I’m actually a mother wanting to avoid the CSA

September 26, 2013

This may surprise you, but I’m actually a mother wanting to avoid the CSA – this is why. 15 years ago I had a casual relationship and fell pregnant. His father and I attempted to live together but it did not work out – he took drugs, went missing for days, and gave up his job – expecting me to support us, whilst he did nothing. I already had a 4 year old and worked 4 days a week as a secretary. Needless to say he was out on his ear. He did not see his boy for nearly 18 months.

I’d hear on the grapevine he’d been to this party & that & was generally behaving like a teenager. I got on with my life, continued to work & study & when my children were 6 & 3 I went to university to train to work within the NHS. I worked all sorts of jobs & all sorts of hours to make sure neither child wanted for nothing. I got a good job in the NHS and all the while it was just me & the kids. We were extremely close knit & happy. My boy had contact with his dad from about the age of 4 as he had sorted his life out somewhat. He NEVER EVER paid maintenance!!

I can count on one hand the number of times he’d slip me, say £20 towards a pair of shoes or what have you. He’d got himself into masses of debt & had an IVA – meaning his income was vastly reduced. Anyway skip forward & a couple of years ago I met the love of my life. A year later we decided to move in together. This is where the real problems started. My son didn’t want to move area (we were moving 20 miles away).

Understandably, at 13 he didn’t want to leave his friends. He asked to go and live with his dad – also I think he was upset that he wasn’t the only man in my life anymore – not that I left him out in any way my children were my no 1 priority – always!! To add to this we lived on the edge of an estate were drugs and anti social behaviour were rife. My son had started mixing with the wrong crowd at school & this was the perfect opportunity to nip that in the bud. His dad at this time had just split up with his wife (she threw him out for being unfaithful). After discussing the options with my son and his dad we agreed that he would give it 6 months and if he really hated it he could live with his dad (in my mind this was never going to happen).

Just before we moved my son and I had an argument about cleaning his room – when I came home his dad had picked him up. In the meantime we got on with the move and I fought to get him a place in the local school – which is one of those highly sought after – had to go to a formal appeal and won. Decorated my boys new room and bought his birthday presents. All the while his dad had rented a grotty house, changed my sons schools and promised him the world – being told by my son … me and dad are taking a year out to cycle round the world ….. 12 months on my son is a completely changed boy/young man. He is rude, surly – wont see his grandma (my mum – who helped raise him with me) is running around the streets late at night and is generally being a little shit.

His dad hasn’t taken him to Blackpool never mind round the world. I’ve been left feeling like my hearts been ripped out – watching my son turn into what he has become. his dad doesn’t really care about him and i’ve been told is drinking quite a bit. Yesterday I received a letter from the CSA – why the @%&* should I pay him money. I raised my kids single handedly – without a penny. I worked (sometimes two jobs) studied and built a better life for us Ps my daughter is 19, studying and her brother pretty much ignores her too – despite how close they were.


  • Adrian says:

    Interesting reading and there’s no outcome on this that you are going to like. If you take away the csa and the money i beleive you just want what’s best for your son. This is where it get tricky. He is at that age where he can speak his own mind. I.e a judge will listen to him. However if you can prove that he is being mistreated then you have a case. But let’s just say for arguments sake your son doesn’t want to come back. The only other option you have is care home. By the sounds of it and going of what you have said I wouldn’t hesitate in taking this route. Social services will help on this.
    Really hope it works out for you.

  • Carol says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Firstly re your son he will hopefully come round and see sense and come back to you.

    Well done on all you achieved without the father in your life.

    It would seem that the father has seen a way to have an additional income. The CSA will now take 15% of your salary. Unfortunately as you never had a claim in you can’t go back.

  • John says:

    At least you are honest in the headline.

    My ex wife saw a way of having an additional income through the CSA. She shirked her responsibility for the child she abandoned with me, who told her where to go.

    I hope that you aren’t treated as badly as I was treated by these incompetent oafs.

    Sex equality……….it works both ways!

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