the CSA has to carefully watch out for and filter out of the proper system because their claim is not for the intended purpose, instead of the CSA being able to spot these women a mile off, they encourage them to come forward and tell lies to fraudulently obtain monies they are not owed and to get the satisfaction they seek from seeing a man’s world turned upside down, like hers was when he left her. I fully understand the circumstances in which a man may leave his partner and children can be heartbreakingly cruel and so unfair and immoral and everything else bad like that, but that’s not what the CSA are for – they shouldn’t be spending their time and resources sorting out individuals’ old unresolved pain from the past and putting right the wrong doings of past relationships…they are not for teaching anyone lessons, and not some sort of a tool for women who want to to control a man who is no longer involved in her life whatsoever.

I urge anyone – man or woman – who has a claim in with the CSA against their child’s father to make him pay child maintenance…please just ask yourself this, why are you requesting this money through the CSA? What’s really at the rock bottom of the entire scenario, the key main factor in your decision to make the claim in the first place? What event happened that prompted you to make that first phone call to the CSA?

Was it because you saw the dissapointment on your child’s face when you had to tell him that he couldn’t go away on the annual school trip with all his friends this year because you are a single mum now and you just can’t afford the cost of it like you always could before, and your child’s father won’t pay for him to go on the trip either, so he can’t go.

Or was it because you bumped into an old mutual friend in town earlier that day and he told you all about how happy your ex is with his new partner and how they’ve just bought a big house together and are getting married soon and trying to start a family of their own etc?

If you could only pick one of the above statements, which would most likely apply to you and your CSA claim? (I mean you as everyone reading this…not just the lady who I am responding to). For all those who chose the first one, then fine…the CSA should strive to help you with your claim. For anyone who even stopped to consider the second one, even if just for a second, you are not claiming for the right reasons and the CSA should not attempt to progress your case. It must be about financial support that is needed for your child, 100%, and that must be requested at the time you need the money for the children, and not at some stage in the future as an afterthought, expecting it to be paid in one big tax free lump sum payout that can’t possibly be for the needs of children who have already become adults themselves and have flown the nest well before the claim is even made.

Don’t be offended anyone – this is based purely on my own experiences of the CSA and spiteful ex’s. But at the end of the day if your claim is not solely for child support – that is provision of a home, bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear etc that your child will otherwise go without – if it’s about more than that, then you are directly contributing to the unfair society we live in that has become filled with greed hate envy and pride and you are (maybe unknowingly, maybe knowingly but not caring) exploiting a system that has already been exploited to such an extent that it no longer resembles an authority or organisation, and will soon be disbanded for good and replaced with something else entirely.
karen bedford says:

5 June 2011 at 8:34 pm

please join the fb groups child suppport agencies failings and others for support and advice esp about the self employed – in an ideal world we would be able to sort out finances for the children if the parents split up but then in an ideal world the parents wouldnt split up, so in a realistic world, parents split, the children need to be supported by both parents and unfortunately you get some parents who wont support them no one goes to the csa for the fun of it but because they have no choice!
joanne shier says:

20 October 2011 at 9:47 am

Karen, everyone has a choice, my partners ex had it all and wanted more, that’s not a choice that’s greed, and that greed is putting our children here with nothing, why is one child worth more than another? I was also a single mum and my choice was to provide for my children, their dad not interested so I did it myself, for my children. Csa just cause heartache with all involved.
emma says:

20 October 2011 at 7:50 pm

Zoe, £70 is not greed nor spite. What ever the ‘external’ factors may be.

£70 of payments IN TOTAL for 20 years of my son’s life

4 thoughts on “£70 of payments IN TOTAL for 20 years of my son’s life”

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