CSA Complaints

Thieving CSA tells me to use food bank!

Personally, me and the CSA have never seen eye to eye, mainly because if I did, I’d probably poke them out… Around 2 years ago I had the luck of landing a better paying job from the dead-end plastics manufacturing place I had spent 5 years testing the durability of my soul! Brilliant, I went from £28k to £34k then 6 months later to another place for £44k (rough figures). Unfortunately being a number on a server did not suit me and I dropped back to £34k closer to home in a firm who treat me well.

Anyway, back to CSA being bastards…. Whilst I was moving jobs and the wages rising, the wonderful, joy filled folks over at the CSA could not do enough to alter my case and give me higher and higher figures to send to my 2 timing, lazy, benefit devouring, layabout of an ex-partner. Which was fine, I was not happy with the situation as she was the one who left for a better paid individual but being the bigger man, I swallowed my pride and did it for my kids. So then I end up dropping over £10k in salary…cue the CSA, I call (this is before they went onto ‘good luck contacting us hours’) I inform them of my mahoosive drop in salary and can hear the bashing of a keypad before getting ‘computer says no’. The (deep breath) wonderful individual on the other end of the line informed me that I hadn’t passed the 25% threshold and that payments would stay the same and promptly put the phone down on me as I was working up to my Tazmanian Devil impression.

Now I am no Einstein but even a country bumpkin like me quickly worked out that there was in fact just over 25% difference in said wages and contacted them again. This time I got an Angel of a more mature lady who listened to my problem, confirmed my findings and altered my case accordingly. She was lovely! Fast forward 15month of non-stop pandemic spanning days at work with 8 days off all year and BOOM! The heaviest envelope of the year…The renewal!!! Thinking I’ve been on the same salary all year with little to no change, ill just continue with the usual payments…’Our survey says’…. big fat X! They have gone off the earnings of year ending April 2020 from HMRC and my payments have gone up over £100…Once again the phone leaves the safety of my pocket and within seconds, I hear a voice, dear lord, have they finally employed someone who can answer a phone, could CSA have become the next wonder of the world? NOPE! A recorded message saying they are opening times are Monday to some other day I am working between the hours of unlucky Dan you are not getting to us by phone o clock you stupid working cash cow! That is what I heard anyway…. So, the super-duper sharpshooter never working online portal it is…After 3 hours of turning my paperwork upside down I find my login details I have not used in over 12 months. I write a particularly polite message asking why their figures are so ridiculous and does not match their own calculator or my current wages…

All I receive 2 days later is ‘send by POST yes POST 2 payslips and a paragraph explaining what my issue is’ This is done in record time I send said documents off by carrier pigeon to some god forsaken office somewhere in the UK, 3 days later my payslips return, unharmed but there is no yey or ney on their decision? Day’s pass, days turn to weeks, weeks turn to a month, the day my first new ridiculously high payment goes out…I get the long awaited reply, I rush onto the portal, to see if my hard earned pennies will be sleeping in my bank tonight…. computer says no!! Because there is not a 25% difference in your current salary to the figure, we plucked from the sky for sh1ts and giggles you still must pay this extortionate figure, if you want to appeal go to directgov. You are the weakest link, goodbye!

The following Monday on my break at work I tried to phone them to try and put right this injustice, nearly an hour of recorded messages later (did you know you can save time by using our online portal….) I got through to a young woman who quite frankly sounded like she was ready to give up on life herself, had the usual name, D.O.B, kids D.O.B, inside leg measurement, Britney Spears bra size when she was 29, I’m sure you all know the drill. She told me to appeal, there was nothing she could do and that if I can’t afford to live and feed my kids with my current partner, there is always food banks…. F**KING FOOD BANKS!!!!

Well, the forms are filled out, envelope is stamped and sealed and my carrier pigeon is ready to take it to the courts… Wish me luck!

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