My experiences with the CSA
In a previous life, I was a manager within the Benefits Agency (now known as the Jobcentre Plus) and for a period of a couple of years, I was a Visiting Officer. When a customer made a new claim to benefit, I would visit them at home to go through their claim with them and make sure that they had all of the necessary documentation to support it. Some of these visits entailed preliminary Child Support Agency interviews. I would give some CSA advice where I could and as you may imagine, I heard plenty of novel reasons why some mothers were unable or unwilling to divulge any information.
However, some of the following excuses, received by the Office of Child Support in Detroit, are new one me:
“Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.”
“I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.”
“I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.”
“I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.”
“I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.”
“I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.”
For the record, the best excuse I ever heard whilst interviewing a customer was:
“I don’t know who the father is; he was wearing a crash helmet at the time.”