Fathers should stop paying if mothers stop contact
August 8, 2010
My son has always paid for his 2 year old daughter. The mother of his daughter has threatened to stop contact whenever she is in a bad mood about something, but thanks to our crawling and obeying her every wim she usually sees sense.
A few months ago she carried out this threat. My son is now in a position where he has to pay csa, rent, car, and all his other bills and now on top of that solicitor and court costs to get a contact order – even though the solicitor said he has the right to see his daughter and she is in the wrong.
I feel so strongly that a simple law should be that if the mother stops contact, the father can stop payment. It would stop all these girls/women using their children as weapons to control the fathers and when the contact order is granted the mother should have to repay the costs to the father, but it seems nobody cares about the fathers problems…
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20 Responses to “Fathers should stop paying if mothers stop contact”
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I agree, unless there are safety issues, no parent should have to apply to court to maintain a relationship with their own flesh and blood. Care of children should be equal responsibility unless the parents agree otherwise.
Sadly the Government only cares about the money, because they keep a large proportion of what they collect, and they dont care about the broken relationships and lives of one parent that have been totally ruined by the other parents actions.
It’s about time contact obstruction is acknowledged as child abuse, which is what it is ….
I absolutely agree. Get in touch with your MP about it. Thats what I have done and I am not stopping until something is done. Unfortunately the British are good at moaning but not at doing. Get your MP to get in contact with Iain Duncan-Smith MP (in charge of CSA). If everyone does it, maybe we can get things changed. The CSA is due to be reviewed by Government in Sept 2010. Good luck.
Contact and maintenance are separate issues, children should not suffer due to the parents, my ex had contact but abused it (ie. didnt turn up, turn up late) the only reason it went to court is because he couldnt keep to the verbal agreement we had in the first place! But even the court intervention didnt change his attitude that if he had nothing else better to do, then he would see them! I wish I had the same optimisim as you Fabman re: contact MP etc, as I have done this for many years and got nowhere! Good luck, hope you all have better luck than me.
I was put through the mill by my ex. and have not seen my daughter since nov 2008.
prior to that i had a contact order in place. which is to be frank, next to useless.
during my research i found a condition called Parent Allianation Syndrome. this condition is recognised by the courts, police, social services in the US but not over here in the UK. maybe things would be oh so different if it was. google it and have a look.
Why was the contact order useless??
I went with my son to court last Tuesday, she didn’t turn up, they were really understanding at court and have arranged a second hearing a week on Tuesday and his ex has been told an order will be made in her absence if she is not there. We left feeling optimistic.
I do intend to write to MPs re this. I do feel if the money was stopped if access is denied it would at least half all these court cases, I understand this does not apply in all situations but there are an awfull lot of girls/women who use their children as a means of hurting the father with a complete disregard to the effects on the children.
I heard a story recently of a 16 year old girl who turned up on her fathers doorstep. She had been brought up believing her father hadn’t wanted contact. She met all her family and saw the effort they had made to have a relationship with her, this resulted in a major fallout with her mother and she now lives with her father. Divine justice….
Sat there last Tuesday I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness that so many children are caught up in a war between their parents when they are the two people who should only have their best interests at heart….
I’ll try not to be to harsh here, but please try not to get your hopes up to much. A Court will hapilly issue an Order for contact, but it’s just a peice of paper. The problem lies in the Courts consistantly refusing to take any action where the mother simply refuses to comply with it. I fear that by the mother not even bothering to turn up for the initial hearing speaks volumes to me.
Beacuse the Courts do nothing, there is nothing left that the father can do except resign themselves to the loss of their children.
bf (over 4 years since I saw my children, and counting …..)
Oh of course, most of these so called mothers still believe it is their right to collect CM from the father that they deliberately exclude, and the Government provides a free to use organisation for the purpose ………
I would dearly love my girls to see their dad but with new girlfriend in tow he cant be bothered – endless failed promises. I have stopped contact asking for a court order which he will adhere to because my eldest daughter is now having to have councilling because of the constant let downs. Should the CSA stop attempting to collect the maintenance my daughters are due so they can have the extras which I cant afford due to having to pay the normal household bills. Some parents with care dont want to stop contact but have to so that their children are protected from emotional harm. I would love to share my wonderful children with their father & give me a break. Working, looking after the children & doing all the household chores isnt easy!!!!!!
I believe that the father of a child should pay maintenance it is only fair and right. What I don't believe in is the CSA and the way they go about their business with their bully boy tactics. They prevent second families from having any form of happiness due to lack of finances through having to paying ridiculous amounts of child maintenance. There has to be a fairer way of paying child maintenance than there is at present, a system which is consider a reasonable amount to pay, a system which considers all of the parties circumstances including other children step children included. It is also my considered opinion that women that won't allow decent fathers to have access to their children should be penalised for this by not having their cake and eating it!
Why pay for something you dont have the right to do anything for.
I cant consult on medical issues unless basically my ex is dying or in a state of mind where she cant make the decision. I cant even go and pick my kids up from school or have any say in the way there raised because she will not let me.
3 years now since i saw my 2 children and have payed for them.
Fairness is not a word that is used in the right context in this country.
Paying so called Child Support is funding the destruction of your own FAMILY and empowering the STATE to do just that to others – Onward – Together-4-FAMILY – http://www.rationshed.wordpress.com – Jim
Its a sad world indeed, yet for all the men who dearly would love to see their children, there are at least twice as many who can’t be bothered. Who are happy to take care of their children on “weekends” and “hoidays” when its all abouthaving fun, yet have no idea what it’s like to actually raise a child. It’s not about taking care of a pet every now and then! I’m sick of the promises and demands men make about their rights, but when daddy is ill, he can lie in bed all day and take a day off work…. when mummy is ill, children need do be taken to school, fed, washed etc etc etc….. My point is, the bitch and whine about how you shouldn’t have to pay CSA because of this that and the other is selfish… you’re chuldren need to eat, be fed, clothed, kept warm, etc. Not JUST taken to the park for a quick game of football on a weekend!
my son and our family have not been allowed to see his son since xmas.
he has only just started working but the day he started his ex applied to the csa without warning although he had been giving her money for nappies etc. they have demanded backpay which he cannot pay and although he asked for time to pay they basically said tough! he isnot refusing to pay just needs time.
she has refused him access since xmas and before then she was very awkward depending on her mood.she was the onewho left and now has her own place and another boyfriend appeared within weeks of the split.he will be seeking legal advise in the near future but after reading these comments i don’t hold out muchhope.don’t forget the grandparents inall this too.what rights do we have?
The british legal system needs taking to the european courts for being totally sexist against fathers where contact with children is concerned, less than 6% of residency battles go in a fathers favour, The CSA has draconian powers that i would say infringe a fathers right to a family life with there child/children. Also the legal system is so so loath to enforce a mother to allow contact <<<<why ? its easier to make the father pay….im sorry to say that this system makes me totallly ashamed to be british,once i was proud to be british but alas with all the obvious corruption in politics and sexist laws its no longer a democracy i feel proud to say i belong too..
The British legal system is not on the side of the male when it comes to child support. I have 2 children, 1 lives with me and the other with her mother however… the CSA was taking a 3rd of my wages for the child that lives with her mother and when I contacted them about this all they could tell me was that they would reduce the amount I would have to pay. My answer to this was to make a counter claim but apparently I don’t have a leg to stand on. All of this came about because the mother of my children recently became disabled and the government wants to claim money back one way or another from what I can tell. basically the agency should change its name to “help woman live for free agency”.
I dont think a father should have to make payments all this crap about lone parent poverty is not true, i my self was a single parent until i met my now husband. i never relied on m daughters father to pay his way cos for one he was on benefits so would of only got £20 a month and really what is the point of contacting csa for that i mean you have to be desprate!! anyway yeah i was a single parent working full time and recieving child benefit and both working tax and child tax so how any lone parent can class that as poverty they need there head testing! i feel sorry for these men who try them damn hardest to see there children and get no where but still have the money taken off them my husband is going through all this now and its disgusting how women can treat there ex partners them and this is coming from a woman
I agree entirely with the above,having been in the very same position.My ex new how to play the system,and,while I strugglked to pay maintenance for my daughter,who was constantly dressed in ill fitting rags while her mother was dressed to the nines,she had computers,new furniture,and plenty of parties.Im not against the mother being able to enjoy herself,but,when your child is always in need of new clothes,nappies etc and is being neglected,it made my blood boil.
I stopped paying maintenance when I was stopped seeing my daughter,because I said I wouldnt kit my daughter out for her new school year.Wrong of me refusing to by the uniforms etc? My answer was I paid maintenance.I didnt pay the csa for the 6 months it took me through the legal process.I have to say that was wrong!!
All that happened was that the csa continued paying her,and,built up a big arrears for me!!
You cannot beat a government agency!!!
Oh my goodness reading this all makes me feel sick with worry. I split with my ex around two years ago. For the first year I saw my son and step son every other weekend and one mid week night. We had an agreement where I paid her money and she signed a receipt.
Just after a year she met some guy online and he moved in within a month. Shortly after this she demanded more money and started refusing to sign a receipt. I offered to pay in exchange for a receipt and I also offered to create a standing order direct from my account and she refused both as she told me she thought she could get more from the CSA.
Then she stopped me seeing my step son which was now 10 months ago. I initially sought the advice of a solicitor but he just told me to forget it as the boy was not biologically mine and I had never adopted him. I explained that I thought it was mental abuse on his part as I was still allowed access with my biological son. I spent five years raising that boy and for those five years he called me Dad. She stopped my access overnight.
10 months on I have just received a “text message” (as she refuses to communicate with me verbally on any issue) stating that she is stopping my mid week visits due to the fact that it makes my son tired for nursery the next day. This is just a ridiculous excuse and I forsee that’s it’s a mid point step to cutting my contact altogether.
The past two years of my life have been hell. What stinks here is she was the person who cheated and lied to me but she got to walk away with the kids, the house and everything where I had to start again. The CSA take nothing about the man’s financial commitments into account and she left me thousands of pounds in debt. When I questioned this to the CSA I got one word … “Legislation”
I now find out that she can actually just determine to stop my contact altogether and there is nothing I can do? I have seen a solicitor a couple of times and had some hope that I could get a contact order which would determine when I could see my son but it seems even that isn’t worth the paper it’s written on!
I thought that with children born since 2007 Father’s were supposed to have Joint Parental Responsibility. What exactly does this mean because it does not seem to count for a anything and men have not even got the statutory right to see their Children here in the UK. Is this a 3rd world country?
Something seriously needs to be done about this. I feel sick now!
Its terrible that mothers can say No and nothing can be done, myself and my husband are just starting the process of a contact order after allegations were made against us both (complete lies) and contact stopped but have had a constant battle for contact over 5 yrs depending on what mood she is in. I agree that access and csa payments are different but why should we pay not to see my husbands son when its no fault of our own and we are desperate to see him, I think if mothers decide that dad can not see there child for what ever reason unless they are at risk then they should fourfit the csa payments. The csa are a nightmare she makes one phone call to tell them change in circumstances and they inforce it straight away yet we phone them about change in circumstances and we have to prove everthing. It is so wrong fathers should have the same rights as mothers i can not understand why the goverment dont do something. I am sure if the prime ministers wife tried to pull this stunt she wouldnt get very far. it makes me so cross